Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Hiding Abilities

Hi,

I'm looking for some advice on how to nip hiding one's gifts and skills in the bud. My 5 year old son started reading at age 3. After starting to read he lost interest for awhile but regained the interest about a year ago. At the moment my guess is he's reading at 2nd grade level. He can easily read lengthy passages at home and has developed several strategies for figuring out words he doesn't yet know. He enjoys reading at home and feels proud of himself.

Here comes the problem... at school (a very, very good preschool) he hides his abilities (notably reading and math) from the other kids and his teachers. Yesterday when I noticed he pretended that he couldn't read a simple 5 word sentence I asked him why. After some gentle probing he finally admitted "I have a secret, mommy. I don't want the other kids to know that I'm a good reader."

His teachers are aware that he's advanced and they are great. They don't know, however, JUST how advanced he is. For example, he's in the highest math group. Last week he came home with the daily note that said the kids in his group were introduced to the idea of fractions. Well, he has a firm grasp of fractions so I asked him if he knew what the teacher showed him or if it was new for him. He replied that it was simple stuff she showed them and he already knew it. I asked if he told the teacher so she could show him something new and he said "no, I didn't want to hurt her feeling."

I am a firm believer that things like love of learning, fear of failing, perfectionism, creativity, joy, kindness, challenging oneself and not hiding skills is perhaps more important to focus on at this age than academic skills. That's why this is important to me. I want to nip in the bud the idea that he has to hide his skills so he can fit in or not be challenged or not hurt someone's feelings.

Has anybody come across the same issue with a young one? Any ideas or suggestions as to how to help him?

THANKS!!!

OK-- well, this is advice from a parent whose child STILL does this for social reasons, and she's in college.

There are two varieties of social hiding of high ability, in my own experience:
1. hiding one's actual age, or "padding" it to make those who are older feel less uncomfortable with you. This goes through a low spot in early adolescence, but generally +/- 1-3y is within the realm of believable. DD doesn't LIE about her age-- but she lets others believe whatever they want, if that makes sense. This is the strategy employed by her as someone who has been accelerated 3-4y.

2. What your child is doing-- which is also sometimes termed "dumbing down" but is really about not wanting others to dislike them, not wanting to be the center of attention, not wanting to be socially isolated, and-- legitimately, (IMO) not wanting other people to feel BAD just because the person with such high ability actually exists.


Honestly, I'd acknowledge that the problem is real. THEN, and probably only then-- can you discuss what might be some "better" solutions to this problem.

This is a lifelong problem, and I think that you're right to be concerned about it.

One thing that DH and I (we're also HG+) have learned over the years is that only sharing PARTS of ourselves with others tends to be the way to go. That is, in a setting which is about, say... tying flies (totally made up)-- it's okay to be really really good at that thing, highly competent and almost obsessed-seeming. About that one thing. But don't chit-chat about much else with those people, in general... because when they learn that you're a polymath that is "that good" at everything ELSE, too-- that is when you turn into a space alien.

In some ways, while there is a limit to being pointy and acceptable, being well-rounded and at high LOG is less acceptable up to that point. Polymaths feel threatening to other people. Please don't try to deny this reality for kids-- the ones that are socially perceptive already know that it's true.

Examine the reality, and discuss costs and benefits for different solutions to that problem. For some kids, having a peer group that accepts them and embraces them is more important. As individuals, we all have to find out how much of our "real" selves we can be and live with the social consequences. We can't change the world. Only what we as individuals do in it.

This is an adult-sized problem that is foist upon HG+ children at very young ages. That is deeply unfortunate-- but it's the same basic problem that all adolescents have to wrestle with, developmentally, as they grow to become adults.

I don't know if that helps any-- but I'd caution parents NOT to deny a child's lived experiences and their autonomy about this choice. Just call it out, and discuss the consequences. Not all kids want to operate on par with their potential.

I feel that there is some cognitive dissonance in your post.
On the hand, you feel that the joy of learning, creativity, kindness etc are more important at this age than learning academic skills.
On the other hand, you have put him into a preschool you think is "very very good" which clearly places an emphasis on academics as opposed to a playbased, developmental approach - preschoolers expected to read five word sentences? "Highest math group" introducing fractions? Of course in this environments kids will already be hyper aware at preschool age of who is doing well in the areas that count and who does and does not fit in.
Your child is obviously socially very attuned and has realized that his mastering so easily stuff that other kids, very naturally at this age, are to struggling with or are developmentally unable to master at all at this age might make other kids feel bad or resentful, particularly if he is apprehensive the teachers might make a big deal out of it. He has also realized that his teachers expect him to be excited about "highest level math" and does not want to hurt their feelings...kind? Compassionate. Socially advanced? Check. Joy of learning? Uh, no. Not if, at this age, it already appears to be clearly set up as a competition.
There are a lot of things that annoyed me about my HG+ DS9's preschool, but the completely nonchalant way they accepted that my kid was a fluent reader at five impressed me - particularly as one of them said "wow, he's reading almost better than my third grader!" Said totally without rancor or envy - high marks for that one, think of the potential for resentment there. DS was not socially attuned at all, and did not mind showing all he knew to anyone who couldn't get away, but in preschool, it simply led to him reading to the little ones and every one being appreciative. Being a aplay based/developmental program, I did not expect them to in any way challenge him academically (frankly, they probably couldn't have), in fact he was there for the social experience, period.
So, that was us. You want different things for your kid out of his preschool experience, and I get that. However, it appears you chose a somewhat competitive academic experience (for preschool standards) and it turns out your kid doesn't want to compete for fear of hurting others feelings...and maybe also out of not wanting to perform for others, it's normal for kids that age to simply refuse. it does not sound so much like something to "nip in the bud" but to help him outgrow.
And I'd critically examine this preschools program and value system as to whether it really offers the growth you'd want for your kid.