Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Need advice about perfectionism

Hello! I haven't posted much in a long while. When school ended in May I believed everything would be fine this year; I was wrong. I was definitely in another form of GT denial.

I have a DD6 who we fought to get into the GT program last spring based on her WPPSI scores. It turns out that her "self-contained GT" class only has 2 GT identified kids in it and otherwise is very diverse in levels. It's a new school that just opened and they still don't have the proper leveled readers for her. I could write a separate post about how last year she loved school but this year she's complaining about how easy it is, how she's bored, and how the only thing she likes at school is science lab (which is pretty cool, btw). But that's not why I'm posting now.

I need help with how to deal with her perfectionism that is rearing its ugly head. Of course I believe that it's directly related to the fact that she's not challenged in any respect at school, and we do plan on asking for some changes, but I need help dealing with it at home. For instance, the other night she was doing her homework of writing her easy spelling words 3 times and then using them in sentences. As she was writing them she made the comment to me that 1st grade work is really like kindergarten work. Then, a little later, she forgot to capitalize the first word in a sentence. When she realized it she got very upset and started saying things like "I should be punished for that" and "I'm awful at writing" and "I can't do anything right." She expresses this attitude over and over again when something takes her more than a second to do. She's lost her desire to figure things out and is increasingly becoming a little (do I dare say it?) lazy.

Lastly, she's losing her confidence in math. She's saying that the math is "really hard" even though I know she was subtracting these same numbers in her head years ago. She's even started using her fingers to add and subtract, when before she used to just think of the answers. I think part of it is because she has to think about it a little longer than she has to think about anything else she's doing, and she's also a little scared of being wrong.

I know what we need to try to do at school (get her more challenging work) but I don't know how to handle this as a parent when she's unnecessarily hard on herself. I can't tell if she says these things for effect or because she really feels it. What do I say?

I remember everyone's advice last year about how 1st grade is sometimes when the wheels start to come off; I feel the nuts and bolts are loosening quickly. I want my happy girl back. Any advice is so very much appreciated!

Thank you! These are wonderful suggestions!

I really miss my happy DD who loved to learn about everything. I know that some of the attitude changes are related to what's going on at school but there's also a general grumpiness and attitude change that's there.

I'm wondering if it's all related or if there's some pretween stage that I'm just not aware of.

We are seeing the same issues with our DD6, who is also in 1st grade. I don't have any advice, but I'm going to watch this thread and provide support

I think we have been able to avoid some of this with our DS6 by having fun with mistakes. By letting him know thats how you learn, and if you know it all, then thats not as much fun as trying and maybe making mistakes. This may be an example. He did a 50 question math skill test. Basicly 50 mixed addition-subtraction problems with numbers under 20. The goal is 50 correct in under 3 minutes. He missed one, 5-0=4. We laughed about it and had fun with the fact that he missed something he knows. We also do not allow I can't do it, we push him to try things above level at times, and let him know he can miss it, not solve it, or not do it correctly. We push that the effort he puts into it is much more important then getting it correct. It's battel at times, but it seems to be working.

DS7's mantra is "hard is good."

I encourage mistakes (so long as they're not from lack of thinking or just laziness) and praise him for intellectual risk-taking. He's a lot LOT better about this sort of thing since he got a good challenge though. That was really the key for us.

I have a perfectionist as well and things got pretty ugly last year at this time. He is much better now but we still run into the issue here and there just not as often as before.

I highly recommend Freeing Our Families from Perfectionism by Thomas Greenspon. As a matter of fact I probably should reread it myself.

DS6 started counting on his fingers last fall too. It wasn't because he needed it, it was because they told him to do so in school! I told him that he could count without using his fingers and that was the end of it. Some of your DD's comments may be coming from school too. You know a teacher pointing out her mistakes or bad handwriting.

I like to use the analogy of the brain as a muscle with DS. I tell DS that yes, he's smart, but in order to stay smart he has to work his brain just like he would have to work his muscles in order to stay strong. If he's not making any mistakes, it's not a hard enough "workout". As Kriston mentioned, this doesn't count the careless mistakes that comes from rushing through the (way) too easy math homework he gets. I make sure not to make a big deal out of those types of mistakes. He just has to go back and find the mistakes and correct them - but I stay very nonchalant about them.

