We have been threatening and actually taking away video games and TV when he has made poor behavior choices. It doesn't seem to have the desired effect since the behaviors still occur even with the punishment in place.
My DS12 is one of those kids who 'externalizes' his behavior - not the suffer in silence type, which I have finally become grateful for, but was very difficult to live through.
What I find is that a lot of teachers and parents attempt to apply 'behavioral' techniques in ways that are totally ineffective.
Get ahold of that old classic: "Dont' shoot the dog" - a short paperback chock full of basics about behavior mod. 1-2-3 magic is also a good read.
I wasn't sure what you meant by you quote above, but it reminded me of when DS12 was 6 and we finally got him a handheld video game player, just so that we could have something to 'take away.' We almost never give multi-day punishments. At age 6, we would count slowly to 5, and if the bad behavior didn't stop, or the good behavior wasn't in progress, we would 'take away' 5 of the daily alloted minutes. It amazed me how effective just 5 minutes of punishment could be. Over the years DS has bitterly regretted that he was 'too weak' to 'just not care' about his game privilege. Truly, he would rather have his dignity than the toy. Nowadays, saying that he is losing our respect is usually enough.
In a way, I think that any PG child of age 6 is '2E' if their emotional age doesn't match their intellectual age. It's just a very large gap between what their minds can grasp and what their emotions can handle. As they age, they have a greater ability to control themselves, and hopefully a greater motivation to 'act right.' I do think that getting our DS into a 'reasonable fit' classroom was a nescessary step in getting him to 'act right.' I also notice that tweens are treated with much more respect than 6 year olds, and that this helps DS tremendously.
I think the 'not wanting to take responsibility' thing is totally normal, but do keep trying to 'connect the dots.' I think it's one of those lessons that kids learn without demonstrating that they understand for many many years.
It's hard not to blame oneself, but you have him in therapy, so what else are you supposed to do? Is the therapist helping you and spouse with trying to handle him at home?
OK - here's what I've learned about behavior mod.
1) Have goals that can be stated briefly and in the positive.
ex: Not 'No Hitting' but 'Keep Hands to self"
2) Take away all privaleges and make him earn all screen time.
3) Frequent feedback. In first grade at age 6, the teacher would take him through a check list of 4 items just before lunch and at the end of the day. I saw the paperwork each day and we calculated how much screen time he had earned.
4) Short lists: Activly listen to the teacher and brainstorm the shortest list that will keep DS on track. Start with 3 items, one that DS is pretty sure to do well in so that you dont' feel like a meany. 4 is about the maximum.
We used this in 6th grade:
1) arrives to class on time
2) has all needed material
3) Does things the teacher's way
All clearly defined, all short, all stated in the positive.
I've always had to volunteer to write up the instruments, because most folks use behavior mod when they are angry and want to 'stick it' to the kid. This won't work.
I will say that in the absence of school that teaches to the child's readiness level, this can be very dangerous, because it will decrease the symptoms of an actual problem. I so wish we had done both right off the bat, but we just didn't know any better.
If your DS is anything like mine, giving him a job that earns respect of the family will go a long way. Teach him a few routines that genuinly make a difference to the younger sibs. With younger siblings, I imagine you have lots to praise about how responsible he is with them. Make sure he overhears you praising specific good things he did with them to earn your respect. I would also try trials where you train him in specific routines where he role models for the younger, and then you can praise him for being a good role model, directly and to others in his hearing when you can pretend he isn't supposed to hear.
(((((Hugs)))))))
In the end, remember that whatever you are feeling is most likely totally transparent to DS, so make sure you are firm about the negative, but blossoming with the positive!
Love and More Love,
Grinity