Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Just Need some Support

I'd like to invite you all to tea - or maybe a 'gifted beer summit'. .... if only .......

Personally, I find even mentioning where my kids go to school (when asked), sometimes awkward, due to it being a gifted cluster magnet school. On the other hand, I'm so very aware that I'm lucky to have these as my problems - and this site to feel human again!

I do believe that we can encourage or discourage tension in our daily circle of friends by avoiding the milestone conversations.
To be blunt my child is smarter than the other children in my circle, so I am not free to discuss my child's accomplishments. I can either win the one-up game or have friends. I choose the latter, and besides I am proud of their kids and don't want them to feel bad.

I believe that everyone needs a safe outlet & a place to brag without it being percieved as a one-up.
For my best friend that safe place is me....and for me, that safe place can only be here.
It's great to have a place where my kid is normal.
I think you all have wonderful children and I love to hear about them and their amazing abilities!
beer & wine sound devine!

I agree with you, Floradama, what I do is fairly similar to what you do. I want my friends to be proud of their kids in front of me, so in conversations about kids I try to focus on their kids. Plus there are so many other issues that are common to all families that we can talk about. I used to feel that I have no one to talk to about my kids, other than close family. Now it's better as I'm getting to know more people IRL and online. For example, I can safely discuss my DS's math abilities with the math professor that I got to know... We will all figure out what we can say with which group...

About bragging, though. I have seen plenty of parents brag, and I don't think it's related to whether their kids are GT.

Yes! I think that's the piece that is so important. It's only where the challenges that accompany parenting a gifted child are "normal" that those challenges aren't met with skepticism. I've often found that people are receptive to a point, but that the understanding is limited, so the ability to empathize is limited. None of us want to be one of "those" parents, but the very act of puzzling out a problem we are having (especially when the problem is, "my kid has already met and exceeded all the grade level standards, and the school doesn't see this as a problem"), is seen as...I don't know...disingenuous maybe? Covert bragging?

Maybe all gifties should be born to parents who are 100% confident about parenting decisions 99% of the time. Unfortunately, I fall more into the category of 90% confident 80% of the time (and that is perhaps a generous statistical guesstimate!). Meld that with a processing style that is primarily oral (including espeech and other expressive writing of course)and I need a community with the stamina to let me talk out all of my unanswered kid questions.

Hmmm....as I write this I am thinking that we have fallen into an all-or-nothing description of our interactions with other parents and friends. I talk about my kids IRL too--but it is usually about those aspects of their lives with which there is a lot of common ground--the "yay!" of watching DS go through an entire baseball inning without stopping to draw intricate designs in the dirt (of course with a ball sailing over his head unnoticed); DD's hurt feelings when she isn't chosen as a lunch buddy; our camping trip and the fun DD and DS had rock hopping in the river and skipping stones; the awesome books we are enjoying for read aloud...

Those conversations are easy to have IRL, mainly b/c there is an easy reciprocity in the sharing and an ability to appreciate, empathize or sympathize with the ups, downs, and oh-so-funnies. It's just that there is this one part of who my children are that I also need to talk about, and I need to do it here, where my kids' experiences seem more "normal". Where I can learn from the experiences of others who have wrestled with the same questions and challenges; where I don't worry about a mental eye roll (Although now that I think about it, maybe that should be an icon!)and I don't feel a need to "balance" my child's strengths with a weakness when I talk about them as people. I'm thinking that perhaps saying we are "proud of" our children is an inaccurate use of language. Maybe what we're really talking about is admiration. I admire many of the things that my children do and say, just as I admire many of the things that others do and say. The difference is, that while it is socially acceptable to discuss what you admire about others, it is socially suspect to discuss what you admire about your own child. Except here. So again, thank goodness for here!

Nice post, Taminy! When a discussion becomes more heated people tend to take more extreme stands, but in the end I think they are often simply stressing the two sides of the same thing. Beer and wine will be good...

I just want to say that this forum has been a real turning point in my life! It has been the first place that I can discuss my DS7 and DS5 where I feel that people are understanding and supportive. It has helped DH and I to make some major decisions regarding DS7's acceleration - things that I couldn't even discuss with my closest friends or relatives. I, like a lot of others, find discussing my DS with friends very hard. A lot of people just assume that he is drilled and made to study at home - they can't understand that a kid like him can be self-driven or that he can achieve what he has (now I hope that no-one perceives this as bragging - or am I being paranoid now )

This forum is a place where my DS is normal and I am so grateful for it!

