Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy what's another way to say you must obey?

When I dealing with my son by telling him you must obey your parents. I tell him his parents know what is best for him and he should do as he is told. I'm sorry if this is confusing but that's why you have parents to help. It is respectful to do what I tell him to do. You will fell better if you do the right thing. I think he lacks in self control at times and get frustrated with my control. I want to get him to want to do the right thing more becuase it is right not because he will lose a privelage. Hope someone cand help.

You need to do X because of Y. This is not optional or negotiable.

I do try to give age-appropriate reasons for what I am asking my kids to do. I don't apologize or talk about respect. I do use natural consequences when they don't follow through.

Wow! Cathy, That's exactly what a psychologist in social skills group session we attended told us(desperate parents) to do! No long explanations, lectures or negotiations. He said we should use natural consequences and positive reinforcements. Be consistent and make sure to follow through what you say or do.

We also watched the video called 1-2-3 Magic in the class.
http://www.parentmagic.com/
It was interesting.

And, now for a different approach...

I'd suggest thinking about your long term goals. My goal is to raise a child who thinks critically, cares about himself and others and thinks through the consequences of his actions so he's guided to make wise decisions. I believe that end goal is best served by lots of plenty of respectful discussion and by practice learning to make decisions especially when the child is younger and the risks of a bad decision aren't as high. If all the child has learned is 123 time out they aren't really learning how to make appropriate decisions or consider the needs of others.

In my opinion simply demanding obedience for obedience's sake gets us away from achieving these goals. Children who are taught to be obedient can easily transfer that obedience to someone else who doesn't have their best interests at heart - an influential but bad influence peer, a bully, a creepy person who wants to take advantage of them, etc.

I won't always be there so I want a child who can ask questions, weigh moral decisions and think for himself. Telling a kid do as I say now and don't ask questions is not the road to getting there. I don't want the kid who jumps off the bridge because someone else tells him to, but instead would prefer the kid who isn't afraid to say jumping off the bridge is a bad idea and here's why I'm not doing it. Also, the reality is especially as kids get older our power to force them to comply is really quite limited as they can learn to sneak, break rules, etc. I want the child who does what is right even if I'm not there to make him.

That said, obviously there are certain matters of dire health and safety where compliance needs to be required and even in these situations the likelihood of getting compliance will increase if the child really understands the whys of the situation. It has also been my experience when your child understands you aren't a micromanager who doesn't trust them, on the big stuff they listen because they get the gravity of the situation if you are so serious about it.

Books I suggest:
http://www.amazon.com/Kids-Are-Worth-Giving-Discipline/dp/0380719541

http://www.amazon.com/Kids-Parents-Power-Struggles-Lifetime/dp/0060930438/ref=pd_sim_b_4

This gets more difficult (and scarier) as they hit their teens. I have always given her decisions to make per her age. She is a good decision maker now.

However, there are many "house rules" she needs to follow due to the fact that she has to live with others. This is a fact of life. Her messy room is a problem. When I have to buy new clothes just because she cannot find hers, that is time to step in and clean.

I have always had her complete her homework. I know people of gifties differ on this, but most kids quit doing their homework in middle school. It is built into her head that she has to complete this. Starting in Kinder, there were bonus questions and she had to work these. I wanted her to know that these are not optional in life. Due to this, she has very little trouble completing homework and this is not a fight.

Also, I strongly believe that I have lived through way more than she has and I have a bigger picture and more data. There are things that she will have to live through to make certain decisions in her life. Therefore, there are big decisions that I make for her.

thank you pass the potatoes, that's just what I need. I ordered both books from the library.

I would agree with Pass the Potatoes.

Mr W is only 18 mos old, but we have found the last three months that he does MUCH better when we discuss what we are going to do with him. If we try to do something with him that he does not understand, then he goes into hysterics.

