Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Incentives

A month ago, I mentioned about getting DD to practice. Incentives were mentioned. Since she emptied her piggy bank of the last $2 for princess things out of the vending machine, we offered $0.25 for every book she read (we had specific Scholastic BOB books). But then she found 2 quarters on the boardwalk and then another at swim camp and no books were read.

Then she mentioned today that she wanted a violin for her birthday. I said that she hasn't shown us that she is willing to do the practice as she wasn't reading like she said she would. She said she would read a book now. Took a level 2 book out of the box and just read it. Though whenever I try and get her read to me it was like she was struggling.

I hate the incentives but it is bizarre how she could just read this book but when I sit with her she says it is too hard and wants to do something else a lot. DH reads at least 2 non fiction books a week and I read regularly so she sees us reading. We have always read to her quite a bit and we will read about 5 of her books a day to her. Maybe she justs likes it when we read to her. Sometimes I find her "reading" one of her Barbie Learn to read books in bed in the morning. But sitting with me and getting her to read is hard.

Ren

Ren - we have gone through this too, with the reading. I posted awhile back on this very issue, but can't find it. I gave up on worrying about it too much. I have now come to the conclusion that DS4 is learning to read without my help through being read to and playing computer games. I always make him read chapter titles, though, and I always am surprised when he knows a word I didn't think he would. We continue to read to DS, and when he feels like it, DS reads a bit too. I'll sometimes say, "i'll read more, but you have to help by taking turns reading pages." Do you let your DD pick out her own books at the library? I've heard that helps for some kids (not mine - he still wants us to read to him).

As to incentives, I am guilty. I got some singapore math books because DS was upset that he couldn't do some of the math games on his educational software. He was interested at first, but now not so much. (I'm thinking the problem is that we haven't gotten to the "new" material yet, but i wanted to start at the beginning for a foundation.) Anyway, he's been begging for more indiana jones lego sets, and i told him if he did a little of his math each day i'd get him a set. I think I cave a little too easily (i like legos too)... Maybe quarters would work - that would be much cheaper!

I know this is difficult issue to decide what to do. Part of me doesn't like pushing her, but this violin business has been a while and we did investigate in January. They thought she had the ability but wanted to start the piano.

We want to see some discipline and are using the reading before we make a commitment to music lessons. This fall we are starting with group piano, not requiring daily practice.

Also, after she got the quarter and we put a sticker on that book, she was very pleased with herself. So we want to reinforce the practice as a really good thing. So the incentives seem to work as an accomplishment. Just reading the book does not.

Part of that is that I try always to applaud the practice and not the achievement, so I can read doesn't have kudos attached. And I have had a lot of support here for praising the effort, not the accomplishment. But at some point, they should have pride they can do the accomplishment.

Any comments on my last paragraph would be appreciated.

Ren

This is only my very limited experience talking, but it may speak to your situation:

DS3 loves books. Really loves them. And he also LOVES to be read to. I find that when it is a story he has heard or read before, he is a lot less likely to want to be the "reader", preferring to snuggle up and have me read to him. When using a familiar book, I get him to read by taking turns...I read one page, then he reads the next. We read as a team.

In fact, my mother is a literacy specialist and gave me some books designed for this very thing. They are called We Both Read books and they are designed with parts for parents to read and parts for the kids. Link is here:

We Both Read book series

If I really want him to read all by himself, I go to the library (just did this last night) and get some new books. He cannot resist new books. I tell him he can read his new books, but I won't be reading with him until he reads on his own. Works like a charm every time.

That's what we do in my house and both methods really work to get him reading on his own. But the "buttons" to push on each kid are so different that I don't know if these same things will work for your daughter. Just some suggestions.

Good luck!

Well, my initial thought is that SHE should have pride she can do the accomplishment. That isn't something that YOU give to her. You know?

Self-pride doesn't come from outside, it comes from doing something hard and succeeding. It comes from within. If you praise her for success, then she is not experiencing self-pride, she's experiencing YOUR pride in her. Two different things.

As long as you're praising her when she does things that are hard for her, she'll get that self-pride.

One thought: just be sure you're really praising effort--hard work! Too many parents these days (maybe not you) praise every little thing their kids do, no matter how easy or small. IMHO, that doesn't cut it because it waters down the praise. They know when we're BSing them!

So if it's easy for her, don't praise it. But if she tackles something that she really doesn't want to do or has trouble doing, heap on the very specific praise: "Wow! That was hard for you, but you stuck with it. Doesn't it feel good to do something that you thought you couldn't do? I'm proud of you for not giving up! Are you proud of yourself?" That sort of thing.

