Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Need advice on dealing with relatives...

We decided to pull ds6 out of private Catholic school due to boredom and the typcial behaviors that accompany that boredom. Not to mention, we were paying out the nose for ds to learn nothing for two years+. So, we're homeschooling, and excluding a rough start on day 1, ds is doing beautifully. I knew my sweet little boy was in there somewhere! He's like a different person. He's LOVING school and even wants to do more in the evenings when we're finished with school and getting ready for bed! He's learning so much already, and I'm just so happy. Not one meltdown, no crying, not speaking badly of himself (used to feel pretty down on himself because school was such a struggle, and he didn't fit in well).

He has had no problems leaving the kids from school; He hasn't even asked about them. I don't think there were any really strong connections, which I guess is typical. He was a year ahead of the other kids due to holding him back in PK4 for "social" reasons. Bad idea, but anyway, my point is he was already chronologically older than the others, and then add in the fact that he's several grade levels ahead of them, he really didn't mesh well in that environment. They said they couldn't provide a differentiated curriculum, and they couldn't accelerate him.

So....dh and I feel very good about the decision to homeschool at this point. We're still reasearching other schools to try to find somewhere that can meet ds's needs. So far, we're not impressed, but we're going to keep looking.

We have family, on the other hand, who are not supportive and feel that we're making a huge mistake. I feel like we're the ones who have done all the research, and we're his parents. Obviously, we feel like we're making the best decision for ds.

What do you tell family members who question your decision? What do you tell them when they are just positive that your child is going to turn out to be "weird"? What do you tell them when they say he needs "socialization"? And they say, "soccer once a week isn't enough!"?

We have playdates with friends, after school activities, and we're looking into the possibility of a coop. I'm sorry to go on and on. It seems that no matter what I say, there's always a "yeah, BUT...." People have preconceived ideas about homeschooling that you just can't break through. Has anything worked for you?

Thanks for "listening" to me vent. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Jen

Jen,

Not a fun topic, but necessary I know. We've had our share dealing with parents/family and their reactions to homeschooling - I won't give you the anecdotes as I don't want to get *my* blood pressure up remembering them. I posted a bit on this on your thread about your bad first day.

An article on socialization that I really like is:
http://www.tnhomeed.com/LRSocial.html

However, in general, the Hoagie's article is *really* good overall.

Honestly, though, I don't have any "tricks" on this. The proof is in the pudding, quite literally here. If family can't see the change in your DS, then there's little liklihood they will change their perspective. If that's the case, well it's not really their business anyway and I wouldn't discuss it with them.

It never hurts to vent, though!

Oh, and be glad you have a son. Not once, but THREE times, I've had people ask me "What about the prom?" LOL! Guess that's the pinnacle of public education in America these days!

Just time for a quick post on our experiences with this...

My mom was resisting homeschooling, and it got worse and worse. (She holds grudges, so a number of things were wrong that I didn't even know about. Homeschooling was just one. )

Finally it came out that she felt my choices for my child were a reaction against her choices, and that I was "so different" from her, which she took as a criticism.

I thought a moment and then asked her if her choices for me when I was a child were about her mom. She was aghast, and replied that of course they were not!

"Then why would mine be all about you? We're making the best choices we can for our child, just as you did for yours."

I was afraid I had overstepped, but she got it. It made sense to her. She got a lot more supportive, even started treating me with a measure of respect. I actually ask her for advice about education now because I know she'll think it through and not just knee-jerk reject anything that isn't what she did. She and my dad even homeschooled for a day so I could visit my younger son's preschool one day. Supportive!

I don't know if that's relevant to your particular case, but dealing with the specific fears and issues that your mom has might help.

If it's just "homeschooling is bad" and not so personal for her as it was for my mom, then maybe asking her what she's worried about and then providing her with counterevidence could help.

The other thing that helped me in general with anyone who disapproved of homeschooling was my realizing that it doesn't matter what "they" think. (Whoever "they" are.) Letting go of the need to persuade people is the best thing you can do. If they judge you badly, so what? It's not open for debate. You're the mom. The decision is made. They are free to have their opinions, but it doesn't have to affect you one iota.

And if you stop feeling defensive, a funny thing happens: they stop sensing that they've found a weak point and the assaults stop. It's really kind of uncanny. So even if you don't feel 100% sure of your decision yet, no one else needs to know that unless you trust them. "They" may mean well, but if they're not helping you or your child, you don't have to open the matter for discussion. It's okay to say "We're satisfied that we're making the right choice, thanks. Now let's talk about that goal your son made last night/your lovely rose bushes/your new haircut/etc."

