Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy I don't know where to turn - vent

I'm so upset and I don't know where to get answers. Pud's behavior has been awful. I resorted to spanking him yesterday, which I hate to do. He says he doesn't want to mind because he doesn't want to be told what to do. He doesn't want to do certain things (get dressed, brush teeth) because they are boring. I think he is not challenged at school, despite the gradeskip to 3rd. He's making a lot of 90s and 100s without much effort. He doesn't even bring his books home anymore after he brought home his math book one weekend to study for the Monday test but didn't write down what he was supposed to study. Of course, he aced the test and now doesn't think he needs to bring home his books. He fights doing his homework. He fights practicing his piano. He fights getting dressed. He is rebellious and defiant and I'm tired and frustrated and I have not clue what to do. This morning he missed breakfast because he didn't get dressed in time.

I'm trying to figure him out. I'm trying to challenge him. He's reading "The Hobbit" and was doing long division this summer. What I see coming home from school is nowhere near what he needs. He won't try hard things. He won't do easy things. I have no idea what things he needs to challenge him. I don't even know if not being challenged is the problem. Maybe 3rd grade is too much. With the behaviour problems, I can't see us homeschooling. That's just way too much together time. I can't seem to find a good childcare situation. There's a drop-in childcare place but there would be no children his age. We joined a homeschool group but that doesn't seem to be working out. He's either not interested in the events or he won't get his work done so that we can go. And, even if we homeschooled and went to all these events where he could be around other kids, I need time to myself.

I know I sound like a broken record. I just don't know what to do or where to turn. DH isn't any help, in fact, sometimes he makes the problem worse. I don't know how to help any of us. I'm not sure how we got into this situation with our sweet, happy, mellow little guy. What happened to my happy, compliant 4 yo? I know none of you have answers but maybe just getting this off my chest will help. I'm just in tears today because I can't seem to get anywhere.

I took his karate belt away from him 2 weeks ago because he has started hitting and kicking me. His teacher told him he couldn't have it back for a month. The counter starts over if he is physically aggressive again, which he was on Friday. He's very angry and I don't know why. The grade skip? The new school? Daddy and I being gone for 2 weeks this summer? Bored? All of the above? None of the above? Just his personality?

His pyschologist was not much help last spring. I called her about 8 days ago and asked for either an appointment or a name of a behavioural psych who could help us. She has not returned my call. I've read books. I ordered the book about "The Spririted Child" although I've already read it. Maybe having my own copy and rereading it will help. I've been going through the SENG "Parenting Gifted Kids" book and started a class that meets once a week. It seems to only raise more questions.

I feel guilty that I bailed on the public school and didn't push more for accomodations. I feel I gave up. I don't know what to do if this school isn't the answer. I know some of you have said the behavior problems clear up when you homeschool and the child is challenged. I don't know how to make that happen. I've had several things I've wanted to do with him in the afternoons and on Friday (he only goes to school 2 1/2 hours a day 4 days a week) but I either can't get him to mind long enough to do them or he pokes around and takes forever to do his homework (again, it's not hard for him - he's either bored or he's slow). I'm about to give up. But, that's not really an option, is it? You can't give up being a parent. AAAAACCKKKKKKKKK! I don't know what to do. Not sure I should even post this. It all just seems like too much.

Here are my two thoughts. They are just a starting point. Other people will surely have more.

First, is he able to tell you anything about while he feels so bad? Can you ask him directly? "Gee, you just seem like you are having a lot of bad days. It makes me sad that you feel bad. Do you know what is wrong?"

Second, when DS went through these spells (mostly when he was four), my first instinct was to punish and yell and reason with him. But what actually worked was to keep my mouth shut and give him a really big long hug. Lots of touching and affection throughout the day to reassure him that he was safe went a long way.

Just the first 2 things that popped into my mind....

I have four boys and can understand your frustration maybe he needs one to one attention from you and I don't mean academicaly. Pehaps a long walk or a day at the park. I have a ten your who was so sweet and loving and yes now he too is rebellious he even yelld at me but one has to stay grounded and use discipline by that I mean take away what he loves the best wheter games,clothes, anything that will make him know that you are in control. I also feel that this is what some boys experience have you though also of perhaps having a meeting with his teacher and seeing if maybe he feels uncomable with his new peers? Keep us posted and I wish you the bet of luck!

Oh, squirt! I wish there were a hug smiley... ((hugs)).

I've forgotten how old Pud is, but I can tell you that my kids (especially DD) have gone through periods of defiant behavior that have driven me to tears and desperation. I know how it feels to be completely frustrated and out of ideas.

