Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Touchy subject

I would like to solicit opinions of this forum regarding a possibly touchy issue.

A six year old child who we care for has just been grade advanced from 1st to 2nd grade. He learned to read at three and does so very well. I know that a one grade skip (especially 1st to 2nd) will not be a tremendous challenge for him and was needed. His parents were unsuccessful in their efforts to early entrance him to K and we are glad that he will be closer to his challenge level now.

Here�s where our concern lies. We sent an immediate congratulations via third party telephone (news was shared to third party in our presence), although we didn�t consider it an �accomplishment� other than for advocacy. That is, until we received an invitation to his �1st grade graduation party� which was held this past weekend.

We were relived in this instance that we are geographically unavailable because my husband and I both disagree with making a really big deal for finishing K, participating on a sports team, or even EVERY birthday, much less being placed appropriately in school. We believe many kids and adults have inflated self concepts and expect accolades for everything they do. Some even become resentful if their employers or instructors don�t treat them as if they are the center of the universe, as their parents had. This is pretty widely observed with others we speak with regarding the young adults entering the work force around here.

My greatest concern for this particular child is that I believe that a party complete with cake, gifts and checks for an �accomplishment� that was achieved without much, if any, effort could impede the development of intrinsic motivation. Our own children have yet to have a graduation of any kind, although my daughter will experience it this year as she leaves their K-8th school. BTW, I am not adverse to an 8th grade graduation event as it is at least a �milestone�.

Are we just uptight about these issues? How did you transition your child for a grade advance?

Hi Delbows,
It turns out that this weekend was DS11's one year anniversary of his mid-year gradeskip. We tryed to keep things as low-key as possible, but mid-year skips are a big deal to the kid. Let's compare it to starting at a new school mid-year. I think most people would agree that entering a new classroom mid-year is a lot for a kid to handle.

Kids seems to be very "grade=value" orriented. I don't think it's a coincidence that both chicken eggs and school children are graded and assigned grades. My son felt during his subject acceleration experiences that the older grade kids would resent a "little kid" getting the pearks that they had to earn by waiting. Also some kids seem to consider doing what no other kid is doing as social poison. So "going against the tide" is an accomplishment.


In our situation, it was the first time that DS had been challenged intellectually (in contrast to memorizing math facts or handwriting) or been surrounded by kids who outshine him, so one year later, I felt comfortable to mention it a few times and verbal praise him. No we didn't have a party or give a physical gift, and yes, I worry about his generation, but I don't think you are going to solve this problem at this time.

Bottom Line - Rituals are important. Kids need them. Even the most intellectually advanced seem to me to also have a "kid brain" that opperates very concretely.

Suggestion: (Humor Alert) Send them a Dr. Sylvia Rimm parenting book in honor of his "graduation." You can get Amazon to mail it directly to their house.

Big Smile,
Trinity

Alright, so we ARE uptight about this issue!

Dottie,
I think the root beer float party was a delightful gesture on the part of your son�s former teacher! That strikes me as more of a �farewell and good luck� party rather than a �congratulations on your accomplishment� celebration. Perhaps I am splitting hairs!

My daughter�s 2nd grade class made cards for her before she left the school to transition to 3rd grade at the private school. It was good to know that although my husband and I had disagreement with the school administrators, there was no animosity directed towards her by the teacher or her peers.

Trinity,
Please send our (this forum�s) congratulations for your DS�s one year anniversary since his grade advance! He has faced fears and challenges and has now successfully integrated into his new peer group! That was no easy task, especially considering the lack of challenge he had experienced for so long, as well as, a transition from a public school to a preparatory school while skipping a higher grade!

I have to agree that it doesn't seem out of line to have some *private* acknowledgement of the transition. Rituals matter. But a party with cake and gifts is WAY over the top. I, too, would find a reason to beg out of that! So no, I don't think you're uptight about it. I would be, too.

Hey, I trimmed my nails this weekend. Can I get checks and gifts for that, too? I did it all by myself, even!

Ugh.

Of course, we never got on the birthday party express, so I may not be the one to ask.

Our kids' birthdays are 4 days apart, so we use the date as our annual party for everyone we know...but that means it's mostly for the adults. We provide the main dish and have a pitch-in for the side dishes. (We've found that people who bring nothing to a party regularly ignore our "no gift" policy, but the pitch-in theme means that they're okay with not bringing gifts.) We provide wine and beer for the adults, and we get a babysitter to keep an eye on the kids so that the adults can relax and enjoy themselves, but we don't allow "drop-offs." It's not a kids' party; it's a family party. The adults chat, the kids run around the yard and eat birthday cake, and everyone has a blast. Oh, and no goodie bags at the end. I hate those things.

It's worked way better for us and our guests than the bouncy castle/magic show/pony ride birthday extravaganzas that people seem to throw these days. For whatever that's worth...

Dina - On behalf of my son, I accept and thank you for your congradulations.

DS and I have long talks about "Generation Y" and their troubles, and we agree with you in Principle that this next generation has some challenges to face. I'm looking for big ideas about what to do about this.

Interestingly, we have some friends who accuse us of "making too big a deal about the gifted thing, and at first, found the gradeskip as the ultimate in 'my kid is special' parenting" but lately they are saying that they see a positive difference, and that he seems much happier and more mature. Yippee!

The lovefest started when they made a derogitory comment like: "Unlike you, we don't think it's so great to have our child be always the top of their class." ((At least it was out of the kids' earshot.))

