Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Latrophobia

My son with motor dyspraxia and sensory issues deals with a slight fear of doctors and dentists. I share this fear, only mine is more extreme. He knows this because he sat next to me in the waiting room while I waited to have my first checkup in over six years and he saw me shaking uncontrollably, trying to hold back tears because I was terrified that they would find cancer and have to do surgery and I would end up with brain damage like my mother did after her surgery and my son would have to go to a bad public school because I wouldn't be able to homeschool and would need long term care which is very expensive so his dad couldn't afford to send him to college and I just go into all these scenarios like this to the point that my blood pressure goes sky high and I have to take medication. My son is nowhere near this phobic, but it is still a problem.

He has difficulty with things like the "puff" test when he sees the optometrist. It isn't that he refuses to do it, he explains to the person doing the test that he is very sensitive about some things and that he just needs a little extra time. This annoyed the person giving the test and she called over another woman who tried to bully him into trying harder by asking him if he is a baby or a man. He looked at her straight in the eye and smiled and said he would have to say he was somewhere in between. He has had experience with an adult teacher who was verbally abusive and learned early that the best way to deal with them is to speak calmly, look them straight in the eye with a slight smile if you can manage it, use "thought bubbles" in your head and fill them in with what you would really say if you could so that you can stay calm, and never, ever let them see you upset. I think he handles himself very well in these situations, but it makes me so mad that he has to deal with this. The optometrist overheard it and said he could use a different test on him. He was really good about taking the time to explain what he was doing and patiently answered my son's questions and even commented that my son was very observant.

But then we had to go back to the older, verbally bullying woman who had to put drops in my son's eyes to dilate them. My son asked questions about the necessity of the procedure and possible side effects, which annoyed the woman even more. She then told me that most 14 year olds wouldn't know some of the words he was using and she had never had one ask her the kind of questions he was asking. When I told her that he was 10, she expressed her opinion that it was not good for a child to know as much as he did. My son and I just exchanged knowing looks. We have had conversations in the past about some of the people in our small town having "comprehension" issues and we know that we are wasting our time if we try to talk to these people so we just have to let it go and move on.

Tomorrow we have to go the dentist and I worry that it will be a similar experience.

I have been trying to get an appointment with the developmental pediatrician so we can possibly get help for the phobias, a second opinion about the motor dyspraxia, and maybe get a referral for OT or PT, but the waiting list is very long and we will probably have to wait a few more months. I also need a doctor to write his opinion on what my son should be able to do and not do for Boy
Scouts next year. I don't know if my son will ever be able to do a 10 mile hike that I think is required. The scout leaders told us they can change the requirements if we can get a statement from the doctor.

Anybody else with this phobia or are we the only ones?

Lori- I always enjoy reading about your ds' ability to handle himself around adults, his process with the thought bubbles would be helpful for a lot of people, including adults!
Maybe even those same adults who can't spare 5 minutes to answer some questions to make someone more comfortable (even just a "kid").
Sorry to hear the dr's office is a source of anxiety, I don't have anything that severe but I do procrastinate way way too long between appts. for myself! A little fear, I find myself 'unable' to remember to make that appt.

Lori,

Your son's composure and presence of mind is admirable. I only wish most grown ups could handle situations like that with such grace.

OH Lori, I'm so sorry your son had to experience that woman. But he sure did handle himself well!!!!!

It's unfortunate that he has to deal with these things, but he did show incredible grace and maturity.

Would his regular pediatrician be able to provide the doctor's notice if you can't get it in time from the developmental pediatrician? It sounds like a good idea to get the dev. ped. evaluation. If he hasn't seen a neurologist that might also be a good idea. We found the neuro was better able to address muscular and motor issues than the developmental pediatrican was. It never hurts to make more than one appointment and to cancel later because as you said it can take some time to get in.

For the dentist, I'm wondering if there might be an option for him to stay with a friend while you go to the dentist alone and for someone else (a friend, a family member, a babysitter) to take him to the dentist. Anxiety really is contagious and it would be unfortunate for it to get worse for him. Another thought is that maybe one or both of you could benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy. Anxiety really is a treatable condition and the kind of process you are describing with escalating thoughts is something people can learn to become aware of and to at least some degree correct.

I think it would be appropriate to let the eye doctor know the technician was rude. They can't fix the problem if they don't know about it. Also, we've pretty good luck by being really upfront that the child tends to be anxious and we'd like them to go slowly and explain as they go.

Good luck!

Lori, I refuse to have the 'puff' test. It is noted on my chart and they don't even try. If there is no history of glaucoma in your family, he is very low risk. There are other ways of testing now, too. I'd allow him the voice to say "no" to that one.
Also, I think you should avoid having him accompany you on doctor visits that cause you so much stress. If you had coping skills that allowed you to keep the anxiety under control, that would be useful for him to see that in action. Oh, I just looked up and see passthepotatoes has the same thoughts, I agree with what she says.
Btw, I'm not kicking you for having those phobias. My kids were adults before they knew how much I avoided the dentist. My daughter is now a dental assistant, so I think it's wise to hide some things from the kids. Honesty should be upheld, but full disclosure is not always appropriate.