Number one is to make sure that you or your DH is not giving him the impression that you expect bad behavior when he's bored.

Maybe it would help to just drop all the extras for a while--no karate, piano, etc. Go into reset mode. He earns extras by doing the required stuff (getting dressed, brushing teeth, doing homework.) If he is truly bored he will want those extras. Or maybe he will want different extras.

Stop feeling guilty about the public school. You made what you thought was the best decision with the information you had at the time. The behavior issues may not have anything to do with school. Or they may be related to school but would still be a problem at the public school.

Re: spanking--we've used spanking very sparingly, too. My kids do get spanked for aggressively kicking/hitting someone. Snotty/defiant behavior results in instant banishment to their rooms followed by a lecture from me and possible loss of allowance/privileges. YMMV.

Squirt, hang in there. I said and did some awful things at that age, too. My dad was pretty firm with me, unlike my mom.

Having been around boys a lot, they can do things that are horribly destructive to things or relationships and not understand what harm they can cause.

I kept my nephews on a short leash when they lived with me ( after learning my lesson, lol) and it worked a lot better. By sort leash, I mean lists of chores and a written schedule for the week. I withheld dessert, tv, and their favorite books if they did not meet their obligations. One thing I always did and still do with them, when they visit, is workout with them each day - a walk, a run, weights, etc.

I made them clean up dinner, trash, mop, sweep, vacuum, laundry, etc. Then I had more time to spend with them or they on homework.

I love the advice others have offered (extra one on one time, asking him what's making him angry, more structure, exercise, take away extras). My heart goes out to you--time will help. One parent on another thread suggested monitoring diet & sleep.

My most difficult DS responds to one on one time, exercise, alone time (when he's misbehaving, sending him to be alone--without technology around--essentially either to lie down or read or just think/daydream..kind of like a "time out" but not labelled as such). Does your DS have his own room? I've told my son that if he behaves inappropriately, he needs to do it in his own space, not in public. He generally reappears in a little while a completely different person.

If he's underchallenged at school, steadily work to address those needs, but panicking and reacting to bad behavior (we've all done it--or at least I have) isn't as effective as reason and patience and perseverance. You may not find the right fit academically for him since he's very advanced, so you might have to supplement at home. ALEKS for math, educational videos like Planet Earth or Bill Nye, keep reading good books and discuss if you can, puzzles, board games.

My difficult DS's perfect behavior and angelic disposition appear when I devote myself to him entirely. We'll bake together, play board games, practice the piano, work on his homework, do a puzzle, etc. Of course I don't have that kind of time all the time. But if I do that every once in a while, it seems to bring the old DS back.

Lastly, depending on many other factors that I can't evaluate, you might consider ADD or ADHD and medications. It can make the world of difference to a family.

squirt - i cannot add much to the other excellent advice here, but i wanted to add my e-hugs. We are going through a spell of bad behavior here, too, though not to the extent of yours. We are blaming it on changes related to having to go to back to preschool, but haven't yet been too successful in changing the bad behaviors yet. I feel like we're always on the defensive "that behavior is inappropriate" etc. I have to remind myself to find a time to catch him being good.

OH Squirt - I want to send big cyberhugs. I went through the same thing with DS8 last year.

Squirt, I am so sorry! I went through a very similar experience for about 9 months with my dd6. I knew she was not challenged enough in school, but we were doing lots of other activities, but she still seemed so angry a lot and we couldn't figure it out. She wouldn't tell us what was really going on and we were having lots of behavior problems and outbursts at home; she was fine in school. I was so exasperated and felt like I was failing her and then I read a book called "The 5 Love Languages of Children". It was a real eye-opener to me on how I interacted with my daughter. We were speaking different "love languages". Sounds kind of cheesy if you haven't read the book but it makes sense in context. Her love language is touch and mine isn't. Once I learned that and learned to include a lot more touch during the day it really made a huge difference. And also I learned that spanking for her was the worst thing I could do as a punishment because touch is such an important way to communicate for her, so a negative touch is like saying I hate you. Just another suggestion. I hope everything works out soon for you and your ds.

I wonder if more gifted kids have touch as a love language? Someone mentions more hugging, and the love languages (actually I like those books). My son - he needs a great deal of "touch". I had to put my foot down last year because he wanted to sleep in my bed every night and he's just too old you know?

At age 10, he still comes and snuggles in my lap when we watch TV! I'm certain that's his main one, he also has another language of encouraging words. I try to do a lot of both with him.