Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion It's not fair!

This morning I was collared by another Mum (who has a very bright boy in my DS's year) and she certainly seemed to need to vent! She basically told me that she thought that it was unfair on the other children that my DS got to go for additional enrichment (he does Maths, English, Science and another language away from his class). She said that it may be above the other children's heads, but that her son noticed it. I really did not know how to respond other than saying that my DS needed it else there would be no point in him being at school (not the best answer I know, but I was caught off-guard and also a little flustered as we ran late this morning!). What is the best way of dealing with this sort of thing so that I don't mess up in the future? If any of you have any good suggestions I would love to hear them please...

My typical response is, "I think they decide these things on a case-by-case basis. If you think you son would benefit from extra challenge, you should ask about it!". Put the onus on the other mom to take action.

Hi Tiz,

I will pass along the advice that our school gave to us and our son during the grade acceleration process last year. They instructed our son to respond to the question of "Why were you allowed to skip a grade?" with the reply "That is what the school decided was best." Perhaps the same advice could be applied in your case? This makes the school the one that decides the issue. Let them deal with the other parents. Say that it is the school's job to decide what is best for each child, and that they must have arrived at this solution or plan after much careful review and research into the current educational advances. It is certainly easier than saying that your child needs it (which is true) but is subjective enough to allow the other parents to respond that their child needs it too.

You could always take the route of launching into a fascinating and very long-winded discourse of the current educational research until the poor soul's eyes glaze over. That sometimes works as well, depending on how well you know the person (or want to know them in the future!)

I haven't run into this as yet, but I'm going to keep this advice in mind... I like the "glazed over eyes" LOL

I thought Mia's response was good. I personally think this is a ridiculous argument and the parents could talk to a child about it in a positive way. It's probably the parents feeling slighted. Would they ask the same questions about a special ed or ELL child being pulled out of class? They are dealing with the needs of individual children in all cases. They should ask for additional services if they think their child needs more. At least your school has a history of accelerating.

So regardless what you answer, I would not feel bad about it at all! The other parent is the one with the "issue".

I agree with Mia. Who knows, maybe her kid does need extra challenge. I would simply tell her where to get started for testing (if that's how your DS started), or who she might talk to at school to see if her son is qualified.

You guys are all nicer than me. I would have told her that life is not fair and that the school is doing what it needs to do to further my son's education.
Yes we can place non GT children in the program, but at what point does dropping the bar become a hindrance to those who need it?

My ds8 got this question from at least one boy in his class, 'why are you in that class?' and so on.

My suggestion to ds was to tell the other boy to ask his own mom about applying for the program, which seemed like a good answer to ds.

The adult you were speaking too ought to have put her question differently, if that is what she had - questions. If she was just trying to tell you to stop sending your kid to the program..I too would not know what to say.

I tell my DD9 when asked why she goes to a different program one day a week to say "it is something that the school and my parents decided I should do".

Parents don't ask me much, but it has changed friendships.

I am trying to help our tiny school by reporting back to a handful of people about what they do in the gifted pull out program that the county provides, to help other families who ask about it. I am not sure that these people want this information, which is sad, because they should want to be informed. All schools have a wide variety of kids, why not learn about what to do for GT or HG kids who walk in the door?

Thanks for all the replies, there are some great suggestions. Yes, her son does have needs (although not as extreme as DS) and she did say that she had been offered for him to do some different work but that she refused as she doesn't think that it is fair on the other kids in the class. She said that he is leaving at the end of the year to go to a more academic school as this one can't cater. I don't know what to make of it as she said that he was offered the differentiated work and I know that the school are so supportive and really do try so hard to help each child achieve their best. I guess I was just surprised at the way she approached the subject and the fact that she seemed so annoyed about it all. I try to stay out of the way of other mothers generally, just making polite chit-chat and then moving swiftly on