Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Would you push for child's friend's grade skip?

It's not as bad as it sounds, I promise!

DD6, young for grade, is currently a first grader in a split 1/2 classroom that was configured due to a teacher shortage, so 5 1st graders (3 of whom are red shirted girls) in a classroom with 24 second graders.

The teacher has wanted to put DD6 with the second graders since about Christmas. I refused at the time, since DD was just about finding her feet among the cozy little group of 4 first grade girls. However, I told her to give DD second grade work as she saw fit, and suggested that she might advance to third grade the following year, mentioning she might form a little group with one of the red shirted girls who I knew was doing very well, too. The teacher agreed that there might be another candidate for acceleration but the one she was very sure about already being a right fit was DD.

A few weeks ago, both DD6 and Friend7 were given a cursive and a multiplication workbook to complete till summer in view of possible acceleration into third. Around that time, there was a parent teacher evening my husband went to, at which the school explained that they were not planning to continue split grade classrooms but form regular 2nd and third grade classrooms depending on teacher availability. DH says, that at the end of this meeting, Friend7's mom discussed Friend7's and DDs possible acceleration in full earshot of other parents, insisting that she'd consent to the acceleration only on the condition that the teacher (who everyone is very happy with with the exception of the new principal) was looped for third grade as well (which, again, every body would be very happy with except for the new principal, so this has not been confirmed).

Now of course, the gossip mill is churning, and I have had to tell DD6 about what's been suggested. DD6 says that, while she'd be sad to leave her other first grade friends, she wants to go - on the condition that Friend7 goes, too! (I did tell her that of course it was not our call).

Friend7, while of course academically suitably advanced, is also redshirted and already plays mostly with the second graders, DD6 being on of the exceptions. A no brainer IMO, but Friend7's mom, who I like a lot, really wants her kids old for grade (not so much for academic reasons but because they are sensitive and anxious).

We have already been given the application form for the grade skip. I whatsapped friends7's mom and she says they haven't yet, but have a meeting today. I'll happen to see her this afternoon....

I know I know I know it's not my business, and my head says keep yr mouth shut and leave well alone, and of course I'd never do any *pushing*. But can you think of any nudging I might do in case she is still undecided this afternoon?

I'm not sure what I'm about to mention will be helpful -- I would think it might be most effective to work with what the mother already wants and believes, and from what you wrote she wants her daughter old-for-grade.

However generally, as regards acceleration/on-time/red-shirting for girls, here are a couple of thoughts, looking forward into the daughter's future:

(1) There's been quite a bit of research on timing of puberty vs. girls' self-esteem/body-image/susceptibility-to-dating-violence etc. And keep in mind that very frequently girls are developing by the end of fifth grade nowadays -- so this may be coming upon your daughters a LOT sooner than the friend's mother may be anticipating! (Talk to fifth grade teachers and take a look yourself at the fifth grade girls at your kid's school and how they change from the beginning to end of the year.) Generally, the research tends to show that girls are happiest when they are "in the middle to slightly late" in developing, and most unhappy/at risk if they are early developers (possibly excepting African-American girls who navigate the pubertal transition with much less drop in self-esteem).

The friend's ethnicity, weight status, family history of pubertal age, and whether or not she lives with her biological father in the house can all affect pubertal timing, so maybe this will or won't be an issue for her.

In contrast, for boys it's cool to develop early, and the most unhappy/at-risk boys are those who develop late.

So to me, this is one reason why red-shirting boys makes more sense for boys than for girls: for boys, early development is all good, but for girls, the greater mental maturity and physical development for sports coming with old-for-grade has to be balanced against the potential social and psychological costs of being an "early developer" among grade peers.

Perhaps the mother might be open to considering this trade-off: even if keeping her daughter old-for-grade is working great right now, will her daughter have to pay for it with extra stress later as an "early developer", maybe even at age ten in fourth grade? If skipping to match the daughter with age-mates is feasible now, it may avoid some grief later.

