Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Elementary School Grade Accleration has been so tough on DD & Mom...

Hi, Just wondering if anyone else has been in my shoes and looking for support I guess. I'm really reaching my breaking point this year.

HG

How is her attitude towards the work?

Can she take the whole weekend off?

Does she still play with her toys and do her other interests when she does not have to study?

How much time do the other kids spend on homework?

As for the norm, she made a huge jump - more like from 1st to 4th than just to 2d grade, and from a relaxed HS setup to a formal, accelerated program where she has to expend effort. Do you see she is making headway and you see her converging with the others in the class this year?

I know two kids in a similar program here in Dallas and they have lots of homework every night, but love it. The work and pace is unrelenting.

Hi R,
I'm sorry that it's been so hard - you are in the middle of 'reversing underachievement.' and it stinks, but the rewards are worth it. With a FSIQ of 144, there really isn't any doubt that your daughter will catch on. Sadly, I predict that by next year, you will be back to worrying how to get her enough challenge.

When my son skipped 5th grade, in a 'high output' school, I basically had to 'breath' for him. We were joined at the hip for about 6 months. But I'm so glad that I did it. I had to keep reminding myself that I didn't want him to have to go through this transition alone when he got to college (like I did.) Any, what I discovered is that I still was invested in the idea that 'if one is smart, and one is working really hard, then something is wrong' and 'A is the only grade to get' - I really had no idea that those ideas were still rattling around inside me, but they were. Better to get a C in 2nd grade, and be learning how to work hard at school, then get her first C in high school and be totally unable to accept it. So my friends had to teach me how to 'cheer' (outside of DS's hearing) when he got his first report card in 6th grade, for his first C!

I'm a great believer in the 'if the social fit is good, then the raw intelligence is really there.' She isn't verbally saying she is bad or stupid or hates school, is she?

Remember that due to our current collections of cultural ideas, giving a girl big challenges is seen as 'wrong' while giving a boy the same sized challenges is seen as normal and good. Lots of studies show that in schools, when a boy has a challenge, the teachers say: 'Work harder, suck it up' but the girls are told 'Don't worry, I'll show you how, I'll find you an easier class.' So it may help you feel less guilty if you 'pretend' she is a boy and then check how you feel about it.

It really is appalling, emotionally, to see the child really working hard for the first time. This doesn't mean that it is the wrong thing to do, just that we aren't used to it! But with the parenting I see coming at you - welcome this chance to get used to it!

If she really isn't ready for Middle School by the end of elementary, or High School by that time, or College by that time, you can do a 'Gap Year' and give her a chance to physically mature, if it should be needed. Since you know that homeschooling doesn't work at this stage of development, you can hope that when she is older, it would work better. Or switch to a different school and decelerate then, but not now, as elementary school really offers so very little to Profoundly Gifted kids.

((hugs))

Even great problems to have feel like #### while you are living through them. That's normal.

Grinity

It's so good to hear someone went through this.

CFK,

There is the softer side of me who agrees with you. I hate seeing my kids struggle. However, as the parent of a child with a similar IQ to Samson's daughter I would be tempted to keep her where she is. My son is now in fourth grade after skipping first grade. He is still miles ahead of his class and at this point has really only learned to be lazy and as Grinity said, think that any mental effort required means he is not smart. Many many ND children struggle with school but parents do not jump them down a grade to make it easier. They accept that their child needs to learn to work and achieve in the environment they are in. I would let it play out.
You say "She is only 6 and there is time for more later." I say that when later comes it is likely that she will be unwilling to do that "more". It sounds like she likes school, likes her friends and has the support of teachers and parents. Her needs seem to be getting met so I would help her work through this unless she appeared to be unduly stressed. A little stress is okay...it is a motivator and is part of life.

This is OT, but FWIW:

Very true. DW calls this "Putting her big girl panties on." She was done a disservice when she was younger and has had to learn some painful lessons since taking over a company in this very bad economy. It all on her shoulders. Learning to stay up until 5 am making hard decisions and getting it done all by yourself is the difference between those who do and those who don't.

This attitude is displayed by some of her male direct reports as well when working with her on something difficult. She is aware now of the social dynamic and heads it off before it starts. She has to have different leaderships styles with these individuals as its so ingrained with them. There is a different dynamic with the women.

I think this is at the root of some girls withdrawing in late JR high and High School (as she did) when they sense their hard work and commitment are not valued the same way and that they need "help" when they run into a tough spot.

DW has taken a lot of comfort in reading the bios of strong women. She just finished Carly Fiorina's this month. Its pretty good as Fiorina was placed in a lot of very difficult positions both from a social, gender, ethnic, and business and had to navigate all those issues to get things done.

