Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Need advice. Stuck and hesitant to grade skip.

Ds's 1st grade teacher is either clueless or just overwhelmed this year. She isn't differentiatiing at all. I miss the Substitue (is that bad?). My dilemna is that I think DS is happy. He doesn't have to be challenged at all. So it has become all about the social aspect of school and playing with his classmates. Since dh and I feel school is about academics and social aspects we have up until now been letting things play out.

I have recently started seeing some resitance and fustration at figuring things out at home. For example if it is a little challenging he will ask someone else to tell him the answer. He doesn't want to think it through. The other day he was asking what state's bordered the state of Georgia and before he even asked he said "Mom I don't know the answer okay. So just tell me". After he asked I told him to get his globe and we would find it. "I don't want to do that just tell me". Another example: he was writing something the other day and brought me a piece of paper and asked me to spell Transformers. I asked him to help me sound it out (he reads on a 4th grade level). "No mom just write it". Then got fustrated and yelled at me when I wouldn't just write it.

I am torn on what to do. The teacher isn't going to accommodate his academic needs what so ever. Dh is beginning to lose his patience and wants something done now. But what can be done for this year if the teacher won't make the necessary accommodations? What would your do?

Our principal is very open to the idea of a grade skip. I ran into her yesterday after volunteering and asked what was needed for a grade skip if dh and I felt it was necessary. Ds would need to pass the end of the year 2nd grade exam and then it would go to committee. When we had talked earlier if a grade skip was necessary I mentioned we would prefer it be over the summer. To be honest I was hoping to avoid a grade skip. He fits in socially with his peers and genuinely likes learning at his own pace. His birthday is in February so he is one of the older kids on the spectrum of class ages and he is tall for his age so if skipped it wouldn't be that big of an age gap. But he is involved with sports which goes stricly by age level so I am not sure where that fits into my thinking.

I am stuck on the best thing to do. Any advice?

we too saw this behavior at our house, and it wasn't pretty. Our local school wasn't open to the skip, so we had to pay the big bucks for a private school, where I hoped that we wouldn't need to gradeskip. I was wrong - gradeskip still needed, but thankfully for us, the private school recognised this and provided the skip. Now we are back in public school, plus one year, on top of a summer birthday. The fit is 'good enough' and instead of this obnoxious behavior, we have DS solving Rubix cubes, and learning to play chess well, and plowing through his homework. He did suffer friendship interruptions with switching schools, but now is really really happy socially. He still enjoys doing agemate things with agemates who were his friends before this all started.

Some teachers will differentiate and some won't. That's the reality. Your son has many many years of school ahead of him, and I think it's in his best interest if you face up to that reality NOW. If a gradeskip is needed, I think that socially it's easier sooner than later. I don't think time of year really matters unless you are in such a large school system that there is a chance folks won't 'realize.' That seems unlikely to me. I guess you could as for your son to be transfered to a different 1st grade teacher who will differentiate.

I would reccomend you start the testing NOW. You don't have to take the gradeskip after you see the results, but just having the testing will get him out of the classroom for a few hours and give him something interesting to do, yes?

It's great that he plays sports that are age-based, because that will help him keep in touch with his agemate friends. In our town, a lot of the most talented child athletes actually 'play up' and go with older kids if they are particularly good. If you are concerned that he will have one set of friends in school, and a different set in sports, perhaps there will be an opportunity for him to 'play up' as well.

To be honest, I think that if you keep things as they are now, you are saying 'We don't actually care about academics, we ONLY care about your friendships.' In other words - take the gradeskip or homeschool or switch schools.

One interesting idea I've been mulling over, is that I recently heard that a lot of kids who enter the fancier private high schools end up repeating 9th grade, so if you want to 'slow down' later, that is a way that would seem 'normal and natural.'

You must have good reasons to be feeling negative about the gradeskip. What are they?

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Hi xoxosmom, I can really sympathise with you. We were recently considering a gradeskip for our DS6, but have decided to delay it for now and try an improved "differentiation" (he gets to do English, Maths and Science one on one with a teacher and is doing an additional language) - not sure if it is going to work out yet but it looks promising. I was put off the grade skip as for it to improve my son's position it would need to be a skip of at least two years. I was worried about the sports (he enjoys his sport for now and I didn't think that he would be able to compete against bigger boys) and also how he would cope as he is quite sensitive. Saying that, if it had been a one year skip, I think that DH and I would have gone for it.

I can understand your reluctance, but encourage you to discuss your concerns because there are so many knowledgeable people on this forum and they will be able to let you know their experiences. I was encouraged to hear about so many people having positive grade skip experiences - you only get to hear about the bad in the media!

Not sure if my rambling helps much, but just to say that I know where you are coming from - also every family is unique and has different things that they need to consider.

xx

I have been pondering my feelings about a grade skip since the beginning of 1st grade. While I am unsure of the unkown and the immediate effects it would have on our ds at the moment I still think it would be beneficial. So my next rambling paragraph is going to sound inconsistant.

I know this sound's illogical but he is one of my babies. If grade skipped he will be graduating high school sooner and will be going to college a year earlier. Will he be able to handle the stress of college and be mature enough to handle all that college entails? What about high school? All his classmates will be a year older than him. Therefore have a year more of experiences, peer pressures, and driving before him. Will girls in his graduating class not want to date him cause he is younger?

I know I sound like a mother hen and that I am putting alot of importance on the social aspect. But in day to day living it is important that you have good self esteem and feel you fit in. It is important to know how to deal with the person that bullies you and how to make compromises with freinds and family. Life is about so much more then academics you also have to navigate through it.