It almost sounds like a blend of perfectionism and imposter syndrome:



So here's what I see: She's letting you know she thinks her work is too easy. I wonder if part of her really is wondering why the teacher gives her k work in first grade(maybe I'm not smart)
Then she is doing this work that she has already mastered and some kids just cannot sustain attention for a task that is not stimulating. Picture watching the same Three's Company re-run three times in a row. Would you really be paying attention.....

And then, bam, she makes a mistake. Except her mistake is on K work, well then, just maybe she's less smart than even a Kindergartner!

Additionally, she then says aloud "I'm awful at writing" and "I can't do anything right." Which is terrible to hear when you child says that about themselves. And you know that it's NOT true and you tell them. The risk, though, is if the child continues along that line of self talk consistently, maybe then it could become a self fulfilling prophecy

One way you can help her confidence is to incorporate some afterschooling that involves a hard but reasonable challenge. Sit with her and try to make it a really pleasant experience. And when she gets frustrated and says I can't do it, it's too hard.....you have to talk her down.
Reinforce that if she says she can't do it, she won't be able to . A soft touch and humor helps. Get her to laugh, even if it's at you.
If she really gets stuck, help guide her without giving the answer and keep telling her she can do it. And when she succeeds make a really big deal out of.

"Wow, you know that is a second grade workbook! I knew you could do it!

It's important not to give her something that truly is out of reach and I would start with 10 minutes of difficult work.
Work the time/amount of problems/work up based on her ability to tolerate it.

When her confidence is up, that might be a good time to approach the teacher with a request for more appropriate work.

Probably most would say to approach the teacher first. I just think if it's a confidence issue there are a few ways this could backfire for DD.

Good luck
Neato

Thanks, everyone. I knew I wasn't handling it the best way, which is why I came to you for help! I am probably too serious with her about her homework, and I should add more humor to lighten the situation. I also should probably walk away while she's doing it and not hover. It's hard to keep her focused on what the teacher asks her to do, though. If she's doing sudoku, yes she's focused, or her Destination Math program or reading a book, yes, but she's not focused on writing sentences using spelling words like "he" "she" or "make," all of which are on her list this week. It's still unbelievable what kind of work she's doing.

And I think you are right, Neato. I do think what you described is some of what's happening. I also think she's disappointed with what 1st grade is and can't figure that part out. I'm disappointed with 1st grade; I realized I must have expected her to get 2nd grade work. Based on what she has expressed over the course of this year I believe that she thought 1st grade would be more exciting, she's now confused by what she has to sit through and do, but she knows she has to do it. She's told my mom (and me, of course) that she wants me to homeschool her. She'll bring it up randomly, like she'll grab the globe and say that if I homeschooled her we could use it to learn about the world. I told her that we could still learn about the world with the globe but she just put it back on the shelf. I think I had missed her point.

((sigh)) Parenting is hard.

It is, and I think your daughter is telling you in every way she knows that something must be done to help her. I think the perfectionism is a symptom of the much larger problem. She needs some sort of intervention: grade skip, subject skip, differentiation, homeschooling...something! And soon!

Where does she stand with all of that? Is harder work coming for her? What are you advocating for?

We've asked for different spelling words because that seemed like the easiest thing to change. The teacher has added 5 bonus words like "nocturnal" and "animal" but DD still has to do the other easy 15 words. She said that it was the best way to do it without having to give certain kids a different test.

I went in yesterday to ask for two things: 1) that she go to a 2nd grade class for LA instruction and 2) that she get harder spelling words INSTEAD of the easy ones. Those were the two things I thought of requesting. I'm open to suggestions for more requests. Apparently she's getting some differentiated centers but the teacher agreed that it's not enough. The teacher's hands have been somewhat tied, I think, based on the fact that the class is very diverse in abilities (she has three special needs kids in the class: 2 GT kids and one child with down syndrome, plus mixed abilities in between). Plus, she's been told that she must stay in line with what all of the other classes are doing in terms of the basic curriculum. This is more of a district policy, I believe.

