Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Dealing with giftedness and OEs in marital context

I've read stacks of invaluable books, like Living with Intensity, that are aimed at helping parents deal with the intensity and over-excitabilities of their gifted kids, but is there a similar guide out there to help spouses understand and deal with the OEs of their extremely gifted significant others? The parenting books are useful, but only up to a point.

The SENG website has an article: Can You Hear The Flowers Sing?, Issues for gifted adults.

A few ideas:
1) I would think it would be important for the individual with OEs to understand OEs and his/her role in managing them; It is not their fault, but it is their responsibility... I'm thinking of the words of wisdom shared by Platypus101, copied in this old post.
2) I would think it would also be important for the individual with OEs to understand the difference between NEEDS and WANTS and that while the spouse/family cares for the individual and will sacrifice/strive to meet NEEDS, it is unrealistic to have all WANTS met.
3) I would think that the adult OEs ought not to rule all family matters and decisions, as though constantly catering to one spouse lest they stage a tantrum or have a meltdown.

A few more potential resources:
There are little-known blogs and websites about gifted adults, including High Ability.

Here on the Davidson Gifted Issues Forums, there is a forum dedicated to gifted adulthood. I may add a thread in that Gifted Adult forum, pointing to this thread in the General Discussion Forum. As the Gifted Adult forum is less busy and has fewer posts than forums focused on our children's gifted education, to see all posts in the Gifted Adult forum: Under Display Options, for the prompt Show Topics, choose the value "from all dates", then press the "Change" button.

This is not focused on over-excitabilities specifically, but there are websites with support tips for a partner of an adult with high-functioning autism... some of the ideas may apply.
1) Asperger Partner
2) Families of Adults Affected by Asperger's Syndrome (FAAAS)
3) SALVE tipsheet by FAAAS

It seems that an enterprising author could conduct a thorough literature review and publish a brief book or guide on forging/maintaining a positive relationship with an OE spouse.

I look forward to reading other replies!

OE is not unique to gifted individuals, but the terminology is. You can find more resources by looking at the more common names for the same experience.

Highly Sensitive Person
Openness to Experience

Studies estimate 50% of gifted individual have OE, while 30% of the general population does. I also had found abstracts to studies comparing OE to ADHD symptoms.

There's significant overlap with ADHD symptoms, so if what you're experiencing as OE is *distressing* and causing marital conflict, you may want to explore medical causes.

There are many things which can cause ADHD symptoms! I have ADHD diagnosis with unconvincing neuropsychology to support it. I'm waiting for formal diagnosis, but I appear to have a disorder of the autonomic nervous system which causes the ADHD symptoms among other oddities. My BIL has ADHD symptoms, but caused by traumatic brain injury. My niece has ADHD symptoms, but she has/had lead poisoning.

If you're doubtful but curious of the ADHD symptom angle, try the book "The ADHD Effect on Marriage." It's fascinating book just from armchair psychology angle, but explains both sides of the dynamics which happen a spouse has difficulty with self-regulation and executive functioning.

Dabrowski's OE are an excerpt of an old work taken out of context. They're not evidence-based and are mired down with some moral superiority stuff that makes my skin crawl, quite frankly. I think they're misapplied when people see OE as fixed traits which are distressing. The beauty of other points of view on intensity of experiences is there is relief when it's no longer a good thing.

Note: I use the abbreviation OE ambiguously. I understand readers will think of Dabrowski's OverExcitability, but I'm thinking of Openness to Experience. Both explain the same thing. Dabrowski's OE has subtle layers of meaning, Openness to Experience is simpler, evidence-based, and widely accepted outside of the gifted community.

You know, a few years ago, I first learned about "self-regulation" and "executive function."

At the time, I think I said to myself, you know, I think I would have gotten a lot more out of college if I had had some of this "executive function" and "self-regulation" stuff. It looks kind of helpful.

This was also when I discovered that corporate law firms prefer that their young attorneys have "executive function" and "self-regulation".

I really did have the most fascinating performance reviews over the years. I still think about them today. They are works of art.

Thanks for the thoughtful responses.

I am not familiar with the Openness to Experience OE, but I will look into it.

I also didn't have anything like tantrums or meltdowns in mind, but rather how to bridge the gap in understanding and empathy when one person in a relationship can hear the flowers sing and the other knows for certain that "singing flowers" is nonsense. "Owning" the difference still leaves one person crazy, alone or both.

Every time I buy a bag of M&M's I just eat the entire bag.

Mmmmmm. They are so, so good. I like the peanut butter ones.

Ooh! I like the peanut butter ones, too. Unfortunately, I can't really eat them under most circumstances, so as to avoid killing a member of my family. (Most of the time, I want this person to stay alive.) So there's a good inhibition exercise.

LOL!

I'm the singing flowers type in my marriage, and it can get a little rocky sometimes. Yes, it leaves both of us feeling alone sometimes. But that's okay. We've learned that we can't be each other's "everything." My hermitty hubby can't rely on me for social everything and emotional me can't rely on him for existential conversations. Marriages take villages too! I have my "singing flowers" tribe, my emotional-existential tribe, etc, as part of a support system a.k.a. village. Truth is, needs have to be met - and one person isn't going to fulfill all your needs.

I suggest reflecting on times you felt alone or crazy to look for patterns. When you recognize the pattern, you can choose to act or think differently to avoid conflict or feelings of isolation.

Here is an article which may be of interest:
Gifted Children and Adults - Neglected Areas of Practice
National Register of Health Service Psychologists
by James T Webb, PhD
Spring, 2014

Dr. Webb was the founder of SENG, and is the founder and President of Great Potential Press.

I skimmed the Neglected Areas of Practice article, and this piece stuck out:

"Peer issues continue into adolescence and adulthood, and are relevant to socializing, relations with coworkers, dating, marriage, and family. A relevant and helpful concept for bright adults is that of an intellectual “zone of tolerance.” That is, in order to have a long-lasting and meaningful relationship with another person (whether in friendship or a romantic relationship), that person should be within about plus or minus 20 IQ points of one’s ability level (Jensen, 2004, personal communication). Outside of that zone, there will be significant differences in thinking speed and depth or span of interests, which likely will lead to impatience, dissatisfaction, frustration, and tension on the part of each participant. Others have found that people who marry each other or become friends are usually within about 12 IQ points of each other (Ruf, 2012). When one is highly or profoundly gifted, the difficulty of finding someone similar increases."

As crude and distasteful as it is to think of relationships in these terms, I think there is something to this. Even without having the scores, my spouse and I both readily recognize that we're closer to a 20+ gap than 12 and that that gap is a real barrier to understanding and empathy. Just the fact that "giftedness" literature seems to explain all the mysteries of the universe to me and falls flat with my spouse feels like both a symptom and cause of the problem.