(2) A common belief is that kids will all end up pretty much the same place anyhow, that doing something one year sooner or not doesn't matter, so why "rush" them with a grade-skip? Counteracting that belief are studies such as Park, Lubinski, and Benbow "When Less is More: Effects of Grade Skipping on Adult STEM Productivity Among Mathematically Precocious Adolescents", which indicate that acceleration for the very gifted (more so for boys than girls) doesn't just put kids inline to achieve the same milestones a year earlier as adults, but rather puts kids inline to achieve significantly more overall as adults -- that the "small" acceleration of a grade-skip as kids sets them on a much higher achieving track in the long-term. A grade-skip is a very individual decision. But it may be helpful to be aware that there are indications that grade-skipping, when appropriate, can indeed result not merely in moving forward at the regular speed just one year earlier, but rather can result in achieving significantly more throughout adult life.

In a word, NO.

Not your daughter, not your concern.

No. If she asks, you can provide information resources or perspective, but don't push and don't tie it to your own decision. If for whatever reason, they don't like their decision, do you want it being blamed on you?

In these situations, I think we as parents have to make the best reasonable call for our own children. In your shoes, I would be separating this friend going or not from what's best overall for your daughter. Could a trial run be an option? It would seem like your DD may realize she's ready for third grade but is using "I'll only go if friend goes" to calm some nerves about it.

No. Ditto to Connecting Dots advice.

I'd also add that having lived through puberty with my 3 children and with quite a few friends, I haven't seen early puberty be a huge issue for the girls I've known who've gone through it with re to grade level peers - the key factor was more the support of adults in the lives of the pre-teens and their peers. Equally challenging as experiencing puberty before peers can be the challenge of navigating middle school and puberty-related issues of peers when you're younger - there is not going to be any "one answer" pointing to either accelerate or don't accelerate, but instead a whole world full of "what ifs" and "this could happen if you choose option ___".

The thing is - we all see the world through our own eyes. We also, as parents, know our children better than anyone else, as well as we're familiar with what's best for our whole family, not just one of our children. Your dd's friend's parents will make the best decision for their child and their family. You need to trust them on that, not worry about the friend, and instead help your dd see that a skip can work (if that's what she wants) with or without the friend in the same class.

Best wishes,

polarbear

Thanks so much everyone for your input!

We had a very candid discussion over tea and cake while the kids played (well considering we've known one another less than a year it didn't feel quite appropriate to get into our families histories of puberty onset) and while friend7s mom said she needed to have a hear to heart with her husband that night, the teacher apparently had one argument that pretty much swayed her

Teacher apparently pointed out that the regular second grade classrooms next year will be dominated by the 27 kids who made up one big messy first grade classroom this year, and who are allegedly working light years behind the 10 first graders who were in the two split grade classrooms, even those for whom a grade skip isn't in the cards. So the prevailing need next year will be for the other kids to catch up, and the little group from the split grade classroom who is doing so well won't get much attention. We agreed that going to second grade under these circumstances might feel like being retained rather than be promoted.

Interestingly, the teacher apparently also said that if any parent made any negative comments to her face to simply refer them to her, which friend7s mom confessed herself very surprised about - why should anyone make snarky comments about a child's grade skip? Well, I've fielded them all in my life at one point or another, and I was fair and open enough to explain what she might have to deal with, and gave my own tips: be candid about your initial reluctance so no one feels the need to dump all their own negative opinions on grade skips to take you down a peg, put it all on the teacher (who in all fairness did push for both girls to skip) and the unusual split grade situation, which sort of tends to produce occasional grade skips as unintended by products.

We also talked about our children's sensitivities and anxieties and appropriate challenge versus being overwhelmed, and how being bored and unengaged in a second grade classroom wouldn't help.

I thought she'd more or less come around on her on already, and I was merely confirming from my own experience. And apparently, friend7 is the one pushing now, so unless dad gets in a veto, I expect both girls to be allowed to skip.

I'm glad it's working out for you, Tigerle.