Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy need support with DD5

for the first time ever, i've had both my kids home for the month of august with me. I feel like i truly need support and the people in my life keep blowing me off and making me feel like a bad parent. My DD5 is a HG child with oppositional tendencies. I am frantic about kindergarden, fearing it will be a huge failure. My best friend was over and i was trying to explain everything to her (intensity, giftedness, how difficult it was) etc. and she said basically that i need to buy her pretty school clothes and get her "excited" that way for kindergarden like any other little girl. Then she said i have to stop treating her "differently" .. I hid my anger, but i felt like i'd been going thru this for three years, trying every angle, changing myself, changing the environment, etc. and i'm just DONE and what i get was that i should dress her cuter. I talked to my partner about it and she said "maybe she has a point" and we took her shopping for school clothes. Huge disaster! She kept trying to figure out what clothes I didn't like then that would be what she'd want. So if I could tell by the look on her face that she loves something, i'd have to hide that i liked it too in order for her to chose it.. Then when getting wind that it was ok with me (That i would not fight it) she'd change her mind.. So we left teh store in tears and even left all of her brothers clothes there too. Huge scene..

So i said later it was my fault, i should know by now it wouldnt' work. The way to get her to accept new clothes (which she actually does want and need) is to have them "appear" in her room like they came in teh mail from someone.. So yesterday i went to another store, bought hugely expensive designer clothes that she could not dislike, with the plan of having them appear in her room. The plan went awry (long story) and she caught me holding the bag and freaked again .. I am at the point where I feel like I just need support- hang in there , etc.. Unfortunately this all happened at my in-laws yesterday and my mother in law kept saying "but she's so great with ME" and "she needs a strong hand", etc etc. which isn't so bad if we hadn't tried so many approaches already, if i didn't have stacks of books, reading on internet every night, etc..

when my older child had pdd/autism i felt like everyone rallied around and helped- with this i feel like her problems are actually more intense and everyone just thinks i'm a clueless parent and needs trivial bits of advice. Anyone else been there?

irene

What are you specifically worried about? Did your worry stem from your daughter's actual comments about K or from your concerns based on her needs/behavior? Is there a chance she is picking up emotions from you?
I have been in the situation where people think it is all a big picnic to have a gifted kid and have not only no sympathy but actual hostility towards any frustration of mine over how to get their needs met. And yes, if a child has what is viewed as a disability the sympathy is readily found.
Now, as for practical advice. I seriously and with great difficulty gave up trying to choose clothes for my daughter. She has some sensory issues along with an artist's need for individual expression. Some days she looks adorable in what she chooses and some days she looks like she shopped at Good Will with a blindfold on. BUT, it makes a difference in her compliance and ability to tolerate the outside world during the day. This is a girl who attended a catholic school with a strict dress code. When wearing what was expected her behavior was so bad they suggested I take her for counseling. When I asked them if we could just see what affect letting her wear clothes of her choice would make they were astounded at the improvement. And I mean a complete turnaround on the first day she wore what she wished..not a slow process.
After three boys you have to imagine it killed me not to "dress up" my little girl. I still stare wistfully at all the cute little things in the store but I would rather have a happy secure feeling girl.
I realize that this only addresses the not-central issue of clothes.
As for K? Maybe just try to be neutral. Since she is HG she will see right through your attempt to "talk it up" since you are experiencing anxiety. What about simply saying that both of you should reserve judgement until after one month of school. That for her (or you) to expect the very best or very worst is not realistic and you will both have to see just exactly what K is like and take things as they come.
Hope some/any of this helped.

If she knows what size she wears, how about give her a shopping basket. Tell her to buy X number of things and you'll be waiting at the end of aisle when she is finished. Then walk away. All the decisions are hers....no checking w/ you if she likes something. She's fighting for control. I'd decide in what areas you are OK w/ her having control. She might then more agreeable in the areas you won't compromise on.

and great, big, cyberhugs for you.

thanks for the replies and support. I don't want to get upset again writing a long reply but i do hear you and your comments are good ones:)
irene

I found that with some things if I talk something up too much it makes things worse.

Ex. A:
Trying to plan ahead and make things go well but this was too much and he rejects my idea.

Will you play with this younger boy, he's very cute and nice. He will feel left out if you don't play with him. I'd bet he likes your cars. He is just a little younger than the other boy you played with.

His anwser, NO!

Example B:
We are going to someone's house and a boy will be there. He said he would like to play with you if you want.

His anwser, OK

I think in the first effort I was trying too hard to make things good. I need to let things alone more and have faith they will go well. He need to be prepared without suprize and get to make the decision/choice.

