Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Gifted teacher told me my child is a LAZY

My DS9 always gets his homework done on time and often does it without my asking him to do it. This past week I met with his gifted teacher. She told me that she knows he's capable but he's a bit lazy and sometimes just does the bare minimum.

Her comment really bothers me, especially coming from the gifted teacher. I don't believe children are lazy but rather there are other reasons for the behavior. I don't think labeling a child's behavior as laziness is helpful.

Has anyone had success with changing a teacher's perception of their child as "lazy"? If so what did you do? I'm open to any other comments on the subject of "lazy" gifted kids.

She's the only gifted teacher in the school so DS is going to have her again next year.

I agree that labelling the child as lazy is counter-productive when he just might not interested in the material or being adequately challenged.

But, and it's a tough question, is he doing the bare minimum?

I sometimes volunteer in my DS's classroom. I have seen the teacher giving them timed math activities in the classroom as well as on the desktop (like with the xtramath app). Some of the kids are not that focused or fast, as much as the teacher would expect. I am not sure but I assume this could be the case. Does she send you the classwork home once a week or so? From that, you can get some idea on whether he is completing everything in the classroom too. If she is not sending, please ask to see.

One technique when presented with any type of negative feedback, critique, or criticism is to ask for more information, using gently probing questions... such as:
- would you give me some examples?
- under what circumstances do you see this behavior?
- how frequently do you see this behavior?
Listen attentively. And take notes. Thank them for sharing their feedback.

Then ask, is there anything else?

When you have received confirmation they have exhausted their arsenal (and not before), then make one simple statement which pleasantly counters the negative... such as, "That's interesting, because at home he is intellectually curious and highly motivated. I wonder what it could be about the classroom learning environment which is causing you to see him differently." Notice that you refer to them seeing him differently... not to him behaving differently.

Again, you are wise to say this only after receiving confirmation that they have told you every bit of negative feedback that they have... in order to avoid going back-and-forth in countering each other's statements... which tends to escalate into argument rather than focus on working together for the benefit of the child.

Then carefully observe the reaction/reply/response. After hearing your statement, if they have more negatives to share, once again pleasantly ask for examples, circumstances, frequency. Listen well. Take notes. Thank them. Ask them if there is anything more to share. Then pleasantly repeat your statement.

Now that the meeting is in the past, you could still engage in this type of conversation for clarification. For example, you could start the process by writing a pleasant e-mail as a follow-up to your meeting, thanking her for the feedback, saying you'd like to explore that feedback further, and asking your gently probing questions.

Some background information:
1) Kids who've been denied an appropriately paced and challenging curriculum will begin to coast... their brains change as a result of the lack of stimulation... they may become underachievers.
2) Kids may respond to messages they receive by becoming afraid to make a mistake, to ask a question which reveals they don't know something, etc. They may procrastinate, become anxious... and become underachievers.
3) It is also possible that there is no problem... but that the school is engaged in a research study and is evaluating what occurs when various messages are given to various groups of kids and/or their parents.

Stay alert. Be pleasant. If you do not observe a lack of motivation in your child, my advice would be not to share the teacher's message with your child. At least not until you've
1) read up on underachievement,
2) had "the talk" to gather more information from the teacher,
3) encouraged your child to talk with you about his daily observations on experiences and interactions in the classroom.

I’m going to take a different approach from the other posters and suggest that the teacher’s comment could be perversely positive.

At its root, the comment shows the teacher is at least aware that your child is dialing in effort relative to potential, and sees that as being problematic. That alone is light years ahead of most teachers, who seem surprised that gifted kids aren’t delighted to move in lockstep to the prescribed drudgery of age-linked work. Perhaps it’s tactless, and it could be conflating laziness with withdrawal, but it’s a step in the direction of awareness of gifted needs. Use that toehold to your advantage! Listen carefully, ask questions about what the teacher is observing, and sit with the feedback before providing a solution. The answer may be in the feedback. And if it isn’t, you’ll be armed to respond because you hauled in the teacher’s perspective.

Best of luck! Let us know how it goes.

(One little note: I’d want to be clear about how the teacher is labelling my child and communicating those perceptions directly to the child. Teachers’ comments, by dint of the authority behind them, carry outsized weight in children’s minds.)

I'll go ahead and be contrary to the OP and say that sometimes, yep, kids are lazy.

I'd want a whole lot more information from the teacher before I started weighing in on whether this is worth talking about, though. If your DS is doing the minimum required... what does that mean? In what context? And if he's meeting expectations... where's the problem? If he's capable of doing more and you want to push him, then increase the expectations. Or if you want him to do more than the others, what are you offering him to make it worth his while?

It could be that the really lazy one here is the teacher. But again, there isn't enough information here to judge by.

My experience with my DYS DS9 is that he can be "lazy" and just does bare minimum sometimes. For example, in his writing class, he got a B in the first term. I asked the teacher why he got a B and what he needed to be improving on. The teacher said that she knows that he has the ability to produce much better work(he writes more descriptive and in more detail in creative writings). But many times, he just wrote short and simple sentences without putting in any effort. I had a talk with him and he improved in the second term and got an A this time.

So I agree with aquinas and Dude that you probably want to have the conversation with the teacher to find out more about why she had the conclusion that your DS is "lazy". You may find out that it could be the topic doesn't interest him or everything is still too easy in the gifted class that he doesn't think putting in full effort is necessary, or else.

I'm curious, what do you mean? It IS in his written responses in his reading workbook.

I think that spaghetti meant to say, "If the teacher put it in writing," not that the comment related to your child's writing. But it is worth looking at some of the posts on dysgraphia to see if they ring any bells for you - there are lots of them around here.

Good input above, some of mine will be repetitive.

But I'll be blunt (apologies, in advance)

If you're not going to believe development opportunities, negative observations, issues that a teacher provides, then why bother having the session?

If you don't believe the negative things, then why would you believe the positive things?

Why do you believe it's impossible for someone to be lazy?

Is he lazy? I don't know. But the teacher has provided that observation. Unless you think the teacher is being mean for no reason, there's a valid observation to be explored.

Ask for examples, request specific observations, ask your son, get to the truth and try to address it.

Perhaps your son is bored. There are two possible outcomes:
1 - convince the teacher to change her mind and don't change the classwork
2 - Figure out what will better stimulate him with better opportunities, change the classwork, and improve the learning.

Other underlying issues have the same options - change perception or do something about it.

I think the latter is a better objective. I've developed very good relationships with gifted teachers over the years. I'd much rather have a coach than a cheerleader.