Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Pulling my hair out - dealing with perfectionism

Ok, our scenario tonight is a typical one that occurs quite frequently with DS6 and it is driving me to the brink! He is such a perfectionist and I have NO clue how to help a 6 year old deal with it. Lately he has really been trying to do a lot more writing on his own - such things as making messages to hang on his door or writing notes and so has been asking for help with spelling words. I know with his dypraxia that spelling and writing is going to be a difficult road -but he is reading on a 5th grade level. We are convinced he learned to read by osmosis :-) He didn't learn phonetically - he just sees a word and learns it - so spelling is going to be a tough road. So, we really haven't done any pushing on writing and spelling. I went onto the elementary school's website and the first grade teachers had a spelling word list of words they work on for the year so he said it would be cool to put a group of words up on his door and practice them and when he learned those to put a new group up. I was game....first few weeks no problem....we set up his small trampoline and he would bounce and yell out each letter of the word and then yell the word....or while he is doing his get ready for bed routine, we would do various silly activities like spell a word over and over while he was brushing his teeth...his idea...and then at the end of the week, while we were doing various activities, I would yell out a word and he would spell it on a piece of paper for me...again, no problems....then tonight. He really wanted to do a few activities for his spelling words and then asked if he could write some of them down to put up some new ones...well he made a boo-boo on the word 'duck' and spelled 'duk'...I told him wow, how close he got and then said something like "one way I know to double check my words is to look at them after I write it and if it looks a little odd, then maybe I missed a letter or something. and then informed him that some words he will be able to sound out for spelling and others he will just have to learn by practice. " He said he knew it looked weird and then threw an absolute fit because he got it wrong...it was one of the first words in the 3 weeks we have done this that he got incorrect and he was beside himself. He had a full blown tantrum where he proceeded to rip himself up one side and down the other yelling, "I can't do this, I'm awful at this"....I was just so upset that i couldn't calm him down. And then it continued to escalate....
...he made an elaborate lego item that he spent like 45 minutes on tonight and he wouldn't tell me what it was. Then at bedtime, he informed me that it was a special "waker-upper" and that he planned on getting up at 6am to come "poke" me with his waker upper so that he had more hours in the day to play. I then informed him that he would be greeted with a very tired and very grumpy mommy and that 6am would not be a good time - how about 7:30 instead. He went into another crying fit, totally and completely over the top upset because his plans "never work out like I plan them to" and that the whole thing was "ruined" and that he would have to tear it all apart because the schedule was "programmed" into his tool. He finally calmed down after 15 minutes of just being heart broken to saying that he would have to "modify" it in the morning. ARGGGHHHH! Someone please tell me that this gets easier the older they get...I already have gray hairs!

Thanks master of none...I think the hardest part is that DS6 is the sunshine of my life and I want SOOOO badly to take his frustration, anger....away from him and I try really hard not only to model but sit and talk about how everyone makes mistakes and it is okay. I am really laid back and have never, ever pushed him into anything...if he has shown an interest in something or asked about something, his father and I will bend over backwards to do what we can to allow him to explore what he is interested in further dan we have always allowed him to move at whatever pace, concerning whatever skill he sets. I just wish that i could help him understand more.

Belle as Masterofnone said, it does get easier. Mr7 gets very frustrated with himself to the point of meltdown too.

When I'm not going mad (I feel your pain) humour has worked wonders for him (us). One example I can think of is when he's make a mistake and is on the downhill spiral, I rushed into a door way and pushed against the sides, looking up at the ceiling and calling 'Take cover, take cover!' It was enough to distract him into stopping and asking me why?
I told him he make a mistake so the roof must be about to fall in! We waited....and of course nothing happened. He had a giggle and just mentioning it a few times since has stopped him in his tracks. It also enabled us to have a few discussions about everything that could possibly happen to him because he made that mistake - the answer is usually not much!

Hang in there!

We also had problems with perfectionism but it was more of a problem with physical things and these problems were exacerbated by people who expected my son to be able to do physical things at a high level like his cousins, who went to the same school he went to for kindergarten and who were physically gifted and very talented in football which is what really counts as gifted in our small town. My son felt very different even from his own family. I think he was about seven when he first read about genetics and started asking me if he was a genetic mutation. He did not need adults to point out his differences when he already was self conscious about handwriting and drawing issues. He still remembers how he felt when a very strict Sunday school teacher made him feel bad in front of other kids about not doing something as fast and as neatly as the other kids. She was not the only one to do this. There was also the cub scout leader, the acting teacher, the gymnastics teacher and the swimming teacher. That was one of the things I found to be most upsetting and hard to deal with. My son needed encouragement instead of criticism and he reacted to criticism by becoming very reluctant to write or draw or do crafts or anything physical in front of other people. His piano teacher was the exception. She kept telling him he could do it and it was okay if he made a mistake, that it happens to everyone. She saw him on those bad days when sensory issues or anxiety or whatever distracted him, as well as those good days when he was able to perform well. She believed him when he told her he had practiced when he had those bad days and he was trying but he just couldn't perform as well as he should that particular day. It always really bothered him when he felt people didn't believe him.

While my son can spell very well orally and he spells very well when he types, he sometimes leaves out a letter when he writes words. It is hard for people to understand how a kid who learned thousands of words in preparation for a state spelling bee just a few years ago can misspell an easy word or not capitalize a word that he would capitalize if he were typing. It embarrasses him sometimes, but he can usually make a joke about it and move on now.

When he first started preparing for the spelling bee he found it helpful to use familiar tunes and sing the spelling of difficult words, but after a few months it was like he had somehow trained himself to notice the tricky parts in words. He could remember how to spell difficult words that were flashed on a screen.

