Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Advice needed for routines and chores

Do your sons follow basic routines such as asking to be excused from the table, clearing their plate, and brushing their teeth? It feels like we have the same conversation each day. DS7 runs off from the table to go read/play, I ask him to come back and follow the routine (repeat several times for each step). I love that he reads and plays but I also need some help and I find myself in the classic pit of thinking, "if he's so smart why can't he..." Any suggestions?

My son is 3 and deliberately the opposite!
My DD7 does pretty good, she thrives on routine,
When I am having a problem I usually send them back for the redo and after they do correctly then I clap and say in my perkiest voice "yah! what a great job, I so proud of you!!" They usually remember better if I get silly and I usually get less aggrivated if I'm acting goofey!
Goodluck

Thanks. It's hard for me to understand why it's so hard for him when it seems like he needs consistency and routines. Thanks!

My DS7 similar needs routine but appears steadfastly untamed... I try to keep in mind how much he needs routine and structure, and apply it externally. I find I keep my expectations very minimal-- when he's finished eating he scrapes his plate and puts it in sink, at the end of the day he puts his own clothes in the hamper rather than on the floor-- but I have to tell him EVERY DAY.

I have a related question-- at what age should a parent stop cleaning a kid's room? I still clean up his room every day... because I know it helps him stay calm and more able to focus when the legos are organized, books are stacked, and the bedspread is smoothed. Otherwise I feel like he's overwhelmed by the combination of the mess outside and the mess inside!

My suggestion would be to have a family meeting and have him help to create the routine and to create a visual reminder of the steps of the routine (perhaps on a poster that is posted in his room or the bathroom). We had quite a bit of success with our son creating a visual reminder for the table - in the form of a card folded over to stand up on the table.

My DS6 earns computer time by completing his simple chores. He makes his bed, picks up his clothes and cleans off the table after dinner.

i have the same problem, my DS7 and DD5 seem to want nothing to do with any routine or structure. I've started to try to reign it in my starting very small,making it very simple, and using any cues possible other than verbally reminding them over and over, which i feel just annoys and frustrates everyone. I am actually a bit relieved to read your post and we're not alone. this gives me such concern. I feel my kids are just so untamed and willful, but when i try to demand structure i feel like i become a tyrant. We're trying out "caught being good" tokens - when they have 5 they get a reward- but not sure how its working yet.

Same problem here. One would think that every day was vastly different w/ regard to the mundane. We eat everyday, we bathe everyday, we do these ordinary things every.single.day, and yet every.single.day I find myself saying "Clear your plate", "take care of your dirty clothes", and so on and so forth. And each day, it's as if it's the first time he's heard me say it...ugh.

One day these things will become second-nature.....I hope.

I usually try to make my kids pick up their room every other day so it does not get too bad. I will also reward them if they do it with out asking.. which is rare.
I don't do it for them but I will help out sometimes to be nice

Practice Practice Practice. It takes time and effort to enforce good routines. We have certain things that are musts in our home. DS 7 and DD 10 make their beds, they set/clear the table, they clean the table and floor after meals etc. We started with a chart. It wasn't a crazy, anal retentive chart. It had about 5-6 things per day to do (things they should be doing anyway). We made a check when items were done. You could not do the next activity until what you were supposed to do was done. They got a small allowance based on the checks (turns out my children have no motivation in money so I just "bank" it for them).

You can't do their chores for them. You cannot enforce routine when you discourage it. After a week or so the list wasn't needed. They do what they need to do when they need to, with only a modicum of reminding. Reading books, watching intelligent shows etc is not excuse. They need to live in the real world and that means doing chores that aren't fun or convenient. Such is life!! Try taking away going to the library as punishment for not doing daily chores. You'll be amazed at their motivation!

Thank you! I am trying to help the kids practice their routines but some days it feels ridiculously frustrating. It's really helpful to know that I am not alone and should keep trying.

I realize my son (possibly both of them) is different from our friends' kids and that large parts of his day have been frustrating as he tries to figure out why others do not think like he does.

It's easy for me to think about how I can make changes when I'm not in the situation and DS7 will also come up with ideas. Unfortunately, nothing we've tried works for very long and we both end up very grumpy in the morning.

Any suggestions for how to add humor to our morning routine?

My first post was rushed and I wanted to elaborate. We used to take things away when my kids didn't do what they were supposed to. DS10 forgot the trash barrels? No TV. DS14 didn't clean the bathroom? No sleepovers etc. You get the idea.

Now the kids get up every morning with a clean slate. Over the course of the day they earn their rewards. Schholwork, chores etc give them access to what they want. If they make the choice not to do their chores, then there is no TV, or Computer or whatever. The difference is that it puts the choice in their hands. I don't nag or stomp or get frustrated anymore. The secret is is to use the thing they like best to inspire them to make the right choice. Even my 3 and 4 yo boys take their plates to the sink and put their clothes in the hamper.

It makes for self correcting behavior and even though the end result (ie no TV) is the same, in their minds it's not because one is controlled by you "mean mom won't let me watch TV". The other is controlled by their own personal choice "If I want to watch TV, I need to get this done".

It's amazing how well this works.

Re: Any suggestions for how to add humor to our morning routine? Volcano Mom

I am reading a very good book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk" buy A.Faber and E.Mazlish.
I have found some great tips in it for dealing with my DS who resembles all above.
I get very frustrated with repeating myself all the time and this book has helped.
Trying to get my DS to lift the seat when he goes to the bathroom has driven me mad! We've now got a little note on the toilet that says
"Lift the lid, lift the lid, before you do your wee. Otherwise your dear sweet mum will sit down in your pee. Eeew!".
He thinks it is hilarious and giggles everytime he sees it. (He also runs around the house singing it at top note (I'm hoping that will pass.)
I haven't said 'lift the seat' in over a week!!

I have10 year old twins girls who still do not understand the concept of shampooing their hair brushing their teeth and matching their clothing. Every day is like Groundhog Day in our house when it comes to personal hygiene. They cry when I ask them why they don't want to do these things on their own. I go to work early in the morning leaving the girls home with my husband. He doesn�t seem to care if they are wearing one purple sock and one green one or if they have a big old rats nest in the back of their head. He usually drops them off to the babysitters dressed in winter clothing on a hot summer day or with a milk mustache that has been there since breakfast. When I get home from work I have to pick them up at the babysitter�s house and I never know what condition they will be in. It is so frustrating to see my beautiful identical twin daughters who get straight A's in all subjects in school dressed and looking like crazy people. It was so nice when I was staying at home with them taking care of there needs and helping them take care of this. They will correct my bad spelling but I cant get them to brush their teeth >.<