Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Professional help?

Hi all, and thanks so much for support given in another thread. Thought I'd better start a new one - have hijacked enough.

Tonight has been awful. When I collected DS6 outside the classroom after school he said his first day had been 'great'. But he didn't smile, or chat, or skip. He had lots of star stickers for being so well behaved in class. So then we were playing cricket in the backyard and he got crabby with DS4 who can't throw quite far enough, and under his breath called him a f-head - too low for DS4 to hear, but loud enough for me. I called him on it, then an almost instant deterioration into a swearing, biting, kicking monster. It lasted about half an hour and then he fell apart into sobs. I asked him if he knew why he felt angry but he just said no and cried more, and hugged me tighter. This is not my child. My child is happy, outgoing, inquisitive. Before the episode last July he had never hit us, called us names, thrown things etc. How does this happen to a six-year-old boy?

I still think this is *probably* school - he has only ever been like this for six or so weeks at the start of second semester of Prep (k), and then five months later it begins again a few weeks before grade one starts. But I'm not sure, and I'm so afraid of exploring this with him and planting seeds in case I'm wrong and do more damage. So I'm wondering if we should talk to a specialist psychiatrist, but cringe at the thought - I can't shake the feeling that it implies something is wrong with my child, and I don't want him to feel that way. Has anyone done this successfully, and come away with child feeling better with no sense of being weird?

Not that I think us seeing someone would solve the basic issue, but I feel so out of my depth. Perhaps I would at least feel more confident about knowing what that basic issue is.

And I can't see any alternative school options for us at the moment - the GT school that could have taken him has no chance of finding a place for DS4 this year, or possibly even next - they're seriously overbooked. Other schools that I've heard positive rumours about are full. And I just can't afford to give up work to home school, though think he'd hate the idea anyway. I'll look more into school options as a priority - but I don't want to go from bad to worse in desperation. And of course, suppose I'm wrong.

I probably shouldn't post when I'm upset and it's past my bedtime - too much overemotional disarray and too little clear thinking. But any thoughts about psychiatrists/psychologists would be appreciated.

My heart really goes out to you! We were in that position last year in Kindergarten with my DSthen6. He was just *angry* at home, at school he was fine. It was very confusing and frustrating because we felt so stuck and the school refused any changes for a K'er.

I think I understood more what a caged animal felt like in that 3 months when we were fighting with the school than I ever have before. Because DS *was* a caged animal, he paced at school, biding his time, and then he lashed out at us for putting him back in the cage over and over.

I also seriously considered professional help, but once we pulled DS from school the behaviors disappeared. If moving him immediately hadn't been an option, I wouldn't have hesitated to find a psychologist who is understanding of GT kids.

((HUGS)), it's such a horrible situation to be in. I still have quite a bit of anger towards the school and we've been gone a year.

Ditto! DS7 was an angry, emotional mess last year when he was inappropriately placed at school last year--age 6... See a pattern forming?

I knew it was school, not some other emotional issue, because his behavior was SO out of character for him, and it started on the first day of school, not before. Plus he has always been both very verbal and very in touch with his emotions, so he told me what was upsetting him. In that regard, I had it easy. No guesswork.

And like mamaandmore's son, our DS's behavior returned to sunny, happy normal the second we pulled him out of that bad-fit classroom for "emergency homeschooling." Instant improvement!

Seeing a therapist could perhaps help him deal with his feelings of frustration and anger, but my first choice would be to resolve the school fit issue. It sounds to me like he's behaving perfectly normally (albeit inappropriately) for a 6yo in that situation.

You don't necessarily have to try other educational options to correct what's bothering him, though homeschooling did cure the problem instantly for us. If a major change to homeschooling or a better classroom is not in the cards for your family, then you'll have to work with this school and this teacher to make things better. Time to roll up those sleeves!

What sort of accomodations is he getting at school and what's working/not working there? Have you asked him when he feels most frustrated? What are his strengths and how is the school letting him use those strengths/holding him back?

If he is staying in the same basic situation that is causing the problems, then counseling might be a good idea even as you work to improve his school fit. It's unusual for any school to fix things overnight, and he's going to need some help to handle his overwhelming emotions. Any tools you can give him will be good for him.

I'm sorry! I have firsthand experience with this problem, so I know how hard this is on you! Hang in there, and do what you can to make things better.