Which allowed me to say, loudly: "I couldn't agree with you more. That's what's so great about his current situation! And we are blessed to be in a year of kids that is unusually able, with a high percentage of red-shirted kids who are older, and wonderful compainions for DS. I'm so pleased with his school - challenging and flexable!"
After that we got the big compliments. Weird, but I'll take it!

There is lots of worry, and reason to worry, just no clear sign yet of what to do, beyond our own children, and the folks who look to us for advice. As we go, we get better at talking about what our intentions are, and it's easier for folks around us to see what we are up to. I don't want the baby (good school placement) to get thrown out with the bathwater (kids who think they are special.)

Smiles,
Trinity

I want to go to Kriston�s party also!

We have done the same type of party in the past for a combined birthday, although, I must confess that we DID have the bouncing castle in the backyard!

We only do an event party every three years or so. Last year, my son had a laser tag party with twelve guests. He requested donations to provide a scholarship for a Guatemalan child in lieu of gifts for himself. This year he had a family celebration including dinner out followed by cake and gifts at home.

My daughter, who had gone camping with her GS troop over her two previous birthdays, just turned 13. We had the family party, but she is also planning a dance party at a rented hall for a combined party with two friends. Our rules require that she/they invite 50% or less OR 100% of their classmates. I would also imagine that they will request �no gifts� or some kind of donation (maybe for the food pantry) rather than gifts.

Talk about off topic, but my DS has always yearnd to be paid off for grades. Actually he hasn't said anything about it since the switch. I almost will be tempted next time he brings it up, as what keeps the As away is the organizational work - like turning in his homework. Well, lets see how the first trimester goes, but "pitch now" as I know that I will be tempted for the first time ever.

As for Moonbounce parties, I'm sure that some of us here do that, and I think that making an attempt to fit in to your surroundings is a good thing, for both kids and parents. Some of us get to choose our surroundings, and some of us don't. Again, I want to caution people against getting hung up on the logical conclusions and not fighting against the root of the problem. In other words, rent your kid a moonbounce for their birthday if that's what your neighbors do, but try to look at the forces that are making Americans so flashy and so worried at the same time.

((shrug))
Trinity

Smiles,
Trinity

DS didn't transition his grade skip mid-year. In fact, he didn't realize he skipped at all. He thought he was being held back. LOL

Background: Small private school for K5. The teacher had K5 and 1st in one classroom, so she gave DS first grade work when he was in K5. The fit was horrible and we pulled him mid-year to homeschool. Took 4 weeks to cover 2nd grade and we got scared enough to hire a private tutor who did 3rd grade in a couple of months and then started 4th. When school started in the fall and they accepted him into 2nd, he thought he had done something wrong....

Anyway - he realizes he is a year younger than the other kids, but has never really caught on why, I think. So much for being smart, huh?

As for the discussion of birthday parties.... we did that for each kid one year on their request. The deal was, the party was their present - no other presents from Mom and Dad. (Although they got other presents from the guests, they weren't as appropriate or enjoyable as Mom and Dad would have gotten them.)

Last year, we opted for family trips to celebrate birthdays. The kids enjoyed that more than school friend parties.

Who knows what this year will bring....

Mary

It's true, I'm born about a month after the cut off, and my parents didn't want me to know I was different. ((OK, we can laugh now, at least they sent me))

So they told me that with my new baby brothers that Mom needed fewer kids around the house, and that "girls are more mature" besides.

I was explaining all this to my DS last year, and I suddenly realized that I was just plain early enteranced. So I got both ends, on one hand I was still bored out of my mind, and on the other I was very dissapointed that my handwriting was so far behind the other girls. I'd like to think that if they had been more upfront it would have been easier on me, but no one ever seems to notice from then on.

((shrug))
Trinity

I have been accused of being unsentimental and would be fine to not make a big deal out of many events/Hallmark holidays. I can barely to remember to put tooth fairy money under the pillow (in fact, the tooth fairy has been sick or delayed a few times). My husband is much more attentive to these things. Neither of us have make a big deal of the grade-skips. I was tempted to recompense for A's, but my husband immediately stopped that idea with, "We don't reward them for something we expect of them." Similarly we don't pay allowance for chores but do pay them for things that are above/beyond (lawn mowing, shoe polishing, silver polish, special cleaning project, car wash, etc.--that I'd otherwise pay someone to do). The kids have had family birthday celebrations (dinner with grandparents, cake, and a few gifts) most years, with an occasional party inviting outsiders bowling or swimming. This is pretty reasonable since they're all summer birthdays and their school friends are usually out-of-sight at birthday time. I have to say I've disdained people for being too elaborate with birthday celebrations for kids...but I admire creativity. The limo ride for 10 yr old girls in ball gowns was too much for me, but I loved the well-thought out scavenger hunt one mom planned.

I definitely wish I were more creative and celebratory with house decorations to match the seasons, festive treats and dinners for the kids to remember "what we always ate on Easter", and establishing many traditions. Part of me rebels against traditions, always wanting something new and different (enchiladas on Christmas Eve last year). My husband's family always listens to a tape of a short story every Christmas Eve and I feel like I'm going to explode if I'm ever subjected to it again...I hate it, over and over and over. Not to mention it's a horrible recording, painful to listen to because of the static, and a rather dull story. I'd rather have new stories read each year or no stories and just great conversation. Finally (after about 13-14 yrs) I told my husband that I couldn't stand that "tradition" and wanted to change it--he pouted but complied.

Anyway, I don't know how I got onto all that, but I guess different people celebrate different things in different ways. I wouldn't presume to tell someone the "right" way, but I can say I wouldn't celebrate a grade skip...but that's just me.