Sometimes there is no way to hide things from a child who is so perceptive that it almost seems he can read my mind.

We couldn't hide anything when my husband had cancer surgery and radiation treatment that caused my husband's face to look like he had been severely burned and the worst affected area would sometimes start bleeding for no reason. For five years, every time he would go in for a check up I couldn't hide the fact that I was terrified the cancer had come back. I have trouble getting that mental picture of my husband's radiation treatment out of my mind when I am screened for cancer.

I can't shield my son from the awful reality of what happened to my mother and how she went into surgery and came out with her hernia fixed but with extreme memory loss and dementia that has progressed now to the point that she doesn't remember me or her husband and needs 24 hour care. We live next door to her. We take care of her when my dad has to leave for any reason. A nursing home would cost $4,000 a month and my dad lost a lot of money he had saved. In real life people find a way to do what they have to do. I think my son is learning some difficult life lessons from all of this, more than the average homeschooled kid has to learn.

My dad and I both go online looking for answers because we don't completely trust doctors any more after what happened to my mother. My dad asked his doctor for a test that he read about online. The doctor hadn't suggested it at his regular checkup. The test showed a problem and he had to have immediate surgery to put in a stent. So my son has heard us talk about the need for educating ourselves so we can ask the right questions and hopefully get appropriate medical care.

I couldn't shield my son from the fact that doctors could not help my mother or stop the anxiety that caused her to pull almost all of her hair out or other behaviors that I had never seen anyone else have. When you are very sensitive and have a problem with automatically imagining what a person in pain is feeling and that person is your mother, it causes a great deal of anxiety. I could not hide it from my son. There was nothing we could do and that is a horrible feeling. I couldn't shield him from the fact that relatives stopped coming over to visit as often because they found it so difficult to see my mother but my young son had to deal with it. He not only did it but he always spoke to her with kindness and compassion and respect and he was able to make her laugh sometimes and distract her from her anxiety for a short time. It was wonderful to see her laugh even if just for a few seconds.

I can't shield my son from the fact that my mother is in the last stage of this horrible thing and there is a possibility she could just pass away at home and I know my dad will have a very hard time with this. It is hard to see my dad look like he is going to cry when we talk about the inevitable. I can keep it together when I am at my parents' house but the minute I get home I am worn out and sad. I am not a very good actor. My son tries extra hard to distract me and make me laugh at these times and I tell him all the time how much that means to me.

I couldn't shield my son from my uncle's comments recently when he finally came to visit and saw her do things that he should not have told us about, that we didn't need to know because we see enough of it already and it is disrespectful. I said something to my uncle about it and he told me it was a "fact of life" and it was okay to talk about it even in front of my 10 year old.

When my aunt visited, she talked about how she used to work at a hospital and she knew of doctors that were not very good, that would perform medical procedures for the money instead of the well-being of their patients. How do do you if you have a good doctor if you have to go to a military clinic and you see different doctors each time and sometimes you can't understand them because they are from a different country and their English is hard to understand.

My son has seen way to many of these "facts of life" and when I see people who don't know my son give him a hard time for his sensitivities and motor disability I just get very angry and I know I will just have to find a way to accept it. My son does. My husband even says that our son handles things better than I do. My son read psychology and sociology books in his quest to understand what was going on around him. He doesn't even think bullies are totally bad people. He tries to imagine what happened in their lives to cause them to behave the way they do.

My blood pressure is going up just trying to get an appointment with the developmental pediatrician. They say they still haven't received the referral, our insurance people say they already faxed it three times. We checked fax numbers and I can't figure out what the problem is. They also want my son's primary care physician (pediatrician) to fill out another form before they can make the appointment and she is out for two weeks and nobody else can do it. Every time I think we are getting close to getting an appointment, they ask for something else. It has only been two months now, maybe in a couple of months we can finally get an appointment.

The regular pediatrician doesn't seem to know very much about motor dyspraxia and hypotonia so she can't help us and like my son says, she gives us the same "cliche advice" meant for average kids and he is not the average kid. We might be able to get a referral for a neurologist if the developmental pediatrician recommends it--if my son ever gets to see him. I am hoping this developmental pediatrician at a university child study center will know more about motor dyspraxia and sensory issues and hypotonia and be a little more helpful than other doctors we have seen.

If I could just find answers, and feel like we there is help available when we need it without waiting for months, and get some kind of assurance that the doctors we see are well trained and experienced, then I would have less anxiety. I don't know how they would be able to treat this kind of anxiety without giving me help for the problems that are causing it.

Hi Lori, I don't have anything to add except hang in there - you are really being faced with lots of challenges! Sending hugs your way

XX Tiz