Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy What to say to new teacher? (long)

DS6 is starting second grade tomorrow (skipping 1st). The new teacher sent a form to fill out, asking about concerns with reading, writing, math, and asking about how DS "feels" about these subjects. She also wanted us to share with her anything "regarding your child and the way that he learns best." This teacher hasn't met DS but I do know that she was surprised by DS's grade skip - she had commented to the homeroom mom from last year (who happens to be my friend) that she was surprised to be getting a kid straight from K. My friend read her reaction as perhaps mild concern, but more shock because the school has never skipped a child - so not sure if teacher's reaction is negative, positive, or neutral... This teacher has a great reputation BTW.

Anyhow, my true concern is that DS will quickly blow through (or know from the beginning) the second grade curriculum (except maybe writing) and again not do much learning in school. I am gun-shy about saying too much too soon out of concern it will backfire. Last year, K teacher got the impression I was "pushing" DS. She was nice, but misinterpreted his perfectionism as a reaction to pushing rather than reaction to always knowing all the answers in school. I don't think she realized what DS was capable of doing because she didn't expect too much of him. If I may take advantage of the eloquent bunch on this board... I need some help from with how to word things so that the right message shines through KWIM?

I think these letters are the hardest things in the world to write.

If it's okay, I'll put on my writing tutor hat and ask you some questions...

What is it that you most want to convey to the teacher? What is the most important point for you to make in this letter? What is most important for the teacher to know about your DS?

Then, are there any secondary points you want to make?

Next I think you want to consider if your secondary points are going to compete with your primary point. If they will, then you either have to carefully craft your letter to include them--and that poses a risk to your primary message--or you have to leave them out and deal with them in future interactions with the teacher instead.

It sounds like how you present yourself in the letter is an issue for you, too. You don't want her to think you're one of "those" moms who push their kids, right? I think that's a tone issue more than anything.

Do you want to discuss the skip in the letter? Or do you want to stay focused on your DS's needs? That might help with how you're perceived. If she thinks you're too focused on the skip, she might get the wrong idea about you. But then again, you don't want to ignore the elephant in the room...

I don't know if this helps...

We are in the same situation as you, Jool. DS will be starting 2nd grade tomorrow after skipping most of first grade.

I think my approach would be not to read too much into the questions on the form. It's probably the same form she sends to all the parents. If your DS feels confident about reading and math but sometimes becomes frustrated with writing, I would just say that and not go into your fears about whether he will find the curriculum challenging.

The other question seems to be about learning style so you could briefly describe your DS--is he a hands-on learner? Does he love group discussions or prefer to learn quietly on his own? Both?

I remember filling out the same form last year for my DS when he entered second grade. We had just finished a truly awful year of first grade where the teacher never understood DS or his giftedness. This second grade form asked the parents to list our child's strengths and weaknesses, as well as any concerns or comments that we had. I think I listed DS's strengths (academics) and weaknesses (behavior- restlessness and fidgeting) and tried to make the connection between the two. I wanted her to realize that I did not think that he was a perfect little boy who could do no wrong, but that boredom was a serious issue that affected his behavior. So instead of using the word boredom, I stressed that the biggest issue with my son was to continually find challenging material for him.

I don't know if this made any impact or not on the teacher. For the record, she is the best teacher that DS has ever had, and he was very fortunate to get her. Within a few weeks of the beginning of the school year, she came to the conclusion that DS did not belong in second grade and started the paperwork for a whole year acceleration.

I would imagine though that if I had said that exact same thing to the first grade teacher, it would not have made a bit of difference in her attitude or the school year. On the other hand, she never asked! So maybe (hopefully) the very fact that your DS's teacher is asking for parent's input is a wonderful sign.

Did our kids have the same teacher last year? I found myself in exactly the same situation last fall and that was the main reason we got our son tested. Fortunately the copy of the test results took care of the "pushing" part and him "learning to please me"

At this point I would probably write down what he likes and doesn't like about school/subjects, throw in perfectionism as well. Give her a week or two and set up a meeting with her to see how the transition is going and to give her heads up on all the things he can already do.

Thinking back over my previous post, I found that perhaps I should add a qualifier.

