Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy what's another way to say you must obey?

Apart from issues of safety (no running into traffic, etc.), we really have only one rule chez Marx: treat others the way we want to be treated ourselves. The golden rule seems to have covered anything that has ever come up around here (and it's simple for me, which is a bonus!); we have fostered both empathy and the sense of family as community in various ways from the very beginning, which has facilitated the implementation of our single rule (I think I've mentioned on other threads our continually added-to "fridge lists" of things we love about each other, kind things we did for someone else today, and so on, and also our hokey family team cheers, which I haven't needed to resort to lately...). We try, too, to extend their sense of empathy beyond the family by involvement in our community. Of course everybody (me included) still has the odd day where they are feeling a bit scratchy, but by and large, peace (although not quiet!!) is the order of the day here. Maybe keeping it simple might help?

peace
minnie

PS no5no5: I wonder if she is feeling ashamed of herself, and is creating some sort of ironic distance, so she doesn't need to feel so bad? I think children at that age are easily overwhelmed by emotion, a fact that seems obvious when we think about anger or fear, but maybe less so when we think about something like pain or shame. Two of my kids when they were about that age got a bit weird when they hurt themselves, and wouldn't accept any comfort, even when they clearly wanted some--when it was obvious to me that they were longing for a hug (but not other times), I'd pretend to stub my toe or something and ask them to come comfort me! That way, they got their hug and got to hang on to their masculine pride at the same time! I wonder if there's a way you could find to help her make a little space inside herself until she gets a little older? I think this kind of thing really does pass with age--give her about a year, I'd say, and she'll be fine--you're doing great!

I don't think anyone style of parenting works in every situation. It's often a case by case basis. These discussions are hard b/c someone will take something as an absolute when it really isn't.

I think much of it is in the delivery. Parent A can say something and it's taken the right way but Parent B can say it w/ a quite different tone and it can be very negative. I also think intent is important. Also, I think the personality on the receiving end must be taken into account.

FOr ex: FOR YEARs, I heard how I embarrassed my mother by the way I was dressed, how she didnt want to be seen w/ me in public dressed the way I was yada yada yada. It fell on deaf ears. Her discomfort was her problem not mine. My mom is a Southern Bell and is dressed to kill to go grocery shopping. I was just fine in jeans, sneakers, and a t-shirt w/ no makeup (GASP the HORROR) . Instead, I try to impart to my DC about what their appearance/behavior communicates to others and if that is the message they won't to convey - leaving my discomfort out of it. That usually works. 8-)

Yup and add in a little dose of being mad at herself because she knows she screwed up.

I'd try to keep some distance and not give it too much of a response in the moment.

I have a question passthepotatoes. Do you also tell your kids to only say 'please' and 'thank you' if they mean it?

Ren

I have not found forced expressions of please or thank you are necessary in order for children to learn manners. We've found as many parents have, when it is modeled and when children understand and care about the needs of others that please and thank you follow naturally. Given the number of compliments we get about manners I'm guessing it worked.