Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Talking with your child about being gifted....

So DS just turned 5 and I have never used the word gifted with him. He is a PG kid and I would assume that he knows he is different in some ways but doesn't know the term gifted. He has asked before about why some people can't do certain things, but it has never been a big deal to him at all. He also knows that he is better at some things than adults. He will ask me to play a game or something and has said before "I know that you aren't that good at this game, but I still really want to play it with you." He doesn't think he is rude, just stating a fact. He is constantly called smart by people (strangers, doctors, people in stores, friends, everywhere). I hate when this happens, but there is not much that can be done about this as he is quite extroverted and reads in public and does math outloud in public, etc. Recently when someone said he was smart he matter of factly said "yeah I know." So a few days ago I asked him if he knows what smart really means. And he said yes, it is when you make good choices and do the right things. I liked his answer. I explained to him that we all have different brains and do things differently, and explained that people will often comment that he is smart when he is doing things that other people aren't always doing...but that it is most important what you do with the things you know, not just what you know. I left it at that. He is skipping K this year, but I am worried that when he is in a class with tons of kids and they are learning basic things that he has known forever, I fear that he will think that something is wrong with him. Also I applied for DYS and if he gets accepted I will at some point probably have to mention something to him about being "gifted." I don't like labels, have no problem using it as an adult, but am not sure about him knowing labels and am not sure how this discussion should go.

So my question, after this whole long thing, is how did you talk with your child about this? When did they realize they were gifted and how did you go about explaining some of this to them?

Hi- I am also new here...I have three gifted children (DS12, DD12, & DD6) All are subject accelerated, which is what our school offers. When my older kids were identified a few years ago,it was part of a new program the district offered & they were among the first to test into it, but they were older, the summer before 5th gr. They were always aware of their intelligence, but esp with my DD, who "flew under the radar" never really obvious to others. My DS has a strong ability in math, which was more "public".
DD6, however, is another story & sounds a lot like your child. I just received her scores & are in the PG range(she is going into 1st gr this fall..discussing now which subject(s)to accelerate her into). She truly loves to read & reads on a 5th/6th grade level. She will carry books with her to keep her occupied while at older kids' events & then people notice what she's reading. This has made for some very uncomfortable moments, both with other kids & parents.
I have explained being gifted to her in terms of her specific abilities ("You have a skill in reading, figuring out words, vocabulary..." etc) pointing out that others may have artistic or athletic gifts. She is old enough to understand that she had to take a test, get a certain score on the test in order to move up a grade. I have also told her that to imagine what it would be like if she was in 1st gr literacy next yr (where her friends are). She would be learning how to read & decode words, how that is not where she needs to be to learn something that is right for her. I try to put the emphasis on her needs, rather than on the abilities of her 1st gr friends.
Welcome to the world of gifted education...over the years, my experience has been pretty positive w/ school administration, staff, & students. The other parents, however, a differnt story

This is actually something I've been wondering about. DS(almost)5 is used to playing with 7 year olds and now about to start 1st graders. He's getting a grade skip to 1st at the semester (starting K-1 in an Independent Study program). I've done my best to shield him from feeling different for as long as I can. The kids don't care and our adult friends take him and his brother as they are, it's the other adults that tend to be an issue. I'm afraid that he will try to dumb himself down if he realizes that he is as different as he actually is. I just don't really know how to bring it up/explain it.

My parents never really explained any of it to me, just told me I was smart. I mean my dad and I almost joined up with Mensa and I just thought it was a club for smart people. I never really grasped the real difference until I was older and it would have saved me a whole lot of grief if I had known that I LITERALLY think differently than most people. I just don't know how or even when to try to explain this to DS...

We have already started talking about how everyone is different, thinks differently, has different abilities, etc., with DD3. I think it's pretty convenient that DH has dyslexia and reads noticeably worse than I do (and, actually, often worse than DD herself). So it comes up a lot.

I don't think I will explain the word "gifted" for a year or two (or until she asks, if that comes sooner). Though she is very good at remembering which things are not to be discussed in public for her age, she IS still 3. And, while we want her to be proud of herself and feel free to talk about herself if she wants to, it could be very awkward if she pipes up in the library, "I can read very well, because I am GIFTED."

Shellymos,

Your son sounds so much like mine!

He noticed he was different (or at least the first time he verbally expressed his observation) was when he was 4 years old, and he asked, "Do any other 4 year olds know how to do double-digit by single-digit multiplication like me?" I told him, "I'm sure there are," but in my mind I'm thinking, yeah, but I have no idea WHERE they are (until I found this board, when I realized that they actually DO exist - lol!)

