Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Aspergers or just Quirky

A little background:

DS13 was identified as PG at 8 years old. He struggles with executive functioning and his grades as an 8th grader is not great (Cs and Bs), due to poor organization, missing and late assignments and generally not caring about quality of work.

DS likes to share his happiness but he does not share his emotions when he is vulnerable, not even with me. He does not trust people easily, he likes to do school projects on his own if he has a choice. He is awkward with people they does know well. He does not like to be hugged or touched. He can be rude and inflexible, especially with parents. It got better as we tries not to trigger him.

He has a very strict definition about friends and acquaintances. There are very few kids he will call friends. However, he loves to socialize. He is always the last one to leave swimming practice as he needs to talk with people while taking showers. He always talks with peers in-between debate rounds. I closely observe him on one to one social situations as well as we carpool with a girl from his school. he is able to chat about the school, video games, talk about other kids and so forth. The conversations seem very natural and they are comfortable with each other. Although he would not call this girl a friend.

He is passionate about debate, doing extensive research, organizing the papers, carefully dressing himself before the tournaments and winning awards.

We went to see a Psychologist primarily for his EF issues. We met with The Psychologist for a 30 min session and a 60 min session, mainly for the Psychologist to chat with DS about his school, friends, interests and etc. after these two sessions, the Psychologist told me that he suspected DS might have Asperger's aside from EF issues for the couple of red flags
1. lack of trust for people
2. talking at a high level when asked about certain topics
3. his challenges with his English teacher (long story short: DS thinks his English teacher is unfair as he wasn't given sufficient time to speak as compared with her "favorite" students. DS can be inflexible when he thinks he is right and opponent is wrong during a debate and can appear rude)

He says DS displays 70% of the characteristics of Asperger's. He went on commenting about DS's future career goal as a lawyer and said DS needs to work on his communication skills to be able to do well in law profession otherwise, he will just be someone work in the background handling technical stuff. He also commented about Asian community (We are Asian)that a lot of people are very smart but their accomplishments in career are not as great due to their communication skills. While there is some truth to it in some cases and I don't want to deny the importance of communication skills, but I found these comments not professional.

At the end of day, I am frustrated and confused. I want to get DS help on executive functioning so that he can reach his full potential in academics. I am not ready to deal with bigger issues as DS seems to functioning well despite some quirkiness and a bit of underachieving. Am I in denial or I should trust my instincts? DS has complete buy-in of getting an academic coach so he is willing to see him every week. It's me having huge doubts of all these.

My son is younger than yours, he's 8, and he has an autism diagnosis. I think one thing to think of is what type of therapy could be helpful to him. For us, my son was diagnosed at age 5, and has been doing ABA therapy. Right now, they're working through this book called 100 Social Rules for Kids. It's mainly for kids in middle school I think. But the therapist works on these social rules, and they work on practicing them. For me, I'm glad that he has the diagnosis, because ABA therapy is covered under our Kaiser insurance. For an older kid, I'm not sure what type of therapy is helpful. Did the psychologist recommend any further testing? Is that something that you want to pursue?

We should get your DS together with my DD13. Except for the fact that she does well in EF, they have a lot in common:

- DD often bottles up her negative emotions, although she'll usually share them with me after a day or two.
- She is guarded and reticent when meeting new people. This has been an observable behavior since she was an infant. She prefers to observe and get a sense of a person before engaging.
- She is outgoing and extroverted, but odd about who she calls a friend. We've had multiple discussions about this. She'll tell me she has no friends, and then she'll tell me about the kid she was teasing mercilessly, or the one she picked up and wrestled with, all in good fun in both cases. And I tell her that if these kids are cool with her doing these things, there is only one reason: she was granted the special privileges attendant to being regarded as a friend.

In my completely unprofessional opinion, depending heavily on unreliable personal experience, I suggest that the Psych's analysis of Asperger's is based on socio-cultural differences and not on psychological differences.

- She is guarded and reticent when meeting new people. This has been an observable behavior since she was an infant. She prefers to observe and get a sense of a person before engaging.

- She is outgoing and extroverted, but odd about who she calls a friend. We've had multiple discussions about this. She'll tell me she has no friends, and then she'll tell me about the kid she was teasing mercilessly, or the one she picked up and wrestled with, all in good fun in both cases. And I tell her that if these kids are cool with her doing these things, there is only one reason: she was granted the special privileges attendant to being regarded as a friend.

He is often times not himself in certain new situations, but not all. When he tries to impress, his behavior reflects his lack of self confidence. He makes faces, is loud or talk excessively, as was evident in the previous Psych session.

what you described about your daughter in social situations is similar to what I have seen with my son. I don't think he feels lonely. there are always kids he can chat with in different groups, orchestra, debate team, lunch tables and swimming team. he also chats endlessly with kids online about work or other things. He is keenly aware of these circles and know his position in these circles. However, he doesn't really go out and play with friends.