Similar to Pass the Potatoes- in a shorter version:
http://wondertime.go.com/parent-to-parent/article/why-kids-should-talk-back.html

My 6 year old is very stubborn, very logical and very much a lawyer at heart. He will argue until the cows come home if he thinks your point has no merit. There has never been "because I said so" in my house because it would have only increased the argument.

We have "Team ___" (our last name)rules. If you want to be on the team, you have to follow the rules. If you don't, you go to the penalty box for a time to be determined by the referee (me). We have all taken our time in the penalty box in the last 6 years! If you would like to discuss a rule change, you must do it when the rule has NOT been violated.

I worry about ever giving him the impression that adults are always right, that he must do what I say or that you can't ask "why am I doing this?" He knows there is a tone in my voice, reserved for emergencies, that means JUMP NOW ASK LATER. But I want him to learn to question and understand WHY it's good, not just believe it's good because I said so.

We talk about things in terms of choices, "If you choose to do x, you are choosing y", "I'm sorry you are unhappy with the choice you made, you understood that you were choosing the consequence, hopefully tomorrow you will make a different choice that you will be happier with.", "You made a great choice there, thanks for your cooperation!".

I want my kids to take personal responsibility. Consequences aren't things I *do* to the kids, they are the "then" part of the "if, then" sequence and they *choose* the "then" when they choose the "if". Adult life is a series of choices, and beyond truly dangerous things, I want my kids to feel empowered to practice making choices now. My authority as their parent comes from defining the choices and following through with the consequence (good or bad) of the choices they make, not making the choices for them.

The kids know they can ask me about any rule, I will be happy to explain it to them as long as they are asking in the spirit of cooperation and understanding. I won't argue with them and will be quick and firm when they start arguing, "I am not arguing with you. You know what your options are, what is your choice?" (and refusing to choose between the options is a choice and also comes with consequences). But, like CAMom, if the kids have suggestions for rule changes I am always willing to listen and discuss, as long as the rule is not currently being broken.

At least that's how things work on the good days, lol. On the bad days, we just try to muddle through and make better choices

I think that there is a difference between demanding obedience for obedience's sake and expecting a child to comply with reasonable rules without negotiation and argument. I question the wisdom of teaching children that they are entitled to a lengthy negotiation and/or explanation for every decision.


This idea is, I think, extremely important. I too am willing to discuss rules/expectations at a separate time, but I won't allow them to use negotiation as an avoidance or delaying tactic. That smacks of manipulation to me, and I definitely do not want my children to learn that manipulation is the surest way to get what they want.

I don't buy the assertion that teaching our children to comply with appropriate rules and expectations for behavior is the same as teaching children to obey inappropriate or unsafe directions given by other adults. That is a separate teaching point. As a parent I believe it is my responsibility to teach my children to differentiate between reasonable rules and expectations (which I expect them to follow without wasting everyone's time or making everyone else miserable) and inappropriate, dangerous or otherwise unreasonable rules, directions or expectations. I think that the evidence favoring authoritative parenting over permissive, neglectful or authoritarian parenting, is compelling.

(brief summary here for those interested but not familiar:

http://www.athealth.com/Practitioner/ceduc/parentingstyles.html

I also recommend the book Blessing of the Skinned Knee There is a drawing on religious teachings within the book, but it is not preachy and absolutely can be appreciated by someone of a different faith--there are thoughtful reviews on the Amazon site that speak to this. Like all parenting books, no one will find it a 100% fit, but I think it has a lot of wisdom contained within it)

I have become increasingly concerned over the past ten years or so by the entitlement mindset of so many young adults--there seems to be a sense that if they can come up with a rationalization for why they did or did not do something (e.g. fail to fulfill a responsibility; fail to meet criteria set by an employer or instructor), then the rationalization negates any actual problem or liability for the consequence. Is this because these young people were not taught to respect rules and expectations set by others? Is it because they were taught that if they didn't agree with a rule/expectation it could be discussed away? Or at least delayed by their right to negotiate or challenge it? Hard to say for sure, but it has definitely begun to inform the way I think about raising my own kiddos.