My son was actually "grade-skipped" in preschool - three weeks into the 3 year old preschool class, the assistant director of the school called me into her office and said that she and his teacher thought it might be better for my son if we moved him to the 4 year old preschool class. He would be 4 anyway in a month, so we waited till after he turned 4 and moved him up. Interestingly enough, the kids in his 4 year old preschool class clearly noticed that my son was "different". When I was volunteering in the classroom one day, the class was at circle time and one little boy asked, "Is he in first grade? How does he know all this stuff?" (i.e., letters and their sounds, numbers). The teacher was wonderful at her explanation, saying that my DS really loves numbers and letters, so he works and plays with them a lot, just like how the little boy who asked the question really loved cars and trucks so he knew all about them.

DH and I have explained to our son that everyone does things at their own pace. Some people learn things faster than others, but everyone is always learning. And some people are better at things than others. He loves to learn, is very good at it, and he knows he is good at math, and we also tell him that Mom is good at xxx and Dad is really good at yyy, isn't it neat how people have different interests and are enjoy different things - it makes the world a more interesting place.

I do believe this conversation with DS will evolve as he gets older. Especially as he goes to school (starting K with the hope of skipping to 1st after an assessment period).

That sounds like a perfect way to put it. I know that although my son is a very very strong reader, unless he loves a book, he won't necessarily blast through it and read at the detail level as when he does (devours somethings, rereads, talks about the book for several days).

My ds is 9, we have talked to him about possibly being gifted, and either way, just different, when he started noticing he wasn't fitting in, around 1st grade, and then immediately talked about why you don't go around running and telling everyone you're 'gifted'.

Toward the end of 2nd grade, the gifted program at school sent home a survey, and DS wanted to know what I was doing. When I told him, he said, "we're getting a gifted student?" LOL, as if we were adopting a pet! So I said, "no, sweetheart, you're the gifted student," and I related it to the pull-out program where he gets to do some things that exercise his brain.

He seemed to take that in stride, but I think he is starting to hide his abilities for fear of being too different from his classmates. I thought he'd bounce right back over the summer but he seems rather determined, especially with reading - for the most part he has been reading really, really simple books. I wonder, though, if maybe those books have an emotional component (which he knows he'll get from Book X because he's already read it a thousand times) - for example, after his dad & I got back from vacation and the three of us were together again, he was reading a 32-pager called "The Best Place" (I think) which, IIRC, has to do with wanderlust and deciding that the best place is home.

I'm just keeping my fingers crossed for a knowledgeable, compassionate third grade teacher....

Anyway, if I had it to do over again, I would try to find a way to explicitly compare various abilities and interests of people he knows - what is your cousin really good at, what is the neighbor really good at, what do they enjoy doing most, etc.

Shelly,

Your DS is so much like mine! When DS6 was 5, he went through a period of spouting off. Told everyone how smart he was etc, it got really annoying.... This is how we fixed it. We signed him up for T-Ball. He was awful and he hated it! But it was the "smack in the face" that he needed to realize that everyone has their own strengths. There was 2 little boys on the team that were very good and bragged mercilessly. It drove DS crazy but it proved a point.

Now at 6, he's taking karate and he's not very good at that either. But when I refused to let him quit he buckled down and it's been really good for him. He has to work hard to get it right. We've had problems with DS and the little perfectionist bug many times. If things got hard, he'd quit. Since starting karate, he is beginning to learn the value of perservering and it shows in his willingness to try new things and not be so quick to walk away when things get tough.

About a month ago, a friends child who is 10 heard us talking about DS starting 4th grade this fall. He asked DS how he could be "that smart"? DS replied that it was just the way his brain works and he was willing to bet the other kid could hit a baseball. The other boy said "so what?" to which DS replied "we're all good at different things, I can't hit a baseball". That seemed to make everything all right in the boys mind and they happily went back to their game.

Had to laugh a little when I saw this thread. I haven't spoken to DD6 about the word "gifted" yet, but she does know that she is what is considered smart. So today I'm taking her to camp at a local college and there's a big sign that says "Gifted Students" drop off here. We talked about it before walking up. She made a friend within the first two minutes and then keep looking at me as if to say, I'm fine, it's time for you to leave. Oh my little heart strings.

thanks so much for the great comments. I don't plan on using the word "gifted" yet with him....but will need to mention it eventually as he is going to hear it. I just want ways of him understanding what is different about him. We have had talks before about how everyone's brains are different and everyone has different strengths. I think it will be helpful when we find more weaknesses for him. He does want to do T-Ball and other sports, but seems pretty good at those too. Although I don't think he is overly skilled in those areas or anything. I do appreciate when people know more about certain subjects than he does. I like that story Shari about your son talking about different strengths. So far he has never told anyone that he is smart, or been rude about it at all. He does know that he has a lot of strengths, but thankfully knows that everyone does and doesn't think he is any different or better. I just worry that the more people react to how different he is, the more he will start to think it and may need more answers. I think we will continue to say those same things and then as he gets older the conversations will change a little. I just don't want him to ever think that something is wrong with him.