Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Perfectionism

Does anyone have any ideas for dealing with perfectionism? My ds6 and I are really struggling (during homeschooling and just everyday parenting) with finding a good compromise between the activities/tasks being too easy ("boring") and too difficult. "I can't" seems to be the favorite phrase around here. "I can't" turns into "this is the stupidest thing I've ever done." That turns into, "I can't do anything right. I'm stupid!" I want to help him learn to cope, but he's never learned to work at anything. Even when we require him to continue with an activity or sport that he wants to give up on, he just ends up shutting down or even worse, melting down. This behavior is not only socially unacceptable, it doesn't lend itself to learning anything new. Not to mention, it makes for some REALLY long days.

Now, he picks things up through "osmosis" all the time, but anything that takes some effort or work sets him off. We have to deal with 5 meltdowns (which includes, crying, screaming, hitting himself in the head, slamming the bedroom door, kicking the door, maybe throwing a toy, yelling that I'm the "worst Mom in the world" or "I can't do anything.")before completing a lesson. After about 10 minutes he calms down and will often try again, only to be followed again by another meltdown, which may or may not be as extreme at the first.

He just doesn't seem to want to try at anything. Even when he's working on his own, he wants me right next to him the whole time. We are working on indpedence, and he's coming along. Way better than even 3 months ago.

Now there are days that he's "on" all day, and he does well. He enjoys the tasks, demonstrates good patience, and a is a sweet, kind little boy. But, the perfectionist tendencies and behaviors creep back in and are there more often than not.

I am really trying to find some good ways to let him know it's ok to make a mistake and that it takes work to master new skills. I applaud and praise hard work and tenacity rather than focusing on the end result. We joke about irradicating "I can't" from our vocabularies in our house. He laughs, but it's always his go-to word. Either that or "it's boring." We're going to have to wipe that one our of our dictionaries too!

Sorry to go on and on as usual! I appreciate any advice, tricks, tips you can offer. My ds is very visual so charts and rewards work really well with him. Can't figure out how to incorporate this into anything like that, though.

Thanks!
Jen

My DD's K teacher would do little mistakes on purpose and sometimes by accident and make an example of herself. She would say that's ok and forgive herself. I asked her to support this ideas in her class if she could fit that into her busy day. She is a wonderful teacher. I try to do this at home too.

Also helpful to us have been to let the spilled milk be no big deal. Letting a child clean up or at least helps let's them fix a mistake. This can help a harsh conscience.

My best learning life lesson times are away from the moment. At bedtime I say I noticed this today...see what she says, don't judge and just listen. See if she comes up with a solution or just expresses her feelings. Try not to offer advise unless she asks sometimes.

Hope this helps somehow. We still have some trouble with this but it's getting better. I think I will have to work with this on my kids for a long time. My husband has a hard time with his mistakes.

Don't worry about being long note. Everything can be complex. My post are long. I really have to work at my writing to communciate the right ideas.

Best of Luck! Keep up the Good work.

Jen - this is exactly why you are homeschooling - you are offering challenging material to reverse your son's underachievement. When a child spends hours and hours in an educational setting that doesn't met their learning needs the 'readiness level span' shrinks to almost zero. It is really really challenging to find materials that are challenging enough, and yet not overwhelming. This is a process and takes months, if not years. We went through this, and you are very brave to be facing it now.

My Mantra was: Better now than when he is away at college. I would repeat this silently over and over and over.

You will win this battle. It will be slow. I wouldn't worry so much about the 'I can't's and the 'this is boring's - those are the symptoms, not the disease.Great that you are laughing about it.

You might want to explain to him what has happened, just like I did above, with a graph showing a baby learning to walk, kids in a 'good fit' situation, and him. You can call everything below the lower line 'boring' and everything above the upper line 'frustrating.'

You can teach skills to handle frustration.

It's great that you are teaching independence. Keep going, but remember that until he has reversed some underachievement, and you have really found his readiness level, you will need to sit with him for a good long while. (Do you knit?)

As for charts - I would make a chart full of character words 'independent' 'kind' 'respects boundrys' 'appreiciative' and 'risk taker' and put a smiley face on one word that you see even the smallest achievement in. Then I would tell him what you saw and why you moved the smile face to that word.

He could make a chart of your good qualities that he sees in you and return the compliment.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

I haven't read through the other responses yet, but I just wanted to share a quick thought:

What if you both start the school day with a fake tantrum - a litany of "Boring, boring, boring! I can't, I can't, I can't!" Make it funny, get him laughing, tell him you want to get all of that out first thing so you both can get down to the business of learning. Then, when he starts up, tell him, "sorry, we already covered that for today. You'll have to wait until tomorrow morning to do any more of that."

I haven't a clue if that would work, of course, but there's a chance he will come to see it as an obstacle he puts in his own path.

OK, back to the top now to read what the smart people had to say.

just another thought. Can you get out with him and do something less schoolish? Maybe you can get him to really relax and learn to enjoy learning again. My son loves to go to the zoo or park. You could even take a class at the library. How about going Bowling for Gym Class? The exercise will help him feel better. You could tie a fun event to learning. Does he like batting cages? then see http://www.exploratorium.edu/baseball/howfar.html for the science of baseball. If he can get relaxed and you love him up, he may be more ready to learn.

