Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion more 'what to say' when skipping questions...

Miss 4 and Miss 7 are both skipping a grade. Miss 7 has a friend that has threatened to leave the school if she's not in the same class as Miss 7 next year. How should I handle this? And what types of responses should I help Miss 7 prepare when her friend comes out with this again? I suspect that both Miss 7 and Miss 4 are a little reluctant to go ahead with the grade skips due to peer pressure, fear of standing out, etc. so I feel like I need to formulate a "sales" pitch for both of them (?) Selling the skip on the school was the easy bit, but anyone else feel like they had to sell their own kids on the idea? jojo

Hmmmm... my DS wanted the skip but he hadn't been at the school long enough to form any real friendships.

Our school is so large that the chances of being in the same class with a friend are only 1 in 6 anyway. DS can still play with his friends from K at recess, too.

What if you make plans to invite friends over for playdates more often? They would have more time to interact on a playdate than they would in class anyway.

my son skipped 2nd this year, it was sort of tough. He asked us last year, saying he was bored and the kids did really understand him. We weren't sure he was really emotionally ready for it, and we thought maybe we would wait until he was a little older. But he pushed it so this summer we had a meeting and he was put ahead.

And then he had COLD feet. So the first couple of weeks of school he floundered.... but the school he goes to went through this huge population shift and many of the kids he was friends with have left the school. So even if he went back to 2nd, he wouldn't know a lot of the kids.

He is finally getting it together and starting to make friends and feel comfortable. There is a boy in his class that is gifted, and they seem to get along right off. And then there is a boy he know from his one of the reading enrichment things he did last year. See if you can find out if she has connections to any kids in the class she is going into, maybe they were in a enrichment program?

To answer your question: yes we did have to sort of sell it to him once he was in the class.

But I have on more then one occasion when I am picking him up, I've heard comments about him. Kids will point and say to their parents, "That's the kids, he is now in 3rd, and he is doing really good" It's never a negative, but I know he hears it, he pretends not to... so there will be kids who say things about your daughters. At least they have each other, they will both be going though sort of the same thing.

I would talk to their friend's parents (unless they are part of the problem) and arrange lots of play dates. That way they don't feel they are loosing their friends, but rather gaining new ones that are on the same wave length, hopefully.

Did your children request the grade skip themselves? DD has always asked for more challenge, so it's been an easy sell to have harder classes. I would explain about how kids learn at different pace and their place is in this new grade. Since they are both doing it, they can share their experiences with each other. I would plan a little "graduation" dinner and then maybe take them somewhere special after first day of school.

Good job for advocating your children. It makes it that much easier for future parents of GT children to have the same option.

Jen

I would really pay attention to what your girls are saying and then see if there are substantive things that can be done to address their worries. Connecting with the best friend's family and coming up with a mutually agreed upon game plan is certainly part of the solution.

I was a pretty popular girl in K and first grade with lots of friends in a small school in a small town. When I skipped, there were definitely social consequences. My old friends didn't want to associate with me anymore and my new classmates were very cautious with me, never letting me into their inner circles. It was hard to find real friends after the skip. I became much more introverted, less socially confident. I did recover, but not until high school. I probably learned some good social skills in the process. It wasn't the end of the world. But it was still a big deal to the little girl I was.

My totally informal observation suggests that I am not alone in finding that girls in small close-knit schools who already have established social networks may suffer significant social consequences to their skips. So I would take the concerns seriously, don't just try to sell the skip to them. Listen to what they are telling you.

Thanks for your replies. I'm still procrastinating about telling them Miss 7 will be fine once she works out that she's going into grade 4 with another little friend. I think she may feel awkward leaving some of her friends downstairs (literally) in the 1-2-3 class, but I suspect that she'll be fine with the move.

I haven't broached the subject with Miss 4. I'm really looking forward to doing the optimism program with the girls next term. We're taking a day out of school to do the program and implement it within the home. I'm hoping that this may address confidence, self-esteem and being "different" and give us some tools to talk about any school issues...

jojo

Skipping into a grade with a friend can work out well or it can backfire. In my case, I skipped into a grade where a good friend already was. But it turned out that she really liked being the older, bigger kid and my arrival in her grade threw her for a loop. It also disrupted her social circle since she did different things at school with her friends than she and I usually did together. In fact, I think it was, in part, her resentment of my being skipped that made my skip so unpleasant since she essentially blackballed me with her friends.

If we had had a deeper friendship, I can see that it would be a really good thing. But I did think it was a deep frienship until the skip when it all fell apart for me. Since it was a small school, there weren't many other options for friendships, so having her ditch me was a big deal.

I don't mean to suggest that this will happen or that your DD will experience the same social disruption I did. But I do know that there was no one looking out for the social aspects of my skip and I was left to try to handle things on my own. I suspect if someone was aware of the problems for both me and my friend, and addressed them with us we might have been able to salvage our friendship. So I am hoping that my experience will help you keep an eye out for trouble spots and head them off early.

I'll keep this in mind. I'm hoping that the decision to delay the grade skip until the start of the calender year will make it easier socially because everyone will be changing grades. There will be lots of opportunities to join/change/solidify social networks. The reality is that we're at a very small school, 60+ kids from pre-primary to year 7. The girls will be in multi-age classrooms so the distinction between grades will be very blury. And we're not trail-blazing. Others have skipped before us. I'm even hoping that one of Miss 7's friends from her current class may skip with her so that will give her an instant ally. Time will tell... jojo