I hope this helps. It's still hard for me to remember this all the time. When I realize I'm in the middle of a mistake where I've try to sell him on something too much I try to catch myself and stop. Just let the subject go without it becoming a big deal for a few days or weeks) and then reapproach it at a good moment

I wish you peace. Try and take a day outside with her and have fun. Maybe go to the zoo. Some place where the rules feel relaxed. This always helps me get back on track with my kids.

PS. Last year at school I was so worried about my daughter in k. Yet the teacher said, she wonderful, what ever you are doing keep doing it. I approached her a few times with things and she was very helpful. Then, one time after seeing my stress she said I could pray about it. I thought that is a good idea. I grew to trust her and let her know where I wanted my daughter to grow socially and felt confortable she would do what she could to help her.

Hi Irene -
I'm so glad that you are sharing your frustration with us here! Go Irene!

I was just reading in 'The Explosive Child' page 143

I like that Ross Greene's book about 'easily frustrated, chronically inflexible children' goes out of it's way to remove 'parental blame' from the equation. I'm horrified at the 'brand new ideas' that are introduced as reccomendations. LOL - I've been doing all that and my kid is still easily frustrated and chronically inflexible! What if I had been doing ordinary parenting all this time....gulp! Although I must admit that over the years and epecially since his grade skip, and this summer's camps, and my new found love for energyparenting.com /'Transforming the Difficult Child', he is more flexible and more frustration-tolerant. Just don't try to compare him to kids on TV, ok?

What parenting books have you been reading and trying out so far?
Have any of them help at all?
Do you have any clue why or why not?

There were days in years past when I swore that DS13 was so oppositionaly that if DH has said: 'Would you like a hundred dollars?' DS would have said: 'NO!'

For my son, his hot-button issue is that he wants to be treated with respect. The early elementary years were a nightmare, as he couldn't fathom why all the school adults treated the kids 'like babies.'

We also have that 'I'm nervous so he gets nervous and acts out' thing going. Lately I've been trying to take deep breaths - something that always sounded pathetic to me, but even if the extra oxygen isn't helping, it's a great way to 'Don't just do something, sit there!'

Sorry about the whole 'new clothing' mess. Keep in touch and let us know if you can find any victories, ok?

Love and More Love,
Grinity

It�s possible she may have too many decisions for a 5-year old. When there is not enough routine or parameters children can get anxious. This is easy to do with really smart kids.

Anxiousness can look like shutting down, belligerence, indecision, rebellion, and so on.

A five-year old can be shown two or three outfits and given a choice. (In fact some parents don't have them choose.) If she can�t choose don�t buy it. If she is too difficult to shop with bring home outfits and have her choose, but be honest, �what you don�t want goes back to the store.� And for goodness sake buy inexpensive clothes for a selective child. If she doesn't wear it, give it to charity.

Also look at executive functioning. A smart child can look together, but beneath the surface they may need individualized routines for daily living activities. Smart But Scattered addresses this.

And you don�t know how K will go until she tries so try not to worry in front of her or burden her with concerns.

I hope it goes well for both of you.

"It must be soo cool to have a kid like that!" I can't tell you how many times i've heard that and wanted to offer to give them a turn!

It's very hard with these kids to say "because I said so", but sometimes you have to. If I gave my DS6 the option of picking out his own clothes, we'd never leave the store. His little perfectionist bug would kick in. As far as school goes, I agree with whoever said to give it a month. Let her know that school is different for everyone and she has to try it for herself.

We have a ritual that we do every night at the dinner table. Someone turns and asks the person next to them how their day was. The question gets answered, then that person asks the next person. If you start this now before school starts, then when it does you'll be able to get a much clearer picture of what's really going on. I've learned many things during these brief conversations. My kids have gotten so into the routine that they often times "spill" much more than they intended (especially my teens)

Ah, the choices. Such fun! At piano last week, the teacher let DS5 pick a sticker to put on one of his completed pages. I sat there thinking "oh no, there goes the rest of the lesson." But when DS started waffling, the clever piano teacher started counting down "5,4,3,2..." and DS picked one immediately. I will have to start trying that.

We still get crummy answers from DS about how his day went. We'll have to try some of the suggetions here. (His famous preschool responses were "Just sat in the corner and did nothing," and "The teacher left right after you dropped me off, so all the kids played, and the teacher came back just before you picked me up.")

For us I buy the clothes (with an eye to their likes) and they get to pick what to wear within seasonal limits. However clothes have never been too much of an issue here...