Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Parenting an intense child through deep questions.

My child is very intense, sensitive, internal.... always thinking, processing. She can become anxious. She tends to need a good stream of protein to keep her in check. She is very asynchronous, where she may think deep questions, but not be able to handle the answer. When she is tired, the philosophical questions can get to an extreme. (She is 7).

The question of "Who am I?" started about 6 months back. One day, she stated that multiple times, and one could just see the gears in her head turning.

The question comes up when she is tired. "I just don't know who I am?" "Why am I here?" "What is my purpose".
We hit the, "I feel like a piece of trash." WHen trying to get her to expand, all I got was that since the character in Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs was trash, I feel that way too. When I tried to pull in religious philosophy to explain that she wasn't trash, about 20 minutes later she came back with, if there are millions of people in the world, then why was I made... what makes me special.

Last night, she was freaked out at bedtime, stating that she felt if she swallowed, that her soul was going to leave her body. I then got bombarded with a multitude of life/death questions from being concerned she won't be able to find me when she dies to her wanting to be reincarnated (in her words, when she dies, she wants it to be that it is like moving, and that she just starts life over again).

This morphed into
I don't want our planet to be consumed by a black hole. How close does one need to be to one before one is pulled in. Is there such thing as a forest of black holes, where there a number of them into one spot? Can a black hole dissappear? If it consumed too much can it reach a point where it can't consume anymore and then explode/break?


Has anyone been here?? Is there any advice you have to help me parent her through this? I'm trying my best to answer questions and give her some foundation to stand upon. I've been rereading everything I can from emotional OE's/postitive disintegration to existential depression. While she doesn't come across as depressed, she is obviously grappling with some big questions.

It doesn't help me that her teacher informed me during conference that she feels my child is very socially-emotionally immature. *GROWL* It's obviously a weak point of hers, but not that atypical of a gifted child, especially such an emotionally intense gifted child.

Thanks,
Tammy

What a wonderful kid!!

She's focused (enthusiastically) on other things - that makes her immature?

Since her teacher knows little about Cosmology, does that make the teacher Scientifically Naive?

I just read this short post by Cobb. She sounds a lot like him.

http://cobb.typepad.com/cobb/2009/11/faith-vs-articles-of-faith.html

I like his this comment by him.

"I always recall that there are social implications to Goedel's Incompleteness Theorem and that the mind rationalizes so that it doesn't halt."

To clarify, the teacher isn't aware of these questions. She just sees the overemotionality, and labels it as emotional immaturity as opposed to emotional intensity.

Tammy

Sounds good - unless you actually know what Goedel's incompleteness thm says. What is it about Goedel that makes people want to misappropriate him? >:-(

Cobb's point was this:

Its trivial to convert many systems of faith into propositional calculus and then reduce them to absurdity using Godel's ideas. (For some, this is a terrifying exercise. ) Only a Cynic would think there is value in that or that that is the only value to Godel. Many other people will take comfort in finding that there are questions that cannot be answered by anyone.

If that's what Cobb says, he is using words he doesn't understand, I'm afraid: it's nonsense. [ETA I mean, e.g., because Goedel's incompleteness thm doesn't apply in any non-trivial way to propositional calculus, because the latter is not powerful enough.] For some reason, many people like to use logical terms they don't understand (such as "propositional calculus" and "Goedel's Incompleteness Theorem") to make their arguments sound better. After one too many examples, I now use the presence of that technique as a sign that I can save the effort I'd otherwise have spent on reading the rest of what the author writes!

My DS6 does this. We have implemented a system in which we write down his big questions so that mom has time to research the question and give it the time it deserves. This has helped alot.

That's a really good idea, I should do that. My DS6 often comes up with these questions (factual ones I can't answer, I mean) on the bus, and I say "I don't know, but we can look it up when we get home" and then neither of us remembers. It's almost enough to make me try mobile broadband... The "meaning of life" type questions haven't so far been a problem, as he hasn't been upset about them, just interested in talking about them, so we just do. I did get to answer "so how do people catch HIV mummy?" in a restaurant toilet a few months ago, which was interesting!