DD's might enjoy finding role models in real life or in literature as a source of comfort as well.

Hi,
I have to say that I completely agree with Grinity. I think the most important thing is what the teacher said: "she is doing well and has seen tremendous improvement." As a parent, I know I tend to put my perfectionistic high standards into play, and when you are not in the classroom everyday it is hard to know just exactly where your child is in relation to the other children and also where your child is in relation to what the teacher is expecting. The teacher is there and seems aware of and supportive of your DD, and is aware of how she is doing in relation to all the other kids, so I think the teacher's opinion is very valuable in this situation.

Also, while I don't think that a child should endure long-term stress in school since liking to learn is so important, I think hard work, and yes maybe even a little short-term stress, is helpful. This is probably the biggest change your daughter is going through -- as are all gifted kids who finally get a challenge -- actually having to think hard and work hard at school. Not to mention just learning the ropes of going to school and all the routines that go with it. You have to expect an adjustment period. (And from what the HSers say, the adjustment to a new learning environment can take several months.) Maybe the difference you're seeing in your DD's grade acceleration versus the standard acceleration that you've read about is just the change from a more unschooling environment to a structured school environment. But, again, since your DD is gifted, she learns at a faster rate than most of the people in her class. So, while she may be having to work hard now to pick up some of the things she hasn't been exposed to yet, she WILL pick it up. And the fact that she is moving quickly has been verified by her teacher.

Sure it's hard to watch them be frustrated, but working through her frustration and ultimately being successful will really help her confidence. I remind myself of that when watching my possibly 2E DS work so hard while my other two gifted DC barely work at all. Hard work is an important, learned skill.

And besides, she's seems to be in an academic environment that a lot of us are asking for for our children. She's getting to learn new things without a ton of repetition according to her ability. Yea to that! And it seems like she's in a great social situation as well. Don't underestimate how great it is for her to have friends with whom she fits in so well.

On the other hand, I know how hard it can be to have to put in so much time helping with homework, and how the sheer amount of time it can take to do challenging homework can preclude relaxation and play time after school and on the weekends. My DS often has hours of homework a night and there are a lot of things that I have to be involved in at this point. And, boy, it is stressful and time consuming for both of us right now! I would really emphasize how important it is for you to somehow find just 15 minutes after school where your DD could run around outside in the fresh air or sit and relax and have a snack after school. On the weekends, we try really hard to let our DS have at least half the day, and often an entire day, to do nothing but relax and play, even if he has a lot of work that needs to be done. With us, we've seen how far a little relaxation can go. Also, just hug her extra and maybe tell her how great it that she's doing so well. She may not realize just how much progress she is making and just how well she is doing working to adjust to her new challenges.

Hang in there. I'd bet six months from now she'll be all caught up she'll be settled in at school and you'll be really happy with the move.

Once she gets the exposure to the math ideas, and does the work, she'll catch up and likely do very, very well. Higher level math relies more on verbal reasoning than calculation - so she'll get even stronger when she gets exposed to proofs and word problems.

I was never pushed to stretch myself, confront challenges, or overcome failures in elementary school and have been paying for it ever since (my mom actually declined elementary grade skips for me because, as she put it, "You wouldn't have been at the head of the class anymore"). By middle school, I was already a nervous wreck who was more concerned about maintaining straight As and setting the curve on every test than I was about learning anything. So, based on my own experience, I say you're being a great parent! If anything, I might recommend easing off of the tutoring and worrying less about getting your daughter caught up with the other kids. Sometimes it's better to be behind! As long as your daughter is learning, making progress and reaping rewards for her efforts, I wouldn't worry so much about where she is relative to the other kids, especially if she's happy socially and in a school that gets her and is working with you.

I'm going to agree with CFK. It sounds like your DD was not yet ready for the grade skip. I'm actually surprised that the school would suggest it without achievement test data to back it up. Yes, she may well need a grade skip in the future. Yes, it is important to learn how to struggle a bit, but since we are talking about a fulltime GT program, 1st grade is not likely to be a complete waste of time. One of the difficulties for GT kids is that they may be ready for more complicated work, but not the workload that goes with those grades. Asking a 6 year-old to do the work for a 2nd grade gifted class (that sounds like it's doing 3-4th grade work) is probably asking too much.

Beware of damaging your DD's love of learning, love of school, and her confidence. It might be different if you were at a regular public school or a school where you know that it would be hard to advocate for a grade skip later. Clearly that is not the case here. If the school initiated the skip in the first place, I'm sure that they will be willing to do it down the road when your DD is ready.

Just my $0.02.

Hope everything works out.