Back to my requests: I didn't get to talk with the counselor because she's out all week doing GT testing. At this point I figure that I'll just wait until Monday.

And you know, I probably would be more willing to pull her out and try homeschooling if it weren't for the fact that I'm a complete wimp. I'm the PTA president of this new school. I generally think the school is great, it's just not currently working for my daughter. Yet I'm so afraid of what the fallout would be of my pulling her out that I'm really trying to make it all work. I'm hopeful that they'll agree to second grade work in LA and then maybe we could ask for a grade skip. I'm really embarrassed to admit that I'm concerned about what other people will think if we made a change. The rezoning has been such a big deal in our community because of the racial and socioeconomic diversity that it has created. Many people were opposed to the way the zoning was done. It's become "that school" in the neighborhood, and I'm determined to prove to the snobby and prejudiced people that they are wrong. I think very highly of the administrators and teachers at the school, and I wouldn't want people to get the wrong impression. I'm not in a position to just silently fade out; I feel like I'd have to explain our decision, and that's something I'm not sure I could do very well without sounding elitist. See, I told you that I'm a wimp.

I'm feeling like I'm not a very good parent right now. I didn't want this position of PTA president; I was the only one who was willing to even try to organize something. I took it reluctantly because i thought that if we were moving to the new school I wanted to make it the best school it could be. Now I feel like that decision is affecting the way I handle things for my DD, and that really bothers me. I'm probably making it too complicated.

Are there any other suggestions for what I should request in the meeting?

I wish I could help, but I don't have any suggestions. Could you ask for her to be excused from some work? I don't think you sound elitist at all. I understand feeling like a wimp. Sometimes I feel that way for going the private school route instead of fighting it out in the public school. It's hard to know what to do.

Sorry I can't help you, but I wish I could and I certainly understand your feelings.

Well Amy, I feel that I've been there. I think I understand what you are trying to communicate.

It sounds like you have a firm grip on what the problem is, now how do you go about solving it?

A chess game is rarely decided by the second move. Unless you whip out a pistol and shoot your opponent.
(To illustrate a point, not recommending shooting anyone!)

I would suggest you start researching and get as much policy info before the meeting if possible. If you aren't able to that's fine, because it brings me to my next point: I would suggest that you don't expect the majority of your daughter's difficulties at school to be solved in one meeting.

Based on the info you've posted, I'd want to know:

What are the state laws on partial homeschooling?
What are the district published policies on partial homeschooling?

Also, district policy on gradeskipping and subject acceleration. You'll notice I don't care what the policy on differentiation is(ooooooh, harsh, I know).

Since it's the district's policies you want, you should probably get that info from the district office.

You are, after all the PTA president. It wouldn't be unrealistic for you to be tracking down some info to satisfy the inquiries of some concerned parents.

I'm a concerned parent of a child at your school.
There, now you have a clean conscience.

Lastly, I would sit on information you get for awhile and ponder it. I really wouldn't whip it all out at the first meeting.

If you are going to ask about above grade level work at the meeting you should probably have some data to support the request. What data do you have?

When is the meeting?

Thank you, Neato. All great points. I actually have most of that information. Unfortunately we don't have partial homeschooling here in Texas or in the district. The district's policy on grade skipping is in line with what Texas law allows. There's a state test that's administered in our district in June and then July (the state leaves it up to districts but it must be given twice a year), and the student must score 90% in the different categories. I guess it's possible that the principal of a particular school could grant a grade skip without the test, but certainly if a student scores the stated minimums then the district must comply.

One thing in our favor is that the law requires that GT students be given the "opportunity to accelerate in areas of strength." This is one of the four things that GT programs must provide. In DD's case the teacher told us that she's restricted to testing her with the DRA2 for her reading level. She's only allowed to test her to a 24 in 1st grade, which is considered end of 2nd grade level. The teacher said that because of that, and because she needs to show "growth," she tested her at a 20 so that she could "grow" to a 24. But this is all false because she's clearly reading above even a 24, and the teacher told us this. I put all of this in my letter, and then I added the part about what Texas law requires as the basis for our requests.