If you talk about their life and interests, they can't talk about your kids.

Best wishes. It does get easier.

I understand completely and agree 100% with Kriston's post and suggestions - my dad and his wife were supportive from day one (they were the ones who originally planted the seed of homeschooling in our heads to begin with) but my DH's side of the family constantly question our decision. I used to go around in circles trying to explain that he is being more social now then he was ever allowed in his public school classroom (where they are told on a constant basis NOT to talk with the other students and sit quietly at their desks and do their work- not to talk at lunch and eat and then they took away playground time and made then do a structured PE time - so I laugh when I hear the whole socialization comment). This year I just gained the mentality Kriston stated - it doesn't matter what "they" think...you know your child and what they need the best. I also do the same thing of not going on the defensive and just make a very short and to the point comment and then move the converstation on and it is funny that the other person just kind of moves on with the conversation as well :-)

I think this is true. I was a bit nervous starting to homeschool in our neighborhood where there is so much love for the neighborhood school. But my approach to talking about it has always been very laid back ("this works with our lifestyle right now", "it's great being able to travel off season", "it's either this or I'm working a real job"). If people push, I do get into more the actual nuts and bolts of why we choose the path we did. GT issues brought us down this road of homeschooling initially, but many other amenities help keep us here for now.

I think the proof is in the pudding. Your child is your best advocate! I've had several skeptics talk to DS8 for a couple minutes and be on board. My father initially thought we were crazy, but now he totally gets it a year later. There are those who may never come around, but they're probably the kind of people who may hold a grudge about something else anyway.

Hang in there! I remember where I was with this mentally a year ago. It gets better!

Exactly. The beginning is hard. People are finding out you are homeschooling and you have the need to explain yourself. BTDT I remember getting into a fight with our very good friends when they found out about our plans. Never mind that it was them who had suggested only a few months earlier that homeschooling could be the right choice for us.

Once you are confident enough about homeschool and your own choice, once you no longer care what others think, things get much better.

You do not own anybody an explanation. You can tell them why you did it, but then move on. Most of the people argue because of their own insecurity. If you homeschool perhaps they should/should have hs too. You will meet people who are supportive and people who don't get it. It's ok.

As for your own family, they may need time to get used to the idea. They may become more supportive once they see what's your child learning. That happened with MIL and FIL. The only thing I would make sure about is that all their concerns are discussed out of your son's earshot.

Good luck

After hearing lots of negativity about our choice I have a couple of answers to most of the questions I get now. I have used pretty much all of them with my family/in-laws.

Wolf is getting to go at his own pace and is SO excited about all he is learning.

He's actually getting a chance to be a kid rather than having to sit in a room all day, bored to death, learning nothing, grouped with kids he has very little in common with.

He gets lots of socialization. REAL socialization. Our current school model is totally alien to the actual human experience. Where else in your life are you forced to be in a room with 30 other people your own age for years at a time? Wolf gets to know kids of different ages and even gets to interact with adults who have similar interests. He has a much more well rounded social life than kids who go to conventional school.

Speaking of which if you ever hang out at playgrounds that are frequented by homeschoolers you'll notice that they will play nicely with kids of any age. What other environment do you see teenagers happily hanging out with younger kids and all of them actually getting something out of it?

As for dealing with family, I also barraged mine with articles and links. You made the decision, but there is TONS of research to back you up.

Thank you all very much. I will heed the advice, and more than anything I am committed to standing by the decision. I feel so good about it, and ds is doing so well. The doubt creeps in every now and then, especially when I realize I just gave up my entire income and changed our lifestyle completely. However, I feel very confident that this is working for ds; I do like the advice that no one else has to know when I do have doubts.

My mom is very persisten when she doesn't get her way, and she has difficulty with boundaries. It's hard for her to just say, "Ok, he's your child, and I trust you to make the right decision." I always think it must be nice to always have all the right answers. (sarcasm) I've never had the luxery of feeling that way! I wonder why? (more sarcasm)

My mom is big on the elite private school setting where "all the kids are gifted." Yeah, right. So, what? We sign on to pay $12,000/year for a setting that might end up being a nightmare for ds? Once you sign on the dotted line, you can't back out or you have to pay the full tuition for the year. I have learned way too much about the difficulties of educating gifted children to take that risk!

Anyway, it's nice to be able to vent in a safe place like this where others understand our plight. Thanks so much. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support and guidance.