Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Underachiever with no motivation

We're dealing with this right now with DS9. He does just enough to get by (and his 'getting by' is usually pretty good with little to no effort) and I haven't figured out what truly motivates him. We're planning for homeschooling next year and are hoping that will refresh his desire to learn and that we might see some of the spark come back.

I don't know that it's a perfectionism issue, but DS isn't interested in improving on anything that he doesn't do well...he would rather gripe than work to improve his typing skills, say "I don't care" rather than practice TKD, etc. Is it simply that if he doesn't do something well, he just won't care to do it? I get that with some things, but how do I motivate him to try to improve on the necessary things?

I've seen suggestions on getting kids started in something that they're interested in, but not great at, so that they'll have to put some effort into it. However, I've yet to find something like that for my kid - not that he's great at everything, just that he's not interested enough in something he's not great at to try and develop it.

Could this be a maturity thing? Any BTDT/advice/suggestions?

Lots of empathy JDAx3, but few suggestions. With Miss 8, we were continuously exposing her to new things, new sports, new activities and not a school term would go by without us trying out something new. It wasn't until we went to New Zealand for a few weeks, got the kids out of their comfort zone and carefully observed them that their passions came to life. We watched Miss 8 draw constantly while she was away; it was more than just something to do, but something far more cathartic. Perhaps your son's passions really do exist - just under wraps?

We've struggled all year to increase Miss 8's care-factor with school work. The grade skip certainly helped a little, but I'm hoping that care will come with age too. Finding the right art teacher, music teacher, school teacher is critical, but it doesn't solve everything - just another part of the puzzle. Good luck solving yours... jojo

I think learning motivation is a process that takes time. My kids value their education and are very motivated. I do not use stickers or lots of praise to help motivation. Doing well is about feeling good and doing ones best. I encourage kids by helping them to notice how good it feel when they do a good job or work hard on something. The process and working hard is more important than winning or the A grade. It's better to help them learn to drive themselves then push them.

Interests can be contagious. For example, If I sit down to do a puzzle book and enjoy it, they are more likely to join in. This also puts them more in charge of their learning. I leave a book in the playroom about learning something, like paper airplanes. They can choose to get into it or not. There has been times when my son has said I'm not into that. I'd say that's ok. It's up to you want books you look at. Usually he takes an interest.

When my kids try to do the paper airplanes I let them learn by making mistakes that are ok. Then can always start again. I can help if they would like. I let them notice it feels good to do this project. There are so many possibilities. I follow their lead and make it comfortable to learn, fail, experiment, take risks, and enjoy the process. I Collect recyclable plastic containers and sit down the kids and make something without directions. I let them discover somethings don't work and try to fix it.

Here is something simple that is huge in a life lesson. Since my kids were toddlers, I let my kids pour milk. This takes more time because I was pouring gallon jugs into smaller manageable pictures but it's worth it. When they were young they spilled some. My reaction was important. I needed to let them know it was ok to make the mistake. Just fix it and clean it up. I'll help if they need it. They were working on a skill and learning to be careful and how to fix mistakes. As they develop this skill, like many others, they can enjoy a good "I did it feeling". Help them to notice their success and enjoy their moments. They can give themselves a pat on the back. Making it their own is better than my praise. Of course, I would smile and be happy for them. I think this also evokes a sence that I believe in them so they can believe in themselves.

My DS8 is similar. One method I have found to get him interested in something is to use the good ole Tom Sawyer trick. I will start doing *whatever* and get totally into it without saying anything. Sooner rather than later the kids want to know what Mom is up to and then they want to try but I say "Noooooooo, hmmmmmmmm not right now I am really getting into this." Then they REALLY want to try. "Mom, come on, you had a turn let us try!" And I say "Give me a minute. I'm not done." By this point I could be deboning chicken for gosh sake and they would want desperately to try it.

I have used this to interest them in certain books, educational software, puzzles, games, workbooks etc.

Note: To keep them interested is trickier and I will often check in with them to ask questions and show my continued interest or I will challenge them if it is a game etc.

I hope so.

His grade skip seemed to help a little, as well, but we're noticing that he's slowly starting to slack off again. This is one of the many reasons why we're planning to homeschool next year - to allow him to move at a pace that's good for him in the hopes that we'll see more of his interests/motivations.

We've had almost the exact same conversations, LOL.

Perhaps he just hasn't discovered what makes him go yet. Or maybe he has and I haven't seen it. I can't wait for next year! Thank you all.

Hi,

One of my brothers has only so-so motivation, actually he seems profoundly lazy not profoundly gifted. Still he got great grades all through school and college. He was not accelerated.

I think my parents wished he'd do more with his mind, go further in school, change the world even just a little bit, etc. One comment of his at the idea of a family trip was, "why would I want to go to Rome, I've been there". My mother nagged him a lot along the way and he still resents that. But I'm not sure he would have mailed in college applications etc, without her being on him about it. He had no sports or extracurricular activities, and no girlfriend until college. He never brought friends home from school (and no Asperger's etc, he's normally socially able). He just preferred reading or Star Trek to any other possibilities. College was probably good for him in that he had to take charge, and by then he was mature enough to.

He's a computer programmer now, his company gives him choice in projects, he has it so his hours start at noon (gets up about 11), telecommutes some, etc. As far as I can tell he makes way too much money, he has a house full of geeky toys and is happily married. He seems to spend a lot of time lying around petting his cats. He seems quite happy and probably has a lot lower blood pressure than some other family members.

I'm sure my mom is just as frustrated with him as she ever was. I don't know how successful one can be at motivation with someone who's intrinsically low on drive, as my brother was from very early on, he was even an easy baby. But either on their own, or maybe due to exhausting and relationship-ruining pestering, things sometimes turn out really well anyways.

Polly

Hey JDAx3,
why wait for next year? Perhaps a few subject accelerations can start now, or at least in January? I know that advocating isn't fun, but usually once you've gotten the gradeskip then getting more isn't much easier.

It isn't unusual for a single gradeskip to be 'not enough' - if they were, then the child probably wouldn't be allowed to take the skip - weird - huh?

But what gradeskips are great for are testing the waters and showing the school that yes, he can function with older kids and harder material, and look, he even perked up a bit! Now that he's looking like a plant that needs water, you can play around with a subject acceleration or two. Sometimes it just doesn't take much to get him looking perky again.

Sounds like 'enforced underachievement' to me - which makes motivation very difficult for anyone to maintain. If he can do 'great work' at school with very little effort, he's in the wrong class. Sorry.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Polly - your post made me smile. Not sure why, but it did. Everyone truly has to find their own way, I guess. Thanks!

That sounds about right. Unfortunately, due to some really strange goings-on in the school system here, I seriously doubt (although, to be fair, I haven't requested) that subject acceleration is an option. We're new to this district, so the history isn't there either. I truly believe that his teacher is doing what she can with what's available (time, resources, support) and I'm appreciative, but I just know that DS isn't really engaged even though he's doing OK, most of the time. It's a catch-22...if he could go at his own pace (for example) one would probably see a need for acceleration, but since he's not, he comes across as not needing anything beyond because he's doing just enough to get through it and it might net a 90 instead of 100.

UGH...it's just so darn frustrating.