Do you think it's too "in your face"? Oh, and my meeting will likely be on Monday. I planned on talking with the counselor about our requests and the reasons, and then giving her the letter to document it.

I do not think it's too in your face. There are many ways to approach advocacy.

If you want to talk details p.m. me.

Gotta run.

Thanks for starting such an interesting thread that hits close to home. My DD's in 1st grade too and perfectionism has been a big issue. It started at the end of last year when she started saying, "I hate math." I suspected it was because the math at school wasn't challenging enough and worked with her over the summer.

She went from "I hate math" to "More math!" Sure enough school's started, the math is stuff she's already mastered, and the negative attitude about math has returned. We're trying to keep her challenged by afterschooling and sending in appropriate level workbooks for her. The teacher lets her work in them after she completes the class work.

Another area we've seen perfectionism rear its ugly head is the AR test. The books she's given for AR are below the level she knows is "just right" for her. She gets upset if she misses a question on a Clifford test because she knows the book is too easy for her. I've explained that she's not really engaged in that book and Mommy couldn't remember if Clifford chased a bird or ball in spring either. The teacher has let her take some AR tests on more advanced books she's read. She's okay with missing questions on books she knows are more challenging.

I keep telling DD that what's important is not getting the right answer but that she's learning. I say, "Part of learning is making mistakes so it's a good sign that you're learning things when you make mistakes."

Remember that the PTA has a dual responsibility to fund-raise and advocate. When you advocate for your child you are paving the way for the children that come after her. You have a duty as PTA president and as a mother to advocate and not wimp out!

Yeah, our PTA prez has 3 vp's!

Thanks for the pep talk, inky. And I don't want it to sound like I think I'm more important than I am. We have a great team now and there are some other dedicated parents who worked hard with us over the summer to get everything into place. As much as I've been a cheerleader for the school, though, and tried to inspire other people to volunteer, etc., I think it would raise some eyebrows if I suddenly decided to pull DD out and homeschool her. That's what I'm a wimp about, even though I think about doing just that very thing every day.

I don't necessarily think pulling her out is the best solution though, not without trying to advocate for something better, and I'm not a wimp about doing that.

Thank you for the advice, everyone. And if anyone has any other recommendations for specific acceleration requests that we can make, I'd love to hear them. Based on so many posts of others, it really does seem like 1st grade is a big year for gifted kids who aren't being challenged.

Well, I certainly wasn't campaigning for homeschooling. I just want to be clear about that. There are LOTS of ways to deal with the education of an HG+ child, and while homeschooling is one valid choice, it's far from the only one. I even listed differentiation as an option before I listed HSing, and I'm with 'Neato completely on that one, that it's a last resort. It works great for some kids, but I think there are lots of potential problems with going that route, not the least of which is the fact that there's no institutional blessing for the acceleration; it's at the whim of each teacher each year. Eternal advocacy...

But I also agree that I don't think you can let your position aas PTA president hurt your daughter. If you can't balance your position and your daughter's needs, then I think you have to decide which takes precedence. But with that said, I think you CAN balance the two! Perhaps your position can even help you to get more done for her. Just don't be afraid to advocate for her. Remember that there are lots of parents there for the school; there's only one set of parents there for your daughter!

Amy,
Thanks for clarifying. I was on the homeschool bubble last year so I declined any PTA position for this year. Just before sending in the letter of intent to homeschool, we found out DD's teacher this year is supposed to be a gem. Even so, I'm torn about whether the energy I spend trying to prevent DD from flying under the radar, learning underachievement and developing unhealthy perfectionism would be put to better use homeschooling. If I can get past the first hurdle of getting DD identified as gifted then there's the next hurdle of grade acceleration. The idea of eternal advocacy wears me out!

It was recommended to us that we use a method called practice practicing. Basically what this means is I give DS something to do, tell him it's just practice and in the trash it goes when he's done. We check the answers and occasionally say "oh look, you misses one" and in the trash it goes.

Sounds kind of odd, but it has worked really well for us. The second thing is to play games of chance where winning and losing are completely random. This teaches them that not everything in life has to be or can be controlled.

