Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Need advice about perfectionism

Hello! I haven't posted much in a long while. When school ended in May I believed everything would be fine this year; I was wrong. I was definitely in another form of GT denial.

I have a DD6 who we fought to get into the GT program last spring based on her WPPSI scores. It turns out that her "self-contained GT" class only has 2 GT identified kids in it and otherwise is very diverse in levels. It's a new school that just opened and they still don't have the proper leveled readers for her. I could write a separate post about how last year she loved school but this year she's complaining about how easy it is, how she's bored, and how the only thing she likes at school is science lab (which is pretty cool, btw). But that's not why I'm posting now.

I need help with how to deal with her perfectionism that is rearing its ugly head. Of course I believe that it's directly related to the fact that she's not challenged in any respect at school, and we do plan on asking for some changes, but I need help dealing with it at home. For instance, the other night she was doing her homework of writing her easy spelling words 3 times and then using them in sentences. As she was writing them she made the comment to me that 1st grade work is really like kindergarten work. Then, a little later, she forgot to capitalize the first word in a sentence. When she realized it she got very upset and started saying things like "I should be punished for that" and "I'm awful at writing" and "I can't do anything right." She expresses this attitude over and over again when something takes her more than a second to do. She's lost her desire to figure things out and is increasingly becoming a little (do I dare say it?) lazy.

Lastly, she's losing her confidence in math. She's saying that the math is "really hard" even though I know she was subtracting these same numbers in her head years ago. She's even started using her fingers to add and subtract, when before she used to just think of the answers. I think part of it is because she has to think about it a little longer than she has to think about anything else she's doing, and she's also a little scared of being wrong.

I know what we need to try to do at school (get her more challenging work) but I don't know how to handle this as a parent when she's unnecessarily hard on herself. I can't tell if she says these things for effect or because she really feels it. What do I say?

I remember everyone's advice last year about how 1st grade is sometimes when the wheels start to come off; I feel the nuts and bolts are loosening quickly. I want my happy girl back. Any advice is so very much appreciated!

Thank you! These are wonderful suggestions!

I really miss my happy DD who loved to learn about everything. I know that some of the attitude changes are related to what's going on at school but there's also a general grumpiness and attitude change that's there.

I'm wondering if it's all related or if there's some pretween stage that I'm just not aware of.

We are seeing the same issues with our DD6, who is also in 1st grade. I don't have any advice, but I'm going to watch this thread and provide support

I think we have been able to avoid some of this with our DS6 by having fun with mistakes. By letting him know thats how you learn, and if you know it all, then thats not as much fun as trying and maybe making mistakes. This may be an example. He did a 50 question math skill test. Basicly 50 mixed addition-subtraction problems with numbers under 20. The goal is 50 correct in under 3 minutes. He missed one, 5-0=4. We laughed about it and had fun with the fact that he missed something he knows. We also do not allow I can't do it, we push him to try things above level at times, and let him know he can miss it, not solve it, or not do it correctly. We push that the effort he puts into it is much more important then getting it correct. It's battel at times, but it seems to be working.

DS7's mantra is "hard is good."

I encourage mistakes (so long as they're not from lack of thinking or just laziness) and praise him for intellectual risk-taking. He's a lot LOT better about this sort of thing since he got a good challenge though. That was really the key for us.

I have a perfectionist as well and things got pretty ugly last year at this time. He is much better now but we still run into the issue here and there just not as often as before.

I highly recommend Freeing Our Families from Perfectionism by Thomas Greenspon. As a matter of fact I probably should reread it myself.

DS6 started counting on his fingers last fall too. It wasn't because he needed it, it was because they told him to do so in school! I told him that he could count without using his fingers and that was the end of it. Some of your DD's comments may be coming from school too. You know a teacher pointing out her mistakes or bad handwriting.

I like to use the analogy of the brain as a muscle with DS. I tell DS that yes, he's smart, but in order to stay smart he has to work his brain just like he would have to work his muscles in order to stay strong. If he's not making any mistakes, it's not a hard enough "workout". As Kriston mentioned, this doesn't count the careless mistakes that comes from rushing through the (way) too easy math homework he gets. I make sure not to make a big deal out of those types of mistakes. He just has to go back and find the mistakes and correct them - but I stay very nonchalant about them.

It almost sounds like a blend of perfectionism and imposter syndrome:



So here's what I see: She's letting you know she thinks her work is too easy. I wonder if part of her really is wondering why the teacher gives her k work in first grade(maybe I'm not smart)
Then she is doing this work that she has already mastered and some kids just cannot sustain attention for a task that is not stimulating. Picture watching the same Three's Company re-run three times in a row. Would you really be paying attention.....

And then, bam, she makes a mistake. Except her mistake is on K work, well then, just maybe she's less smart than even a Kindergartner!

Additionally, she then says aloud "I'm awful at writing" and "I can't do anything right." Which is terrible to hear when you child says that about themselves. And you know that it's NOT true and you tell them. The risk, though, is if the child continues along that line of self talk consistently, maybe then it could become a self fulfilling prophecy

One way you can help her confidence is to incorporate some afterschooling that involves a hard but reasonable challenge. Sit with her and try to make it a really pleasant experience. And when she gets frustrated and says I can't do it, it's too hard.....you have to talk her down.
Reinforce that if she says she can't do it, she won't be able to . A soft touch and humor helps. Get her to laugh, even if it's at you.
If she really gets stuck, help guide her without giving the answer and keep telling her she can do it. And when she succeeds make a really big deal out of.

"Wow, you know that is a second grade workbook! I knew you could do it!

It's important not to give her something that truly is out of reach and I would start with 10 minutes of difficult work.
Work the time/amount of problems/work up based on her ability to tolerate it.

When her confidence is up, that might be a good time to approach the teacher with a request for more appropriate work.

Probably most would say to approach the teacher first. I just think if it's a confidence issue there are a few ways this could backfire for DD.

Good luck
Neato

Thanks, everyone. I knew I wasn't handling it the best way, which is why I came to you for help! I am probably too serious with her about her homework, and I should add more humor to lighten the situation. I also should probably walk away while she's doing it and not hover. It's hard to keep her focused on what the teacher asks her to do, though. If she's doing sudoku, yes she's focused, or her Destination Math program or reading a book, yes, but she's not focused on writing sentences using spelling words like "he" "she" or "make," all of which are on her list this week. It's still unbelievable what kind of work she's doing.

And I think you are right, Neato. I do think what you described is some of what's happening. I also think she's disappointed with what 1st grade is and can't figure that part out. I'm disappointed with 1st grade; I realized I must have expected her to get 2nd grade work. Based on what she has expressed over the course of this year I believe that she thought 1st grade would be more exciting, she's now confused by what she has to sit through and do, but she knows she has to do it. She's told my mom (and me, of course) that she wants me to homeschool her. She'll bring it up randomly, like she'll grab the globe and say that if I homeschooled her we could use it to learn about the world. I told her that we could still learn about the world with the globe but she just put it back on the shelf. I think I had missed her point.

((sigh)) Parenting is hard.

It is, and I think your daughter is telling you in every way she knows that something must be done to help her. I think the perfectionism is a symptom of the much larger problem. She needs some sort of intervention: grade skip, subject skip, differentiation, homeschooling...something! And soon!

Where does she stand with all of that? Is harder work coming for her? What are you advocating for?