Since we just spent the weekend canoeing, I'll make a canoeing analogue. Sometimes you have to know when you need to paddle like crazy and when you need to coast. At the beginning of DS's second grade, I felt the sincere need to paddle my little heart out for the guy. It turns out that we had a receptive teacher, and so all went well. This year I felt the distinct need to coast, for fear of being labeled one of those parents. So I held back and did not approach the teachers, even though there was a decision to be made about the possibility of subject accelerating DS this year. It just seemed like a better idea to fly under the radar and let the teachers and the administration handle it on their end.

You just have to know what kind of water you are swimming in!

I realize that this probably doesn't help you at all. If the teacher is asking for input, then I think you are free to give it in any way that does not make the teacher feel that you are questioning his or her ability to teach. But you know your child better than the teacher does at the beginning of the year. And a wise teacher will accept your insight.

May the world be filled with wise teachers!!

Good point Kriston about picking a main issue without bombarding her with too many competing issues.


It definitely helps - I needed to hone in my main concern. Is it overkill, though, in the first letter to her to basically infer that he will need more challenge than most of the other second graders? From an outsider's standpoint, I can see how that could be seen as jumping the gun.

I think you have a good point. I am pretty convinced that he will not be challenged, but maybe saying this will imply lack of trust in the teacher. I mean, I can't *really* predict the future.

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He loves learning by himself in a corner, and he loves learning in a group. He is first and foremost a teacher pleaser, so if he is rewarded for getting everything correct, he will be very happy in that role and not risk making mistakes -- that's what the problem last year was. He didn't see school as a place to learn - and that was okay with him as long as the teacher was happy...

Sometimes I feel like I'm paddling before we're even in the water.

Jool, generally what you say when you answer those questions is what you should say in your writing.

I think I would recommend that you write pretty much what you wrote in your messages to me and to Cathy A, just "teacher-ified" for your audience. Maybe stress that he's a teacher-pleasing kid, and that you would prefer that he make mistakes and take risks rather than being "perfect" all the time. That allows you to say that he is ahead of grade level and that keeping him challenged may require her to give him harder work...without your sounding like you don't trust her. (You could even mention the problem last year--in a fairly positive "here's what I learned" way, of course--if it seems appropriate. That's a bit trickier to do well, so be careful.) I think that really stressing how much you like mistakes tells her that you're not one of "those" parents. They want perfection, not learning.

Tell her what he likes to play with and that you really value his having time after school to play. This gives her an insight into his personality and stresses that you're not a pushy mom.

Of course, I wouldn't mention the possibility of afterschooling in the letter. (But if he does wind up being underchallenged in class, mentioning his afterschool playtime pursuits sets you up for a LATER discussion about why a lack of challenge is a problem--"to keep him happy, I'm having to teach him at home, and he's missing out on play time..." Planning ahead!)

If you want another pair of eyes to look at a draft for you, I'm happy to help. I might as well get some use out of this English degree!

Kriston, I like your idea of telling her that I like DS to make mistakes. In fact, I just had a conversation with DS yesterday about how important mistakes are in learning. I told him that I have 2 expectations of my new student-in-training at work; that she 1. ask lots of questions and 2. make mistakes.

And thanks for the offer for reading the draft! I just might take you up on it once I get out of overwhelm mode and just do it.

Well, I appreciate the credit, but if you look back at what you wrote, it was really YOUR idea about the mistakes!

BTW, I just revealed to you my standard trick as a writing tutor: ask the person what she wants to say, tell her what she said, and then accept heaps of praise for making so much sense and for being so helpful. I was actually called a "genius" by more than one person...for mirroring exactly what they told me in the exact same words!

People are funny things!

A further BTW: this is a great trick for parents wanting to help kids with writing assignments. Ask the child what he wants to say, and record his responses. Ask questions to clarify whatever you don't understand, but write down only his words, not yours. Then read back what you wrote. 99 times out of 100, the child will be amazed at how much sense what you read back makes. But it's all the child's work. It's also a strategy that they learn to do for themselves with practice, so you aren't making the child reliant upon you. It's tutoring in the truest sense of the word: teaching someone the skill of thinking and writing, rather than telling them what to think and write.

And Jool, you know where to find me...