Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion HELP My 15 year old son is an apathetic IB senior

I am at a loss for what to do. He was put ahead 2 years against my better judgement beause he was execeptional at everything. Last year, he made 2 D's in advanced chemistry and IB Calculus...math and science have always been his places of excellence. He says he is not smart enough and now all he wants to do is play video games..is very inventive in finding ways to get around parental controls...and wants to get out of IB. I don't think he needs it ( the IB diploma) but I think he is so apathethetic that it will be replaced by NOTHING. He said he wanted to go to college early and to get a degree in Video Game production...but I really think all he wants to do it play EVE and other games. A gifted counselor told me several years ago to let him play the games because it would allow him to be highly focussed. I am so worried about him. Should I take him out of school and send him to a horse ranch to work until his maturity catches up with his abilty...and not rush him to graduate. Let him fail ? A am so worried about him

Slinkyrose-

I think that you and your son might benefit from counseling. It sounds as if he is using the video game to escape from reality, and he may need extra help facing whatever it is that he is afraid of facing. Video game addiction is a real problem for many people, and it can be very destructive. I'm not sure, but I suspect that there may be 12 step programs for video game addicts. I really think you need to address this now, as once your son turns 18, he's a legal adult and there's not much you can do.

Life is all about balance, and there isn't a good balance in this situation. Video games are not evil, but it seems clear that your son is having a problem with self regulation that requires intervention. He might be angry about it now, but if you are proactive, he might be very grateful to you later in life.

best wishes,

Your post made me sign up. Your 15 year old sounds amazingly like my 13 almost 14 year old son. Only difference is his school has done nothing but label him. That being said - if your son is as much like mine as it seems counseling isn't an option. My son has made it very clear he wants no part of it. He's been to several different counselors and does not have any use at all for any of them. I'm not saying I agree - just stating his opinion. Has your son been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD?

My experience with 15 year olds is that they just want to control their own lives. And they are trying to deal with all the emotional and maturational stuff that goes with being teens - whether gifted or not.

The hardest part of being a parent, IMHO, is realizing that you can't control your child. You can guide, you can encourage, you can support, you can provide opportunities. But you can't control. It sounds like there is a problem -have you asked him what's going on? Did he want the skip and the IB program? Why not let him go to college and major in gaming production? Does he need the IB program to get there? I'm not real up on that end - my gifted kiddo right now is only 7. But I have a GT kid who wasn't recognized as such who is now 29 years old. He was pretty apathetic about school - but not accelerated like your son. Probably should have been, but wasn't. He's a die-hard gamer even now. Lived for RPG and video games through middle and high school. Runs a LAN group now. The gaming isn't all that bad - the question is whether it's a way to avoid reality or not.

I'd say ask your son what is going on and then sit back and really listen. Offer him a chance to go counseling if he wants to. Offer him a link to Haven: http://www.havensrefuge.lunarpages.net/
Offer support, opportunities and encouragement. Be sure he knows you love him for just being him - not because of success in IB or being smart. Be sure he knows what different choices he has and what the consequences might be. And then let him make the choices he wants.

We have a DS16, one thing we have learned, And its hard to remember is that they somtimes value themselves for their intellect rather then their work effort. As things in life become more about effort and less about itellect, they back away and say they are dumb. We found no easy fix for this. The best thing for them is to overcome things on their own. For them to gain self worth by moving past a difficult goal. Our DS16 is learning some of these lessos the hard way. We made him retake two classes during the summer and one class this year. Now that he has retaken them he is starting to see that he wasn't dumb, but that he wasn't trying. We keep drilling effort over product. I only wish we had started in 1st grade. The good thing he is maturing a lot. We don't know if it's because he is older, or that we are great parents, LOL. It's hard to be 15, your supposed to be some bright kid that never fails, and should know what you want out of life. They view most everyone else as kids with no problems, and they are very self absorbed in their own lives. Sometimes it helps if they help someone else, it helps change the focus.

There is a reason Everquest is called Evercrack!!

Does he do any reading at all - interact with peers? Or is he Hikikomori - locks himself away all day?


Here is a link about Hikikomori.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hikikomori

Edwin's post is valuable. I did not learn the value of hard work until college.

Slinkyrose,

At the beginning of my Jr. year of High School I refused to go to school. I literally left and did not return. Based on the fact that I was already ahead and test scores, I was allowed to return Senior Year and graduate on time. I did not have to make up anything I missed Junior Year. Unfortunately, there was a lot of bad stuff between: left and did not return....and allowed to return Senior Year.
The good news is, I ended up going to college, had a successful career and am now a SAHM attempting to raise two children just like me!

There is no easy answer for you. I would say make all the best decisions that you can and have hope that no matter what happens, you are doing the best you can. The good news is that because he is already advanced, when he decides to get back on track it will be much easier and faster than someone who isn't in a similar situation.

My good thoughts go out to you and your family,

Neato

LOL-- or "World of Warcrack"?

This can be a real problem ... I really feel for you and your situation. I agree a long heart-to-heart is in order, but let him do most of the talking; something like, "We want to know what we can do to help you."

My HG+ dh sounds like he was similar to your son. He left high school as a 14yo freshman ... He felt it was a ridiculous waste of his time, so refused to go anymore; he just sat around and played video games! They worked out a deal where he could work at his own pace, and graduate from the high school when he was done with the senior course work. He graduated at 15, got a job in the tech service injury (think cable guy), while taking the odd class here and there and learning all he could on the side. Now he works for the Web technology department in a large credit-card company -- 95% of his colleagues have degrees, but he learned everything he needs on his own, faster than he'd learn in a class. And he's still a gamer.

Which leads to the question: would your ds be interested in homeschooling? Maybe he could even take some correspondence game design courses. Might be worth investigating...

See, just because something is unconventional, doesn't mean it's wrong.

Ahhh SRose!
Prayers for you and your family.
Can you get him to read "The world is Flat?" It's in version 3.0. I read 2.0 as an audio book and it really gave me a lot of hope. If he won't read it, then you do, and keep leaving it in the bathroom, etc.....

I agree that 'work ethic' is the key you want him to have - I like the 'Gap year' idea - a horse ranch sounds ideal. Or a really fine boarding school, or college NOW.

Check out 'What Hight Schools don't tell you' by Elizabeth Wissner-Bross. She was good at inspiring me to 'listen and believe' in what my DS12 was saying about what he wants out of life. On page 270 she outlines a bunch of summer programs that track a kid toward a career in gaming, and -suprise - all those programs require kids to do well in school during the year to be chosen.

As far as parental controls, call the game company and see what you can do. Particularly for games that have a montly fee, if DS dosen't have cash or a credit card, there are some built in limitations. I recently had my son's World of WarCrack account set up so that I can change his password on him, and he can't get it back unless he knows my email password. -gulp- I needed to be able to threaten credibly, particularly with the new upgrade coming mid-November.

I do think that there is a lot of good in Gaming, but there is also the potential for abuse. We are still the adults, and in the end, have to excersize our best judgement. But my goal is to stoke my son's motivation and assist him in steering his life.

Prayers,
Grinity