Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional What is going on?!!! Need help, please!!

Ok, did I say that my sweet boy is back because it seems he's now posessed by the devil!

I am at my wits end!!! I thought things were going so well with homeschooling, and now my ds6 has turned into a little moster! I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I don't even want to be around him! Everything that comes out of his mouth is negative. We're back to constant meltdowns over EVERYTHING. Last night he dropped a big block on his foot,and I know it hurt, but I couldn't even respond to his meltdown. I'm immune to them now! It's like the little boy who cried wolf. You just stop reacting.

He will not cooperate with anything I try to teach him now. I hear, "I can't do it" or "This is too boring." I try a traditional approach, and he's bored. I try a nontraditional approach, and he's bored or says he doesn't get it and melts down. The thing is, I know he is capable of what we are doing. I feel like he's pushing my buttons because I'm Mom. I have no patience for this. I feel so much pressure to make homeschooling work that when we have day after day of accomplishing nothing, I feel like I'm failing. It was going so well; what has happened?!!!

Then, to top it off, I am convinced he has ADHD which just adds to the stress. He went to his martial arts class yesterday, and he didn't pay attention at all. The instructor is constantly having to redirect him. It's only his second lesson, but my point is I'm seeing the inattention in every setting. I really don't want to medicate him, but I'm not sure what to do.

I'm trying to work on scheduling and following a strict schedule b/c I hear that that's what works best with children with ADHD. Because I'm always redirecting and dealing with meltdowns we can't seem to keep to our schedule.

He's just so negative all of a sudden. I know something is going on with him, but I'm at a loss and just exhausted with it at this point. I'm sorry; I'm just overwhelmed and need to vent in a safe place I don't want to lose it with my family because I don't want to hear "I told you so" about homeschooling.

Thanks for "listening".

Jen, I'm so sorry. I suspect fellow HSers will have words of wisdom for you soon. As the parent of an inattentive boy who is quick to utter "I can't" to the most basic of things I feel for you. Redirecting is tiring. Wishing you the best!

Hi Jen,
I'm sorry you are feeling so oppressed. Just when things were going so well. Before you jump to the ADHD conclusion (and that may be exactly what is going on) lets just go back to the basics.

1) have you asked your son what is going on?

2) How long have you been homeschooling? Perhaps the 'honeymoon' is over and he needs a little break to de-school for a awhile?

3) How long has the bad behavior been going on?

4) What does he do in his spare time?

5) Nutritional struggles?

6) Friendship changes?

7) Getting ready to grow 3 inches?

8) Getting ready to come down with the flu?

9) Sleep issues?

10) What is your stress level like? It seems like when you started HSing, you were 'at your wit's end' and a bit more stressed than usual. Was your son feeding off your emotions then and is showing the effect now that you've calmed down?

11)Scary TV or movies lately?

12) When can you first remember noticing that DS was 'impossible' - what was going on at the time

I've never (exclusively) homeschooled, so take me with a grain of salt, but all of us go through ups and downs with our selves and our families.
Here's my advice -

A) Try to schedule some time away from your son - no, don't lock him in a closet, but do try to arrange some respite.
B) Plan some nurturing activities, hopefully outside and physically active for the two of you together.
C) Journal (here or in private) and Talk (to a friend or religious leader or professional) about what is bothering you.
D) Go into 'observation mode.' Throw all your expectations out the window, be grateful for your health and his, and see what happens if you just observe. Cancel classes for the week and call it vacation. See if you can get your son to 'want' school. Meanwhile bake cookies, clean the house, go to the library, visit friends. Afterall, he's probably already learned more in the past few weeks of homeschooling that he would have learned in an entire year of school, so you don't have to be worried or stressed anymore. What would you do with DS if you had a whole year just to 'have health fun?'

This asynchronous development is no fun at all. I wouldn't be suprised if there aren't a few periods where he has to 'catch up with himself' a bit before forging ahead. But I do trust that a child will always - if allowed - rediscover from within the excitement of learning.

As your son's learning coordinator, I think it's a bit like body surfing. You learn how to time the waves and launch yourself at the just right time, and let the natural currents carry you from there. Your abiltiy to see which waves will be strong and which ones aren't will get better with experience. Your will be able to work with what nature hands you will improve.

As for dealing with the meltdowns, do you already have a favorite parenting book? If not, you can borrow my current fav:

Have you asked your son what is going on? Does he want to go to school? Is he not sleeping enough? Is something else stressing him out?

I'm so sorry! I hope that you can figure out what's going on with him!

Have you taken him to a neurologist? I only ask because we have the same stuff going on with our ds6. He has intense meltdowns and NOBODY understands. He was suspended for hitting...if anyone makes him feel stupid, unfortunately his reaction has become physical. His entire day can be ruined. He is also literally running away at school, and we are considering homeschooling. We took him to a neurologist to rule out ADD/ADHD. It is a medical condition that cannot be 100% identified appropriately with questionnaires and screenings...especially when gifted kids a lot of times have the same characteristics. Asynchronous development ROCKS!

You are not failing! You are trying something new and it will take time for you and your son to figure it out and adjust.

take a deep breath. re-read the responses you have gotten so far. try to ignore what your relatives might say. take another deep breath. **hugs**

Remember he is a child first and needs to play. I think very gifted children need more play than other children.

How long does school take? A six year old can probably do all their lessons in two hours. But if you are using an online program or a package that would not be the case.

From experience these children seem to be more sensitive to diet and sleep.