I like this too, especially since DDs hit me with the deep questions when I'm trying to get them ready for school or making dinner.
After I share some of my answers, I explain that these are very difficult questions that people have been wrestling with for many, many years. I give them suggestions for other people who would be interested in these kinds of discussions (like our rector).

Sounds like my DD to a T. Bedtime is ALWAYS when it comes out. She has gotten better over the years with learning to cope and hanlde her emotions. We had to do a lot of deep breathing techniques and talk through our anxiety when it would erupt from these things. Morning would tend to calm the flames. I always knew if things were bothering her because they always come out at night.

Here's a deep one:

DS 7 asked us if there was a Santa Clause. I thought I'd be smart and ask him what HE thought.

He replied: I know there has to be a Santa because my mom and dad would never lie to me.


eeerrrrrrr! Now we've done it!

Lol, that's exactly why we've never "done" these stories. However, I have to wonder, was there a wicked gleam in his eye?

First off, I should tell you I'm not a parent, but a teacher, gifted individual and son of a gifted father. That said...while I was more thoughtful than emotional about them, I asked questions like this, and my dad's strategy was always to engage with me and wonder about the question himself, rather than trying to answer it. Maybe we would try to answer it together, maybe we would discuss possibilities, maybe we would come to the conclusion that it couldn't be answered - but just talking about it from the same perspective was a bonding experience. Gifted kids do look to their parents for security, but they grow out of expecting their parents to have all the answers pretty young.

Speaking as a teacher, by the way, I love kids who give me questions that don't have answers. It takes a special kind of person (at any age) to wonder about things like this.

I agree with you. I myself was never "gifted" during my school years but have come to find out through my son who is very gifted that I am "gifted" in my own way. He is very factual/tech. I am very emotional/artistic. My way of seeing things is interesting to him and the debate that comes out of that difference is what has made us so close. He teaches me what I never understood before in Alegbra and Science. I teach him how what he does relates to people and how to look outside of the box. He stopped asking me for the answers to the universe when he was about 4 so I definately understand your experiences with your father. Thanks for sharing!

I just joined a few minutes ago because of this post and thread! My son, now 8, has been asking me "I don't know why I am me" and "I don't why I am here ... what's my purpose?" for a couple of years (maybe since 6). I am so thankful to find others that are experiencing such intensity in a small child. Unlike your little girl, (I think) he has made many statements about wanting to die. We finally made the decision to take him to a psychologist who officially declared him gifted, but at risk for major depression. He is now in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for positive self-talk practice. As for the philosophical questions, I started asking him to repeat his thoughts so that I could write them down because "there is probably no one else out there thinking these very unique ideas" and when we discover the answers - he could possibly share them with the world. He seems take comfort in that approach. Of course, I still don't have the answers. And I probably never will. But... maybe our kids will someday??!!Thanks so much for posting this - I really did think we were the only ones out here with these "different" thoughts!

Oops - meant to post this on another thread - sorry! I'm a newbie!

Nope, I got it right the first time - didn't see page one !! (Obviously, I'm not too gifted, right? LOL!)

I'm glad to hear the post was helpful for you.
We haven't had the wanting to die statements, but she has been asking death questions since she turned 3. I actually do believe she is at risk for depression as she ages. I'm glad to hear that self-talk is helpful.

Tammy

I really don't feel expertised to comment but...

We just can't explain everthing in life. That's ok. Take comfort in your parents are here to help. Everything will not be perfect but we can still make the most of each day and enjoy life.

I revived this thread. Hoping for more input ... for more hope. It is so very difficult to answer these questions when I didn't find answers myself. The emptiness of the answers and the struggle with the vastness.

My DC of ~5 wanted to know if the days will end. I asked for clarification to make sure child was actually asking that. Then told child, yes, there is always a new day. It breaks my heart knowing there will be more deeper serious questions coming.

I don't want to speak out of turn, but it seems really sad that you feel that way. Would you maybe be interested in doing some philosophical reading and thinking yourself, to work out your own position? IMHO this universe is a wonderful place and doesn't require "purpose" or whatever to make it so :-)

In our house, that question would have been (was!) answered by a discussion of cosmology and what will eventually happen to our Sun, being very careful to make sure it was clear that we're talking about long long in the future!