My DD did an unoffical Preschool homeschooling at one time. We made a special book that she would write down 3 things she wanted to do. I required one to be exercise. A dance party together would count. We kept it loose. The book is a fun record of this special time. She included drawings and stickers. It let her be incharge of her learning. You could adapt this idea geared towards an older child. They could use it as a journal and write a story or thoughts.

Are there subjects or times of the day when you find he works well and without too much frustration, or is it pretty much all subjects/times, a general may-not-be-able-to-do attitude about learning new stuff?

Polly

Thanks everyone. All GREAT ideas! Polly, I am honestly not sure. I think I'll start keeping a journal/record of when I see the behaviors. With that in mind, Dh and I were just talking about the need to constantly monitor his food intake. He will not ask for a snack when he's hungry, so I have to work it into our schedule, so that he's eating on a regular schedule. These behaviors (inability to cope) are ten fold when he's hungry. Sometimes it starts out of nowhere, and our first question is, "Are you hungry?" Ds always says, "no." But, as soon as he eats, he's a new man. My point is, maybe I can find a pattern. I do find that taking walks and getting out of the house for some activity calm him and get him ready to learn. I find it tough to teach in little spurts, so I'm working on that. ; )

Do you think tantrums related to perfectionism should be treated like tantrums seen when a child doesn't get his/her way? In other words, do you give consequences to those meltdowns (punishment) or do you help the child through it? Ds often has major meltdowns when something doesn't work the way he thinks it should or if a task is too challenging. We ask ds to go to his room because while we understand that he is frustrated, we are not willing to listen to screaming. He knows that we're fine to talk about what's going on civily when he's finished with his meltdown alone in his room. He usually comes out and says, "can't we just talk this out?" It still doesn't seem to stop the metltdowns, however. I'm at the point where I'd like to just give a punishment and try to irradicate this behavior, but then on the other hand, I think he needs some sort of outlet for his frustration. Maybe he'll just grow out of it? Thanks.

I think that if he is willing to go to his room and handle it on his own, then you are doing really well.
I don't recommend giving a 'punishment' because (in my house at least) that tends to lead to a spiral of more upset, more out of control, more punishment.

If you think that they are an outlet for frustration, you can make him a list of ways to (quietly) release frustration and ask him to do one of the things on the list. I would especially encourage practicing the things when he isn't having a melt down, so that when he is, they are already second nature.

I would also consider rewarding him becoming stronger and stronger at managing small frustrations well. Verbally praising even small examples of his power will wake him up to his own strength. I think getting him on an snack schedule, and getting him in charge of that is another way you can build up his self-control.

I think that a lot depends on how much the outbursts are bothering you. You are his role model of how a person deals with frustration. Do the outburst bother you because you are worried about 'what they mean about my son and my parenting?' or because they are loud and you don't like loud noises? I'm really really sure that the worrying you do about 'what shall become of us' is a bad use of your energy. Next time he does it,if it persists beyond the snack, try saying to yourself: 'Grinity promises me that this is just the normal side effects healing from underachievement, and when he has done 100 hours of this he will be done and healthy and a good boy and stronger than ever in his character.' If you can believe that- for even a few seconds - check how you feel about the outburst. That should help you see what percentage of your unhappiness is 'worry about the future' and what percentage is 'I just don't like loud noises.'

I'm not really promising that this is 'just a phase' but I do think that that is a reasonable approach for the next 3 months. It's really too early to start making major course corrections. Fiddle with food and exercise and mom-nurturing, and observe!

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Our DD 4 has infrequent meltdowns during our homeschooling time, but nonetheless, they are total meltdowns that just shock us, since it is out of her character.

We thought things through and recognized that it seems to build over the months and then just explode. During these meltdowns, we attempt to talk to/reason with her, however it is as if she doesn't want to be the intelligent gifted girl at that moment, and she just wants to/needs to have a totally unreasonable fit. Almost as if saying, "I know I shouldn't be reacting this way, and it frustrates me that my emotions are controlling my logic...but let me do it".

We find that just sitting quietly in the room with her (at her level, if she is on the floor - I sit on the floor, if she is on her bed - I sit at the foot of her bed) without talking to her or even touching her...just being there for her. She seems to get it all out and then still grunting/or sobbing/or even still grumbling she will start to nudge or bump up against me getting closer (I still say nothing, but open my posture up, allowing her to settle into my arms or lap if she chooses). This then turns into me holding her (still silent) as her breath returns to normal. I then ask if she is okay, and we get up and go back to whatever we were doing.

We do not speak about the incident, since she knows I was there witnessing it, and still stayed and allowed her to be her. (Trust me, there are many moments in my life when I react irrationally, and can get defensive when called on it...mostly out of embarrassment...nobody wants to talk about their embarrassing moments)

We only figured this out after one day when we were working on a LA assignment writing a poem about feelings, and she chose to write this:

My Mood
When I am mad
& I don�t know why
I shout �I don�t want to be glad�
Just let me cry!

I think that is when we started to just sit with her and let her deal with it the way she needed to.

I always try to reason with her at a level beyond her years, since that is how she herself likes to be dealt with, however, I do see the glimpses of a 4 year old every now and then just wanting to be 4. And I need to let her be her. :-)