Does he have a place to run around for a couple of hours a day? Some boys need to run around and explore for a couple of hours before they can do school work.

I've known people that took their high energy boys on field trips a couple of times per week. Is his behavior okay in public that you could do this?

I was told routine is more important than schedule with ADHD and anxiety. So if you have a routine that you can follow on certain days and a calendar of events for him to look forward to that would be great.

Perfectionism?
Read Mindset and write down all the suggestions on how to speak to him. I typed up my list and made several copies and keep it beside me so I can read the appropriate affirmation. (I have not got them all memorized yet, and it is too easy to say an old one by mistake.) It is corny, but it works.

If you have not already a full eval with a gifted specialist. If you go the psychologist route and he or she sees something that they can't deal with then you will have to see a pediatric neuropsychiatrist. With the later there is often a waiting list so one could do the first and then cancel the other if it is not needed.

I'm sorry. It is really difficult with little support out there. I've found some of the most helpful parents have children with Aspergers __even when your child does not have that diagnosis. They understand difficult behavior and some are very savy on behavior interventions, diet, and nutritional supplements that may work with these children.

And definitely you need a break once a week, a day all to yourself. I hope you have that kind of support from a partner, family, or friends.

Thanks guys! I am having a really hard time with just playing. I feel like if ds is not in regular school he should be learning at home. Not incidental learning; meaurable progressive learning. If ds ends up going back to school I want to know for sure that he is prepared.

I did ask ds what's going on and he says he is tired every day even on nights when he seems to get enough sleep. The behaviors I'm seeing (about a week) are consistent with how he acts when tired. Maybe there's something to that. We have a good bedtime routine and he falls asleep quickly. He does wake up in the night a lot and he says he has a hard time falling back asleep. Are there any supplements that might help? Maybe he's not getting enough physical activity now that we are homeschooling? He's never been a great sleeper but this is unusual even for him.

I hope I didn't sound horrible in my original post. I love ds so much and I'm just so worried about him. It's hard to make and keep friends with this behavior, not to mention how difficult it is to learn. He is a very bright boy so I'm sure he will be fine in the long run. In the short run, how do we make this work?

I will try to relax. I'm sure that will help. Maybe the pressure I feel is rubbing off on him. We will me leaving town on Thursday so I just tlod ds we are having a fall beak. I need a chance to regroup and plan for some alternative activities for the days when we need to shift gears. I'm also probably underestimating how much he's learning now vs. when he as in school.

Thank you for your input, support, and advice. Du says I should just chalk it up to a bad week and focus on the parenting book we both like. It's called Parenting with Love and Logic.

Hi, I am a fairly new homeschooler (we started last year after spring break). It took a while for us to eliminate the tempermental meltdowns. The doctor said my DS had post traumatic stress disorder. She said it was normal for children to have an emotional breakdown when they are removed from a stressful situation.

That definately made sense in our situation. While we were "recovering" from public school, I tried to be patient and I used a lot of alternative teaching methods, such as videos, songs in the car, field trips, etc. I could have skipped this and just hung out (which is sometimes the best thing!), but I was worried that I'd be shirking my teaching duties and I had a county review coming up soon.

After the summer, I was prepared to have similar issues with my son when school started. However, he hasn't had any of those problems this year so far. (Thank God!) I don't feel like I necessarily did anything special to get us here. I just think time served as a terrific healing agent.

I hope your little guy comes out of his funk soon. I read once that you should hug your child and tell them you love them 10 times a day...whether you feel like it or not. There have been times I have had to apply this rule to myself to make it through family challenges (we have 6). It's been as good for me as my children.

I should note that two of our children are ADHD (not our gifted child). Without their meds, they would be unable to learn. I see many unfocused behaviors in our gifted child as well. However, they do differ significantly. For example, DS7 can read for hours, draw for hours, etc. but sometimes tunes me out when I am covering material that he finds uninteresting, or he'll attend a sporting event and tune out the coach, because he really doesn't care about the activity. -- Also, when we started homeschooling last year, he would constantly yawn or fain indifference, because he had genuinely lost his love of learning.

On the other hand, our 2 with ADHD cannot get through a simple book, repeat questions over and over, because they cannot retain answers, spill constantly, misplace items on a routine basis, etc.

So, I guess I am trying to say that what appears to be ADHD may or may not be. It could be learned boredom/indifference, or it could actually be a brain/nerve disorder. I think a mother's intuition is good, so I would recommend you have him tested. However, keep in mind that (from what I've read), many gifted children gets placed in the same bucket because they are divergent thinkers.

Hang in there. Homeschooling is definately harder than I thought it would be (mostly because I want to do the best job possible). However, it is also incredibly rewarding once you get past the initial settling period.

To answer a couple of questions:

We've only had the gifted testing done by a school psychologist. Ds was diagnosed with SPD when he was 4, but I thought he had overcome a lot of those issues. Is behavior in public is fine, other than the constant fidgeting and movement (ants in the pants!). In fact, his behavior is very good when he is engaged in something that's interesting to him. I feel like he has to learn to cope with situations that are unpleasant or in situations where he is uninterested. I swear he believes the rest of the world is here to entertain him. We do have space for him to play but he is not very independent. For him, being the social creature that he is, solo activities are pointless. He's beginning to play a little more on his own in his room, but if I tell him to go outside and play, he'll say it's boring because there are no kids to play with. When I ask him if he'd prefer to be in school, he says no. It's probably the same for him as it is for me. We are choosing between two flawed alternatives. Neither is perfect. Oh, and dh thinks some of this has to do withMom being teacher.