Dear Amy,

I hope your meeting went well, and that you are feeling better about things. I have been thinking about you a great deal--what a difficult situation. I hope you don't mind me chiming in late here.

I don't think you're being a wimp about your circumstances; you are trying in good faith to balance the good of the many and the good of the one (if I may be allowed to go all Star-Trekky for a moment). I think that parents find themselves in these kinds of dilemmas occasionally, and it can be very hard to decide what to do. Can I offer an example from my past, with the understanding that its relevance is likely only tangential, and that I am not in any way trying to tell you what to do? We can only look at things through the lens of our own experience--this is just a perspective through my own lens.

I went to a small rural K-12 school, whose enrollment meant that it was constantly teetering on the edge of closure. My parents (who were the only people in the village, other than the teachers, who had university degrees) spent countless hours of their lives lobbying the county and the province to keep the place open; mom was president of the Home and School (like your PTA) and dad was chair of the School Board for all the years we were there. All three of us tested gifted; I was accelerated once (the school wanted to do it again, but the second skip would have put me in a class with my sister, so my parents said no). My brother, who tested in the EG range, also had dyslexia and a severe, untreatable hearing impairment, so the teachers did not believe the test scores, which didn't mesh too well with what he was doing in school (they spent the rest of his years at school trying to figure out how he could possibly have cheated on the IQ test--the mind boggles). All three of us, but particularly my brother, were miserable at school for various reasons, but our parents were not willing to take us out of our school and try some other options; they simply had too much of themselves and their concern for the community at large vested in the school for our leaving to be on the table as a permissible choice.

So, we weren't very happy, but we all survived; my sister and I went on to become university professors, my brother is self-employed, doing something he's reasonably good at but doesn't like very much--but we all still wish, in varying degrees, that maybe we could at least have tried something different; my brother especially needed my parents to put his complex needs (which, to be fair, they may not have understood very well) before their activism on behalf of the school. I am not at all saying that your situation is identical, or even very like, mine, but I do think that in general terms there comes a time when the good of the one, in whatever way that may be achieved, supersedes the good of the many, especially when the one is young and vulnerable. I also believe, again in general terms, that some of these kinds of decisions have long-term ramifications.

I hope that I haven't said too much and that none of what I did say has come out wrong; I hope, too, that you are able to work something out with a grade skip with your school.

Best wishes,
minnie

My ds8 is in 3rd; he had this real rough spot at the beginning where they were reviewing math facts and 2nd grade or earlier concepts. It was pretty discouraging for him; he wouldn't do the work, or it would take forever and be very frustrating to all involved.
He finally came up with some pretty funny ways of 'showing' his work on the simpler stuff. At last they are hitting some new areas, probability, for instance and he is cruising along, although in my opinion not being stretched. (still waiting on some more math testing for additional differentiation for him)
He brought home a fairly tricky 6 page worksheet on probability and had gotten the whole thing correct.

One way he has of spicing things up is to create a code for parts of what he will be writing, like a head in a circle for 1/4, and a different shape or picture in a circle for 1/2. Then he will use these new symbols when writing 5 1/4 or whatever. He gives the teacher a key at the top of his paper...
fwiw.

I agree! Welcome Minnie!
When my husband and I were first starting to date, we were delighted to find that we had both gone to public school, had both gone on to college, resenting the kids who were better prepared by their private school educations, and both 'Belived in Public Education.' Turned out that Public Education didn't 'believe' in us! I am quite sure that some of my affection for public education comes from them doing such a good job of convincing me that I was to blame for my own unhappiness there, and not them. To that extent, we did pass our old hurts along to our son. Part of the reason I was willing to put him into daycare at 7 weeks of age is that I felt that I was tainted in some way, and that keeping him with NDs for part of each day would ameliorate my tainted influence, and help him fit in better. Actually it made him less tolerant of ND kids for a long time. ((shrug))

We live and learn!
Grinity

Ugh! I thought I had posted my response last night but somehow it must have gotten lost in cyberspace. I'll try to recreate it now.

First, thank you, minnie, for sharing your story. I appreciate your own experience and how that has influenced you. And thank you to everyone else, as well.

