Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion worrying about death

My ds, five on wednesday has always been excessively interested in death and heaven. Recently this has intensified and resulted in very vivid dreams and nightmares. He has always had vivid dreams and only sleeps for seven hours. This morning he described lying down and holding his cousins hand and floating up through the atmosphere into heaven. He was very descriptive. Is this common to gt or should I be concerned?

He also questions extensively on all things to do with religion and the meaning of life.

He is otherwise very happy, if a real handful.

Hmmm... I think it's pretty common for GT kids to have early concerns about death, though the dreams are something we haven't dealt with.

If it were just death, I'd recommend a book ... and I'll recommend it anyway, in case you find it helpful. It's called "Lifetimes," and my ds6 loved it when he was first thinking about death (he was 4). It's very gentle but matter-of-fact; all living things have lifetimes, and when their special lifetime is over, they die. It goes through animals and plants and then people, explaining that usually people live until they are 70 or 80, but occasionally someone is so sick or gets so hurt that their bodies can't live anymore, and then they die.

Here's the Amazon link if you want to check it out; we got ours used:

http://www.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Bry...mp;s=books&qid=1220289325&sr=8-1

It's completely nondenominational, though, and doesn't deal with the afterlife or religion at all, which is what we wanted. The meaning of life and heaven, though, may be a little trickier to deal with.

As to the meaning of life, you may want to discuss some of the most famous kind people -- Jesus, Mother Theresa, Ghandi. Even though we're not religious at all, we still point to these people as model people, who were very kind to all and used their lives to help others.

Has someone died recently, even a pet? That can increase the interest. Are you regular organized religion attenders? I know in the Catholic church there are a lot of reference to floating up to heaven ... I wonder if religion is actually fueling his fears rather than allaying them. I can see *that* happening easily with a GT child.

I went through a period of that when I was about four or five--existential concerns, nightmares--especially after I started Sunday School. My parents checked out books for me dealing with death and the meaning of life (religious and nonreligious), and the nightmares gradually stopped (still interested in the meaning of life, though). If you're religious, perhaps an adult Bible class could be useful (especially if his questions come up in 5-y-o Sunday School!)...

I would definitely look into books that deal with this issue. Sometimes it's better for the child to hear it from a child-oriented book than from the parents because it can be described in a more general manner and not "sugar-coated."

I found for myself that these discussions forced me to think through what made sense to me and what I did and didn't believe. I realized that DS was astute enough that he could tell when I was bluffing. And when you are scared, realizing that your parent is bluffing is a scary thing. KWIM?

So part of the process is actually to figure out what makes sense to you and your understanding of the world. You don't have to know the answers, but be comfortable with something even if it is just accepting mystery. Once that is figured out, you can help your child much better.

My DD9 is an "old soul", a philosophical child that can get stressed out by death or other topics she reads about and then ponders it for a long time. She wonders about her purpose in life, why people hurt others and about different religions to name a few. I wish I had great answers to give to her as a topic comes up, but I find that talking about them with her openly leads her to reconcile them in her mind.

I read a book titled "Little Big Minds" that has been a wonderful resource. I have used some of the philosophy lessons to discuss a topic with DD or to spark a new conversation. I found that she is curious and looks to adults to have the answers. She has been happy to know that life is a journey and even adults seek answers to these big questions in life.

Jen

I agree acs. That was the hardest part when my DS(now 8) began obsessing about death. I think he was four-about to turn five- when it all started. He would lay in bed at night and dwell on it until he could not fall asleep. I remember him saying things like, "What is the point of life if we are going to die anyway?" He was so very upset by the whole thought. It was a very difficult discussion to have since we do not attend church and are not particularly religious. We did not have any deaths in the family, and I never understood where this fear came from.

I could tell at the time that he was not buying the whole heaven and choirs of angels story and I wondered whether he was intuitive enough to pick up on my doubts on the subject. We finally had a very long discussion about how different religions had different ideas about death, from heaven to reincarnation. I thought the doubt and uncertainty surrounded death would confuse him and cause him to become more afraid of it. But after our discussion and my confession that no one knows what happens when you die, he pretty much accepted the uncertainty of it.

DS has always worried about very far-reaching topics. He is an only child, and yet became very worried when he was 4 about how he would know how to change diapers when he was a father. He also, in the same time frame, became very concerned that he did not know who he was going to marry when he grew up, or where he would live. He started scouting out houses for sale on our street at age four, so that he could envision himself living there (near us) when he grew up and got married. And he has been actively planning his eagle scout project ever since he first encountered the idea in a cub scout meeting.

I have learned through experience to just take his worries seriously and let him work his way through them. Somehow, they are all part of how he processes his view of the world and his place in it.

When DS7 was about 3.5 and the preschool class's guinea pig died, followed closely by DS's 90yo great-grandfather's death, he got really interested in death.

Since I don't believe in choirs of angels, I had a hard time knowing what to tell him. Ultimately, we went with biology: bodies become elements in the soil that plants and animals reuse, and life goes on. I also told him that since we don't know what "causes" life in the first place, we don't really understand what happens when life ends, but that I think some part of us lives on. The combination seemed to work for him. He got past it without being too bothered by it.

He's a very logical child, though. I don't know if talking about decomposition is going to ease the minds of most kids...

From the replies, I see that most of your kids start to think abt death at abt 4-5yo?

DS8 went through that phase too. When he was 4yo, he started talking abt it. He became very worried when he knew that he would have to serve the army when he is older. To him, it means he has to go to war and he will die. It affected him so much that no form of explanation can help to alleviate his fear until we had to postpone talking abt the army for awhile. When he had his first nose bleed (also at 4yo), he cried non-stop as he thought he was dying.

Now we talk about death as it is part of life... as in all living things die and we go back to earth.

Thanks for all your replies

He has been going on about death and the meaning of life since he was about three and a half and it reaches a peak each time he hears of a death. Nobody has died recently as far as I am aware. We have covered it, or so I thought, with books and discussions. But he is just not satisfied. I dont feel that he is ready emotionally to hear to the answers to some of his more probing questions.

I posted here before about his obsession with numbers and about a year ago he was constantly asking people he had met how old they were. As I had tried to fob him off with telling him that people died when they were a hundred he would then tell them how old he would be when they died. We did get some odd looks.

We are regular church goers and I have had to remove him from the service at times as he is obsessed with and upset by the easter story. This has been since he was two and first came across it. I do try to skirt around the truth when covering subjects that I feel he is not emotionally ready for. Is this what I should do?

He has always been outspoken and observant and asks very intrusive questions in public.

At what age should this interest in death be happening in children?