Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy mommy guilt. may I please confess?

I've read most of Dr. Ruf's book - I read the new edition. Wow. I really need to get some stuff off my chest.

I've always known my DD10 is bright. But now I think she's somewhere between level 3 and level 4. I've decided this from looking at pictures and videos and remembering things I'd forgotten. I thought any kid could do these things if that's what they were interested in! I actually kind of thought other people's kids were a little slow. Total denial and ignorance of the rest of the world...

I feel so guilty about time I've wasted. I naturally interacted with her during her preschool years and she learned like a little sponge. But I didn't do anything special or different during her school years and now she's in 5th grade - everything comes so easily to her that any kind of a challenge she views as unpleasant.

I've got her on EPGY, which is going well for her emotionally because she's still doing work that comes very easy.

I'm also teaching her Latin - at her request - and she's doing very well. Even compared to my high school Latin students she's doing GREAT! But on the first exam, she made an 87 raw percentage. I usually have to creatively weigh questions and curve my exams in high school - she beat the average on my high school kids by leaps and bounds!

We are in total break-down mode because she "worked hard" on something (read: she actually paid mental attention to something new and did 2-3 repetitions per skill) and didn't get 100% of the questions right. "Mom! I could have gotten a 100! Those were careless errors!"

I'm re-examining my own school career and re-living my first semester at university where I realized that I had to WORK to make an A. "Work" didn't really mesh well with my self-concept because I'd only ever worked on things that were really important to me and freshman chemistry didn't really light my fire...

Where should I go with her abilities? Dr. Ruf suggests a level three student be accelerated in early elementary. We've missed that boat. Is she ruined after five years of school without having to try? Is she going to be a self-sabotaging, all-or-nothing perfectionist like I was at 18?

For financial and personal reasons, non-traditional education would be exceptionally difficult. Dr. Ruf suggests skipping middle school altogether to live abroad - not really an option for us!

I feel guilty for suddenly thinking I need to push her to do work above her grade level. I don't want her to think being gifted means she has no time for fun.

In short, I'm wigging out. Thank you for listening.

I'm relatively new to gifted awareness myself, so I'm probably not much help. Just wanted u to know I can totally relate! My ds is 6, and if we weren't seeing inattention in the classroom along with major perfectionist meltsowns at home, we probably wouldn't have investigated further. In fact, truth be told, if I wasn't trying so hard to rule out ADHD I would never have discovered ds's behaviors were classic behaviors for an underachieving, underchallenged gifted child. You will get some good advice here.

ZarfKitty,

First of all you can't beat yourself up for what you didn't know. All you can do is move forward from here. For what it is worth my son was grade skipped in early elementary (skipped first grade) and is still having all those issues you mentioned now in fourth grade and we can not afford to live abroad or homeschool and have no access to private school. The good news is that the people on here are a great resource for navigating the educational system as well as being great support for us as parents.
Also if your daughter is requesting Latin and is willing to work and try at something new and not as "easy" as things usually are that is a great sign!

It sounds like you are doing some good things to challenging her. Just keep doing what you can without too much pressure on either one of you. Kids pick up on their parents feelings and stresses so try to relax and enjoy this time with her. Even if everything is not perfect or just what she needs she can be ok. Learning about gifted has really scared me sometimes too. Hang in there. Your understanding and support goes along way. Keep listening to her. Hugs.

I'd share this with your daughter and that you'd like to work with her so she can find ways to avoid a similar problem.

I still find myself struggling with your statement above, and I'm well over 18 y/o.

I'm taking Inky's advice for myself as well.

Best wishes! It sounds like you're on the right path.

You and your daughter might want to check out Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck. She sees everyone as having either a "fixed" or "growth" mindset. People with a "fixed" mindset "spend their time documenting their intelligence or talent instead of developing them. They also believe that talent alone creates success�without effort." The growth mindset people "believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work�brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment."

I think this and any other dichotomy oversimplifies things, but I'm reading the book now, and it has a lot of good food for thought for self-sabotaging all-or-nothing perfectionists like myself.

Thanks for posting this Ms. Friz. I marked the section in Renzulli's Light Up Your Child's Mind that discussed Dweck's research and the "expandable" or "growth" view really struck a chord. I didn't know she'd written a book about it and I'm looking forward to reading it.

Yes, thank you MsFriz! We'll definitely look into it!

First, you are experiencing what a lot of us has gone through especially after reading Dr. Ruf's book. I call it the hyperventilating in a paper bag move. Then comes the guilt of why didn't I see this? Mind you when I read her book my DD had just turned 2 so yes I am miles ahead in some regards. My best friend has a daughter who is HG+ and is 15 yrs old. Talking to her about DD always comes back to how she didn't have the literature that I have now and what a gift that has been put in my lap. So true. BUT ... it really depends on what you do with the gift. My reactions have been all over the place. I started to hold DD back because I couldn't get over just how advanced she really was and how miserable she would be in school because of it. I realize now that I was completely wrong with my attitude. We started her in a social preschool and I came to realize very quickly it was a bad decision because DD wasn't herself, more like a shell of herself. So we scrambled and put her in an academic Spanish Immersion school. We just started so I don't know if it is the solution but she is coming back to us and being herself. My eyes are now open and the ideal of placing my child in public school has vanished. I suspect we will look for other avenues in the private sector. Something I had to come to terms with.

Long winded about myself ... when what I was trying to say is we understand your guilt because we all have it in some form or fashion and don't beat yourself up over it. And remember Dr. Ruf's recommendations are for the general not specific. It sounds like you are doing a lot for your DD. She is very lucky to learn Latin. What a great opportunity for her. And maybe you find more opportunities that she will find challenging to sublimate her education.