I often ask my kids if they're proud of themselves, and I stress that while it's nice if I'm proud of them--and I am--what really matters is how they feel about themselves. It seems to work pretty well.

FWIW...

Thanks for the link. We are serious library goers and last year we did many of the books like Henry and Mudge, which have step level reading stages. So she would choose many books. But she started choosing books that were too hard for her to read and just wanted us to read them to her.

Though the Step into Reading Barbie books I got at Costco are coveted.

Thanks Kriston. I understand what you are saying and I try and follow that line and I also tell her when she shows me something easy and wants praise, I might say that was easy for her. Like standing close and dunking a basketball, and asking her to practice where it is harder.

But like anything, it seems she has to choose when she pushes herself to work. I posted elsewhere where she has pushed herself and she pushed herself on the bicycle this summer, where she wouldn't on the tricycle in years past. Or swimming, she is fearless in the ocean or diving into the pool.

And she started reading at 2.5 and before 3 she pushes herself more. I think the novelty is over and it is just work with words she has to do phonetically and she lacks patience.

I think that it is. Sorry for thinking as I write. Her patience during the middle, not the introduction of new things, but the middle where it is just the drudge work is not so exciting. But then she will sit down and do some work, ask for it. Practicing her writing, doing some math, spelling, a puzzle etc. I just don't know when.

But thank you for what you wrote. It made me think more closely.

Ren

Didn't mean to infer that reading to her was a problem, just commenting on the suggestion that she choose books at the library she wanted to read and she would be more inclined to read them.

The library is a wonderful mecca of information and she uses it that way. Not necessarily as just a place to find storybooks.

Hence, my comment. We are certainly happy to read the books to her, but I am trying to get her excited about reading herself. Maybe it will self-evolve, and since she is still 3, I should take a take a few breaths.

I am glad to start the thread as I liked Kriston's comment as it made me think about when she is proud of something. Not something I have focused on as a goal. And I think that is something that will be the ultimate motivator.

Ren

We went through this with our older one when we tried to get him read something he didn't care about. Our fault, we didn't realize at that time. DS4 went through a long stage where he would read with my husband but would stop as soon as he saw me. Fortunately he no longer does it.

We too take turns in reading, either one page each, sometimes he just reads the first paragraph and we read the rest of the page. He reads simple chapter books these days and does pretty good job.

I would think if your daughter started reading at 2, then BOB books at almost 4 are probably too easy and boring for her. She may need challenge as well as more substance. I say get different books, leave them lying around for a few weeks and see if she picks them up.

We too are starting piano with DS4. He will take private lessons but we signed him up for 8 lessons only. After that we should get a better idea if he is ready or not. I am worried that he is interested in it only because his older brother is starting piano too.

DD actually liked the Henry and Mudge books. Not the first level very much, but level 2.

And the BOB books are a little light in story, they are great for where she is in terms of reading on her own. And there are different levels there.

The Step Into Reading seem to work as they have Disney princess stories and now these Barbie fairy and princess stories. But after a couple of times, she does get bored with the story.


Tangent on the music lessons: This is the Russian method and they wanted 2 lessons per week, if you do the private. After a year of piano, she can start violin. We decided against that and doing group piano with a pretty good pianst at Lucy Moses School. If after a few months, he thinks she is ready, we will move to the private. When they suggested it in January, she wasn't even 3.5, goes to Montessori 9-3:30 M-F, has ballet and gymnastics. We thought it was too much (and she would never give up her ballet and gymnastics). But she keeps asking.

Ren

You know, DD6 started violin at four only because sister got to take piano and she wanted to take lessons. She wanted flute or violin, I thought violin was a little more reasonable. I'm glad now, I took a chance, I thought she was too young to start at the time.


DD6 started violin like a tornado, she was so hyped up about it. We rented a used violin and said what the heck. Later on, when it got hard and repetitive, she wasn't liking it so much. She did ask to quit several times. I knew that she wanted to quit because it was hard, not because she didn't like it. Also, she had perfectionistic tendencies and if she couldn't do it perfectly, she didn't want to do it at all. That's probably the real reason I didn't let her quit, and I did feel like a really mean mommy some days.

Flash forward to last week. Violin teacher tells us she's ready to go up a size in violin. We tell her that she gets to trade in her ratty old rental for a NEW violin! And even better, it's not a loan, we are buying her a new violin and she gets to pick it out herself. She beamed. We told her she earned it because she never really gave up even when it got hard. She stuck it out and now she can actually play. We made it a point not to tell her she earned it because she was actually good at playing.
She has a lot of pride now, in herself, and treats her violin as if it were very rare and delicate(even thought it's new, it's still a cheap student version!)