We had the meeting last week. I met with the counselor the first day and then they called me in for a meeting with the principal, the teacher, and the counselor on Thursday. They were very polite and they listened to me, but I don't think there is anything that I could have said that day that would have changed their minds that it's too soon to accelerate DD in some way. I left frustrated, and the more I think about it I'm even more frustrated.

Basically the feeling from the principal was that it's too soon to really evaluate anything. She said that 9 weeks is not enough time to judge how the 1st grade class is going to be. She said that they have primarily been doing review of last year and the real instruction should start now. Especially for a new school, 9 weeks, in her opinion, was just not much time.

I said that 9 weeks may not seem long to an adult but to a child who is frustrated about the work she's doing then 9 weeks is long. She said that's where I need to give DD some perspective. That was their solution for the time being and we'll check back in 3 weeks. Of course we only have 3 weeks until we're out for Thanksgiving and then another 3 weeks until winter break.

The teacher seemed defensive about what's going on in the classroom. She pointed out all of the "exciting" things that they have started doing. She also pointed out that there are some things that DD needs to work on. Her report card came home that afternoon and I think she actually got all "Es" in LA, so I'm not sure what the specific things are that she needs to work on. I guess maybe they are talking about her capitalizing her sentences correctly and using more "flowery" language when she writes. DD is very matter of fact in her writing; to me this doesn't mean she's not gifted. Part of it could be that she's just not interested in the work she's doing so she rushes through it. I just don't know.

I kept stressing that this wasn't about what my husband and I felt like she should be learning but it was about the fact that DD is asking almost daily now to be homeschooled because I know what she knows and doesn't already know and that she's tired of learning what she already knows. They again said that this is where I need to give her some "perspective."

I'd like to pursue some achievement testing at this point but DH thinks we should wait until the spring because of financial reasons. I'm the type who wants answers now. He doesn't think that the testing would provide us many answers. I disagree. This morning she kept saying that she didn't want to go to school and that her stomach hurt. DH thinks she was just tired, and she could be, but I know that she wouldn't have acted that way last year. Is it common for 1st graders to already dislike school? It seems so out of character for my DD, and it really bothers me.

So that's our update. I guess we're waiting and hoping that things get better. On another note, my free copy of A Nation Deceived arrived the afternoon of my meeting. Too bad I didn't have it before! For anyone who doesn't have a copy yet, you can request it on their website. Just google it and you'll find it easily. It takes a little while to receive it but it's worth having a bound copy instead of just their pdf version.

I agree that 9 weeks is a long time to a child, especially a very young one. I am not sure how common this is across all groups of kids, but my son did start to have problems in first with not liking the teacher, he didn't have many friends (according to his count, zero) he did ask about homeschooling as well, although not every day.
I don't think his first grade teacher was a good fit; the teacher said lots of kids in 1st don't really make friends until later years (2nd, 3rd). I thought at the time that was ok information, but my son was still sad and not fitting in.
Things were better in 2nd and part of the reason was that I told him the school was going to do an assessment to see if he could take an extra class (early years gt program in our county). He was really excited about that and hung in there in expectation of it working out; it was a little bit of a hair splitter but he got in during the last few weeks of school and was really relieved and happy. He is doing well with the program this year, 3rd, he is excited about school again. Plus his regular classroom teacher is turning out to be a gem.

Your child might be more in need of greater changes faster, however - my ds' story is just one. Things are working out ok for this semester, we are seeing how things go.
I don't think the stomachaches and the questions about homeschooling are entirely normal..

Also, someone else on the board might have good advice on which sorts of tests to look at having done - there are so many it is pretty confusing to me. So far we have just gone with what our school normally does.

Very best of luck for you and your dd!

Amy,
Thanks for the update. My daughter's parent teacher conference is coming up in a few weeks so it's helpful to hear about your experience. I've been frustrated that my daughter's a quarter of the way through 1st grade and there's been little challenging work. We've been getting some use out of her homework by copying it for her 4.5 year old sister to use.