Just want to add that I remember the support I got from this forum a while ago when DS was treated unfairly at school (he finished his math worksheet very quickly, and the teacher said "I know you are good but no one can be this good" and suspected DS of cheating of some sort). Some fo the replies brought me to tears. For me, this forum provides lots of information, and also a place where my frustration gets understood. I can be proud of my kids quietly, but being able to vent frustration is great. So thanks everyone, I appreciate all of you and your differing views!

My original point exactly re finding the right audience. In this environment I don't have to choose. In other environments you are correct that in hindsight I have learned to censure for the sake of feelings and friendships. I certainly use a measure restraint when discussing DD now that I did not in the early year or so of her life. My original point was that I do not think that this is something that comes naturally. I think most parents (and maybe you are the exception) have an innate desire to talk about their children especially around other parents. I do not think that this makes me a horrible conversationalist or a shallow bore that has no life outside of her children. Somehow I manage to have great conversations with people that do not have children. It is just a simple fact that when I am with other parents we talk a lot about our children--potty training, the elusive nature of sleep, play groups, schools, sports, and sometimes achievement/milestone issues come up. When they do come up I can sometimes avoid uncomfortable moments and others I cannot no mater how hard I try. For example, just last night I was asked what preschool DD was going to next year. I said she is starting kindergarten. I did not add early or state where in an effort to stop the conversation in its tracks because I could see where it was headed. My answer prompted several follow up questions--isn't she only 4, why are you starting her early, is this wise.

My initial point was that having to self-censure to avoid making someone else feel bad or to avoid an uncomfortable situation makes me feel isolated at times. Isolated because I cannot share everything that I would like to about what is going on in my life and my child's life. For example, this year we agonized over whether to start DD a year early in school. I could not talk about this with my best friend from college because she was struggling with whether to hold her son back a year. I recognized that it would insensitive to discuss the pros and cons of starting DD early when my friend was facing the opposite issue.

Finding this place online (although in the past I have primarily been a lurker) and my local gifted parents group has enabled me to speak freely about my DD. I need the support and the feeling that I am not alone because many days I find it all exhausting. I realize that having a gifted child is a "high class problem to have" and for that very reason I need a place where I feel that I am understood and not judged. I am thankful to have found such a place and believe that it will make me a better parent in the end.

It is different strokes for different folks and I have no problem with your views. I am comfortable with my parenting style and with myself as a person. Being a parent is a big part of who I am and a part that I feel is nurtured by being able to share some stories with like-situated parents.

It is a pretty common theme voiced on forums like this by parents of gifted kids. Feeling like they can't be themselves, feeling like they can't enjoy their kids, feeling like they need to put their kids down, etc.


That's great. It has been my observation that even just within the PG community folks are in totally different boats because kids needs vary so much depending on drive, personality, disabilities, family resources, etc.

I don't believe friends all have to be in the same boat to support each other or find support.


I would assume most of us now realize how really limiting it it is to try to understand the range of child development by what we see expressed by 15 kids at playgroup. Understanding even just the bare minimum about child development points out why this is a bad idea and can lead to a lot of confusion and misunderstandings.

must get out the door, more later...

I question that there really are "average" kids. Lots of kids have some degree of asynchrony and most parents of typically developing kids worry about their kids too. Even in GT circles there can be tension as kids vary widely in what they need and parents can feel defensive for decision to accelerate or avoid acceleration for that matter.


There are lots of ways to be compassionate and engaged in conversation without joining in calling your children names. If there isn't then time to move on to a different conversation. Genuinely caring about other people means there are possibilities of connecting even the experience is not exactly the same.

How you would respond would have a lot to do with other bits of information not contained in the example - Is this a close friend? Is this the first you've heard about this from a random stranger? Is this a person who regularly complains about her kids? Depending on the situation appropriate answers might be "It is great she's making progress, I know it has been tough to get there", "math was never my thing either", "I'm not a huge fan of the math curriculum, what do you think about it?" "it is hard to see our kids struggle with stuff isn't it?" "math can be so frustrating - is she still loving soccer she really burns up the field doesn't she?"


So, if you had a child who was significantly developmentally delayed would you then define them as having less parts? Would you find less about them to love, care or be interested in? Is there no way in your mind to love a person separate from what they achieve?