Maybe I am still in denial. Thank you for responding Grinity and Tiz. There isn't any harm in asking for the exam and talking things over with the committee. You all will hold my hand though right. I am bound to get cold feet again.

Oh! XoXoMom!
It's so normal to not want to hurry them out of the house! But you really don't have to have him graduate high school sooner or go off to college sooner - particularly if he isn't ready. Look for 'Gap Year' programs. Of course, if you haven't yet parented teenagers, you may not realize that when they get smelly and hairy and start looming over you leaving the nest suddenly starts looking more appealing I ever imagined it could. Ok kidding aside, my guess is that when he's ready, the part of you that loves unselfishly will be ready too. As for the other part of you - oh well - since when was parenting about gratifying that?

DS12 (8th grade big shot) wanted me to point out that 'if he finds a person that's worth being with, then an age difference of 6 months to a year won't make a difference.'

And of course, once kids get to high school, I believe that it is customary for boys to date girls from younger grades.

Weirdly enough, many of our kids are 'just' ahead academically. they are ahead in other needs also, perhaps also need for independence.

I'm not saying to disregard the social side of life, just that skipping may be the best way for 'all' of your son to blossom.

Smiles,
Grins

We're all here for you, that is what is so great about this forum. You are right, there is no harm asking for the exam and talking things over with the committee. If you do go ahead a lot of people suggest a "trial" so that if your DS isn't happy he can return to where he was with minimal fuss. It sounds like he is very sociable and should adjust very easily. Let us know how things go.

xx

Thanks again for responding. I just reread my posts sorry about the spelling mistakes.

Things just got trickier and explains my reluctance to grade skip to 3rd grade. I just gave ds a 2nd grade end of the year math exam that I found online. He is missing some pretty key math components. He really struggled with the three digit addition and subtraction. He had never seen greater/less than so I turned the test over and quickly went over it and he understood the concept right away. It became pretty apparent to me that if I am going to ask for the exam I am going to have to teach him at home. Is that fair?

I almost want to ask for a immediate grade skip to second grade(having him take the end of the year 1st grade exam and going to committee of course) or we let him continue to sit in first grade waiting for the curriculum to catch up (feels wrong to me).

I am stuck again.

Well, if you're looking to make the skip over the summer, you have a few more months before he'd have to take the exam, assuming they'd do it not long before the end of the school year. I don't see anything wrong with teaching him a few math concepts that he hasn't been exposed to yet, if he's interested. That's one aspect that has always troubled me - how a person, no matter how gifted, could have an achievement level that included things they had never had the opportunity to learn about. If there hasn't been an opportunity at school, then there would need to be an opportunity at home.

I have no advice on acceleration but I'd love the link to the math exam you found!

I agree. That's the "good" kind of hothousing that can be used to get a kid into a proper school placement.

As long as you're not pushing a kid for wrong reasons, but just to be sure there aren't big gaps that will keep him out of a good academic fit, then go for it! Teach away!

Oh! This is such a hard choice and then of course which ever way you go your going to second guess yourself.......

All I can say is go with your gut......

We were in a similar position as you a year ago, except DS(now 6y9m)was in K. He was happy with age-peers and also involved in sports but he didn't see school as a place to learn. He was becoming content with just the social aspects. My advice would be to not worry about making a decision until you get your hands on as much information as you can - read A Nation Deceived, give your son the Iowa Acceleration Scale and read the manual, listen to the pros and cons of grade skips by experts and people who have done it. Keep your options open by preparing DS for the end of year test. *Then* go with your gut feeling .

In the end, my DS skipped 1st grade based on my gut feeling (after obsessively seeking out information . It's still easy for him, but at least he's now challenged in some areas like writing. I have no regrets. The skip was fairly seamless. There was no teasing. The only negative so far is that there are some kids who are in cliques that are hard for him to break into, but he doesn't care *that* much about it. Plus, this may have happened without a skip.

You need to look at the requirements within your district if you are considering a grade skip. In our district a student is required to pass the reading, math, science and social studies credit by exam tests with at least an 85%. Most advanced students do not have problems with the reading and math but the social studies and science test can hold them back simply because they may not have been exposed to the material. In this circumstance, it may be necessary to teach some of the material at home before taking the test.

Don't you wish someone had given you a crystal ball when you became a mom so you could see the future? It's so hard to make some of these decisions!
I have four kids, at least 3 of whom are gifted. They are VERY different. What has worked for one has been disastrous for another, so my best advice is to really trust yourself as a mom that you know your child best. Use that to make your decision. It sounds like you already know that if your child doesn't learn to move through challenges and develop problem-solving skills now, it will only be more frustrating and damaging to his self-esteem later.
We decided to move our second child ahead after first grade. I wish we had done it sooner. We used an evaluation process called the Iowa Acceleration Scale, which was fantastic. It uses a lot of different information, including IQ tests, academic performance tests, teacher input, family interviews, etc. to help make a decision about acceleration. It can help families and schools decide what level of acceleration is appropriate for the child (grade level, subject level, etc.) It really helped us because it took some of the stress off of us as parents. We weren't just saying, "Hey, we think our kid is really smart." The total evaluation was saying, "Hey, this kid is able to function way beyond his grade peers and needs intervention. These are the things that would be appropriate." The IAS also provides planning for follow-up to see if the decisions that were made are working.
Our son is now in fourth grade and he's doing pretty well. He is still above grade level in a lot of areas, but is more challenged than he was. He's made friends and our G/T teacher is working with him on social issues. He does sports and, while he isn't the best on his team, he is also not the worst. Overall, acceleration has been a good decision for our son.
Best of luck to you!