Luckily our district has a gifted school that starts in 3rd grade. All the 3rd graders are taking achievement tests this week. The 2nd graders in the Primary Talent Pool are taking it as well for selection to the gifted school. There was an on-line application for the testing so I filled it out for my daughter to take it as a first grader.

I don't think the school would have supported her doing the out of level achievement test but the district approved it. I'm crossing my fingers that she does well enough for them to take notice and consider having her skip 2nd grade and go to the Gifted school for 3rd grade next year. If not, we'll do private testing and try to advocate via that route. At least I know she's going to be doing some challenging work this week with the out of level achievement testing.

There is a book called "Developing Math Talent" and it describes a process call Diagnostic Pretest and Prescriptive Instruction. I've been using this method for math and also reading/language arts. I ordered the Kaplan Stanford 10 workbook for the Diagnostic Pretesting.

I hope some of this is helpful in looking at options that are outside the box. The recommendation that you give your daughter perspective about learning what she already knows bugs me. I'm going to put some thought into how I'll respond if I'm told that at the conference.

Thanks again for the thought provoking thread.

Hello,

Just wanted to chime in with our experience. I hope this helps. For us first grade was a disaster. The teacher just did not get our DD. She tried to push her into staying within the 1st grade curriculum - reading and all. My dd at that point was reading at a fourth to fifth grade level fwiw I don't put much stock in the levels. We tried talking to the teacher. We brought in work she did in Kindergarten, had our DD write summaries of books but nothing got through. We finally had a meeting with the principal, gt coordinator, and the teacher. It helped a bit but really nothing changed except they started letting dd read whatever she wanted. DD's work and attitude suffered it was awful. All we did was fight. We got so discouraged we looked at private school and that was why we did the WISC IV. Those results were very helpful during the conference.

Now fast forward to 2nd Grade. We have a fabulous teacher and all is well. DD accepts her extra work now and has a fabulous attitude. She is being somewhat challenged but still constrained by the system. She is happy now though and that is what matters most.

If you think you want to keep your daughter in this school her is what I would do:

My advice would be to request a meeting with the teacher, the gt coordinator(if one exists), the principal and the counselor. Bring in whatever material you have and treat the school as your partner. Do not be confrontational they'll just get defensive. We went that route and then spent a couple of months repairing the damage. Also don't wait until you are furious again we did and it was a disaster. Our DD picked up on all the anger and frustration. Get everyone in the same room and focus the discussion on your child. How can we work within the curriculum to challenge and keep our kid happy? What resources are available? What will happen next year, the year after? After the meeting follow up with the principal to see if he/she has stayed on top of the situation. Ask if they'll take suggestions for teachers for 2nd grade. If they do ask for a teacher with many years of experience. Someone who has a lot of perspective but is still energetic and motivated. Such a person is more likely to recognize your DD's abilities and cater to them.

Your dd should not have to spin her wheels for a year. Talk to other parents in the class, maybe start a book club or science club.

Also take a deep breath. As our DD's beloved kindy teacher told us, "Oh kids like her don't learn anything in first grade. It's all about socialization for her. Things will get better"

Amy,

I'm sorry I didn't see your updated post about the meeting. As I said we had very similar issues with my dd but it was really a teacher issue not a school or kid issue. My dd is very happy now in 2nd grade.

Inky,

Same to you as well. Some of the things we tried with my dd were fun enriching activities. She was resistant to any extra work and we finally had to just back off or risk damaging her love of learning. We did science projects, art museum activities and I eventually founda series of books she absolutely loves. We also bought some computer games. I recommend Fritz and Chester learn to play chess,Brain Games - word puzzles and ISpy games.

It breaks my heart to hear so many similar stories to ours. 1st grade was so awful for us.

lanfan,
Thanks for the suggestions. DD4.5's preschool teacher gave me a Mindware catalogue with lots of great puzzles and games:
www.mindwareonline.com
I sent copies to the grandparents for Christmas gift ideas. I also picked up a game at Target called Castle Logix made by Smart Games. It was a hit.

This discussion has triggered me to rethink my plans for DD4.5. I may look at having her do a compressed Kindergarten year at a private school from Jan-May in order to have her start 1st grade in the fall. This may alleviate some of the problems we're having with our older daughter.