At 11, my son is very aware of his strengths and weaknesses and he knows that he can do things well enough with enough practice even in his weakest areas. Success takes the sting out of knowing he is less adept at other things. He was very proud of himself when his very coordinated, former cheerleader sister listened to him play the very challenging song he has been working on for the recital and she told him he was better at piano than she was.

Belle - first of all, welcome! Your son sounds delightful, and I envy his ability to come up with a creative plan for overcoming his challenge areas and persuing it. That is a very mature quality which will keep him flourishing.

So - on to the fireworks:

You have to reach with in and decide what is your vision for parenting. Camp A believes that they feel what they feel, and one can't take it away, one can only nurture them while they cry, storm, and sweat their way through it. In this view, allowing him to express his emotions shows that you are a safe place, and that he is still hopefull enough to expect to burn through every bit of hopelessness he has. Luckily kids have rather less hopelessness than adults do, so they can heal after a few hours of kicking and screaming and be over it in a refreshed, confident state or a sound sleep. You the parent get to work on whatever emotions get kicked up while the child is releasing their Frustration, by journaling, or talking to a sympathetic friend. 'What does this remind you of?'

For more on Camp A see - Re-evaluation Counseling - Home PageRe-evaluation Counseling-a process whereby people of all ages and backgrounds can exchange effective help to free themselves from the effects of past distress experiences.

www.rc.org

Then there is Camp B - which says, 'Sure, everyone has feelings, and Gifted Kids have more intense feelings than anyone, but one needs to develop the strength to stop showing them, and put one's mind back in the present moment, which of course is a wonderful moment.' When parents help children develop the strength to turn away from the feelings of dissapontment and go on to the next moment, then the energy behind the feelings goes into the pride in one's strength. The child knows that they wish they had gotten it right the first time, and may feel what they feel on the inside, but they are mostly proud of themselves for their self-mastery. Camp B is closer to mainstream parenting in this way, but the methods to encourage it I think are best expressed here:http://www.energyparenting.com/products/item26.cfm
((If you buy the book, or sign up for the website, please put: Grinity as who refered you.))

Interestingly, I think that in 10 years, Camp A and B will be discovered to be two sides of the same coin. But for now you have recognized that your child doesn't really have a problem he makes mistakes and gets upset - no harm done. Your problem is to live throught the experience, an take action - IF - you believe action is needed. You are the expert on your soul and your child and your family. Pick a camp and enjoy the ride!

Love and More Love,
Grinity

You guys always ground me after "interesting" nights/moments with DS6. Thank you so much! I have always been SO open to him concerning expressing his feelings and emotions and have no issues with him being him....dear husband on the other hand is a hider and will keep things inside while I show everything on my sleeve and feel it is healthier to express them and that feelings are just part of life. My heart just aches to see DS6 so distraught and beat himself up so much for such little things (I know at the time, they are not little to him). I just get flustered trying to share the right choice of words that it is okay to make mistakes and that the world doesn't end when he does make a boo-boo.

We used to make jokes like Tory recommended and it did seem to lighten the mood and help him calm down the only catch is that the older he got, the more he would make comments like I "needed to stop being so ridiculous" when I did try to lighten it up....he has a wonderful habit of always thinking one step ahead of me......we do the wonderful count to 3 for behavior...gets 2 warning counts and then on the 3rd count he gets 6 minutes time out...it has really worked wonders on curbing some not so nice behaviors....but the catch is he quickly figured out that he can always get to 2 and then stop...so if he is feeling snarfy, he can continue doing whatever "wrong choice" action 2 times and then he can stop before he gets time out...instead of just stopping at count of 1 or not doing the action at all. Same thing with time out...time out is 6 minutes...it took us a few "duh" nights to figure out what he was up to...but right before bed, he would start doing his "snarfy" habits out of the blue and would end up going into time out...and he seemed HAPPY about it. Well come to find out....he was doing it on purpose to put off going to bed by 6 minutes. I confronted him about it and he looked at me and said, "geez mom, took you long enough to figure it out." Doh!

Thanks Grinity for the great info and links....I love our life with our little tornado child and wouldn't trade it for the world, just some days, I sure could use an extra caffeine boost or something!

Go Belle - Camp B has an interesting take on 'time out's - give them right away, for every little thing, with no warnings, but let them be very short, only seconds if the child 'settles down' right away. The balance is that there is tons of praise for every moment the child isn't breaking a rule, so you know that the child knows the rules because they are used to being recognized for being on the positive side of the rule line on a daily basis.

I think that as my son (age 13)ages I'm moving slowly from camp A to camp B, and yes, my DH is thrilled. But that might just be that as my son ages, his 'emotions' have that really mean and nasty edge more and more. As long as you are in Camp A, Mom-Maintence is really really important! The more you can listen without him pushing your old buttons the better - you were a sensitive child once, and somewhere, you probably remember what it was like. There are ways that you can learn to stay in the present with your DS's pain and not have to deal with the ways it echos in your past right at that same instant.

Here's to Mom-Maintence!
Grinity

I am in the thick of it now with my DD so I really do not know whether it gets better or not. I just try to take a step back when I get frustrated and understand my daughter more. I love the following quote. I read it often and to me it explains so much and helps explain to some degree where the meltdowns (and messes in house) are coming from. Good luck and hang in there!

"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.
To him...
a touch is a blow,
a sound is a noise,
a misfortune is a tragedy,
a joy is an ecstasy,
a friend is a lover,
a lover is a god,
and failure is death.
Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create - - - so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating." � Pearl Buck

This makes me cry every time I read it. It is such a perfect summation of my existence...

Wyldcat, I get teary on this one, too, not for myself, but my son seems to fit this, and Dh, too.

At least someone, somewhere got it.