Oh, and downtime immediately after school can help so that he has time to decompress, as well as afterschooling to give him a challenge. Strenuous exercise is a good stress reliever, too, and he needs some stress relief.

Best wishes!

The same here, except that DS was 5 at that time. He was in Montessori and even though he was doing things above K and was there only 1/2 day it wasn't enough. His biggest meltdown was 2 weeks before he asked to be homeschooled. Things did get better he got more challenged but it still wasn't enough.
We are hs now and he is a happy kid this year.


Look at the cage first only then try to change the animal.

So today I talk to DS6's teachers after school, explaining that we've had a terrible meltdown and asking if anything happened in class yesterday (they have, of course, *heard about me*). They are concerned, but can't think of anything and so call over DS6 to ask him. Instantly and with perfect equanimity he says that some big kids were being rough at lunch time. And off he goes. If only I'd tried harder perhaps I could have managed to look even more foolish. I am going down the road to insanity and my children are driving the courtesy pick-up bus. And we're out of tonic. Is it a good sign that I'm not prepared to drink my gin straight?

On the more positive side I found a couple of useful articles on SENG - one particularly sounded very like our boy (and me, the 'carrier'), although I'm wary about possible implied justification. And I called the school district to ask their advice re schools that could offer grouping - a hard call as policy is officially against this - complete integration is the current flavour. But the district GT coordinators sounded sympathetic, and will discuss and call back.

The school is not offering much of anything at the moment - all grade one and two students are in fairly amorphous groups being rotated among the teachers until next week, when numbers are officially known and classes will be allocated. Today they learned about the letter S, and DS6 got more stars for good behaviour. DH suggested that he take his collection of baby teeth and his souvenir tick in for show and tell tomorrow as they might be lucky enough to learn about the letter T. DS didn't think that was funny.

More physical aggression tonight - because DH was doing the book-reading, not me. I'll start researching the aforementioned professional help, but hold off actually making an appointment until after classes have settled. One lives in hope.

There's a chance I could have a reasonably happy life in a nice quiet asylum somewhere in the country.

and p.s. - thanks so much again for the support and shared stories - it really helps.

When it comes to dealing with tough parenting times, I like these folks:
www.handinhandparenting.org/
The Audio program in particular has been a mainstay.

who are an offshoot of http://www.rc.org

also wonderful, and more likely to be local to you. These people definitly account for my current sanity.

I don't think that you looked foolish during the teacher/kid/you scene. What's great is that after all the fireworks at home, DS was able to talk about the lunch time.

This isn't to say that his basic problems ISN'T poor academic fit at school. After expending all his coping pennies 'being good' during the classroom experience, any bit of pretext (rough big boys) was a chance for him to 'get mad/let the feeling bubble up.' It could just as easily have been you giving him a broken cookie that set him off, but the fuel for this fire builds up all day long. How do I know? I'm going on the assumption that that's what would happen to 90% of humans in his situation. It would happen to me!

(you knew that - right?) Don't try to get the teachers to agree with that one though.

Is it too late to get him into the gifted school? What if you call them and set up a meeting where you cried? (to try to get them to take DS4) The big question is 'What kind of behavior would you have to see before you decided to take major action?'

My goal is that things should have to get as bad for your DS as I let them get for my DS - and that the remidy for you won't be as expensive as the remidy was for me ( PM me to see how much I spent on two years of private school!) I may have crossed the line of bossiness here, but I would need Professional Help if it seemed like a good idea to sit quietly while you walk down a road that seems so familiar to the one we walked down. Leave Now while his behavior is good. You DON't want to do as I did and wait for 'I'm OK,You're NOT OK' behavior! Of course every situation is different and personality plays so much of a role, but....

No matter if you agree with me or not - keep posting - we want to support you and your family. And we want to know how it turns out. We care!

Love and More Love,
Grinity

I haven't done this yet, but it's one of the reasons I'm planning to test DD's with a psychologist who specializes in the social and emotional needs of gifted children. I'm hoping to establish a relationship while they're young, so there's less of a sense of it being weird if we need help down the road.

Children get a large part of their cues about what's weird and not weird from their parents. I'm hoping that talking to DD's about the psychologist like I talk about the pediatrician will reduce the sense of "weirdness." I liken it to visiting the pediatrician even when you're not sick in order to run tests and catch anything early.