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Hi all,

We're contemplating a change of school, and I was wondering what others' thoughts/experiences might be re doing this with a child who says he doesn't want to. DS6 is quite against the idea of leaving his friends, although this is one of the main reasons we're thinking about the move.

During our horror third term (southern hemisphere) he seemed to really struggle with not fitting, although he didn't see it as that - but talked a lot about how he didn't like the games they liked, preferred class time to lunch break etc. This term he's adamant about certain children being his friends - and I sit in class, so I can see they're on friendly terms. But I see how he is with them, and he's often not being himself at all - well not his home self anyway. We had a play date from hell last holidays with one of these children - DS ran around like a maniac, threw things, leapt around, shrieked, squealed - I kept pulling him aside to ask him why he was behaving this way, and he told me that this was how *friend* played - he wanted to be like him. Hmm. He plays quite differently with other children we know (not from school), who are either older or probably gifted. Of course he is 6, so often does like to play soccer and chortle about wedgies, but he has other strings to his bow.

We're tossing up the GT specialist school partly because it's got expertise (although our current school may come to the party with acceleration), but more in search of an intellectual peer group so that he won't be isolated. I'm afraid that he might hide his light under a bushel pretty comprehensively if needed to fit in - particularly as it becomes more apparent to him that he's doing things the other guys aren't.

So what do you think - a realistic concern about an immanent danger, or fretful parents who should have more faith in their child's resilience and let him cement friendships? Has anyone been down this path and regretted it? Or not, and regretted it?

Cheers,
BK

I agree with Dottie and Gratified. This decision is really yours.

I suspect that your son doesn't want to leave his friends in the same way that kids that age don't want to give away their old clothes and toys, even though they don't work for them anymore. They don't understand that change is sometimes necessary to find a better fit, and that once you have new things, you wonder why you ever held on to the old ones.

Is there any way to dip a toe into new friendships at the new school? Could you get together for a playdate with someone from there? Or visit at recess?

I suspect that if he finds a better friendship fit, he'll be fine with the transition.

Remember that these friends are all he knows. As bad as the fit is, it's the only thing he's got. It's pretty normal that he might resist change. That doesn't mean change shouldn't come though.

Best wishes. These decisions are so hard on us parents!

I am going to give a slightly different point of view. I moved my kids to an environmental charter school, thinking that since they use Terra Nova scores at the beginning and end of the year, I would actually see progress. Oldest likes animals, and youngest likes to move around, so the subject matter and hikes seem ideal.

My oldest son has had a lot of difficulty in adapting, despite the fact that he was happy to go at first and that he met many of the kids in the summer. I am going through a lot to get him help coping right now. He is the type of kid who likes having stability and safety, so this new school completely threw him off.

That said, the way he is acting is giving us a chance to see some issues that might have appeared later, when we had less change to help him. My child is possibly 2E too, but that is what we are attempting to discover.

In the end, the decision is yours. I still think I made the right one. This school works with me in ways that the other one did not. But, that doesn't mean I don't have moments of regret.

Good luck on your decision.

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I struggle with the decision in large part because of my own baggage - isn't it always the way. I went to a lot of different schools (more than 1 a year on average), and really don't want that to be my children's experience. So when I get complete dismay as the reaction to my mild suggestions of "maybes", it really plays on my concerns. When we finally did settle down I was in my early teens, and I still have the friends I had then. Some of them have been friends since early primary school, and I do tend to romanticise that constancy. Though on the other hand I cherish the friends I've come across later in life who I've clicked with in a different way. There aren't many of them, so I'm really drawn to the idea of providing my boys with more opportunities than I had to find kindred spirits at an early age.

Oh Dottie - I laughed at the "mama knows best" - I can just picture the look on his face if I suggested that. Perhaps if I was more certain that I did then it would be easier to convince him. Though on second thoughts maybe not, his opinions are pretty firm in that regard. Obviously he didn't get his decisiveness from me.