Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Update - middle school

I posted about middle school troubles awhile back. I was hopeful as the AIG teacher was going to do a series of luncheons with DD10, and DD, I thought, had recently mentioned the word "friend". So wrong of me to get excited. The AIG teacher has not done as promised and even has not replied to an email. Then, yesterday, DD lost a science worksheet and completely melted down. Ultimately, the meltdown was not about science at all, but about mean girls at school. She just sobbed and sobbed. I hugged and hugged. So, several things:

- She shared that she didn't have anyone to call to get hold of another worksheet as she didn't have any friends.

-Kids are making fun of her about the books she brings to school. She is currently reading a graphic novel about Steve Jobs (multiple readings) plus a Basher Science book about physics (again, reads over and over). She claims the kids say snottily "That's an interesting book your are reading." She claims she will not bring books to school anymore. I found out there have been numerous instances of this book bashing.

-She is with one "nice girl" and one "mean" one for a science project. She stated she was surprised to learn the mean one did not know how to use a ruler so DD tried to help. The kids around her, she says, ganged up on her and told her to quit being mean. They would help the ruler girl. Now, DD is absolutely baffled when people don't understand what she takes to be so easy. She can have a bit of an "attitude" so I can see where this girl may have felt defensive when she told DD she was going to slap her. DD felt absolutely helpless and scared. She thinks the girl may hurt her later.

I just feel like a dog dropping her off at school - like I am sending her into a den of lions. Yet, I know that all is not bad because she can list some nice students. DD has heard that high school can be better, but as she sobbed "That's 3 years from now!!!!" I swear that there ought to be support groups for middle school parents.

I'm so sorry, it sounds like a nightmare. DD has periodic girl troubles (with one girl in particular), but I actually think some of it is dd's fault because she gets upset too easily. I just keep telling her that if she did anything wrong, apologize, and hope the other girl is mature enough to do the same. If not, is the girl really friend material? Focus on the girls who respect you and actually want to be your friend. You said your DD can name some nice girls. Tell her to focus her efforts on those girls. Eventually maybe she could get their phone number and talk on the phone.
When DD had the last episode with a certain girl, I waited about a week to see if the two of them could figure it out, and then when it appeared they wouldn't be able to, I emailed the teacher and suggested the teacher tell the girls "I noticed you two are having problems getting along lately. I think we should sit down and the two of you have a discussion about how things can be better." The teacher replied and said she had been planning on doing that but didn't get a chance. She sat the girls down and asked the other girl "What could be done to make things better?" and the other girl said "Nothing." Teacher sat them down again the next day and asked what they both expect in a friend, and then I guess they reconciled. Now they are friends again. DD was orignially horrified by the notion of getting the teacher involved, but I think there are ways to do it so that it doesn't look like your DD is a tattle-tale.

If it seems like nothing is going to improve, then figure out if it will be the same everywhere and your DD just needs some social skills training, or if it just that school and your dd's place in the hierarchy. I wouldn't keep her long-term in a situation where she's unhappy and there is little hope of improvement.

Is there any way you can withdraw her from this school and find one more accommodating to her interests and needs? Can you homeschool for the rest of the year? I, too, would be so worried dropping her off. It sounds horrible.

One of my boys is a proud nerd and even though I don't think he's weird (of course I don't-- I'm his parent!), it's possible other people do, and he would be the target of bullying at a normal school. We were able to find a charter school that's accelerated and full of nerdy kids like him who celebrate all the ways they're different from "normal" kids. My son had only two close friends in elementary and middle school, but now at this nerd high school, he's got a large social group and is very happy.

If there's not an alternative school nearby (ours isn't nearby, but it's worth the drive), perhaps you could do online school?

Kids can be so mean, and it can be so damaging. I just don't think kids should have to face constant bullying and meanness. I would turn mama bear and address it with the school or pull her out of there.

Is your daughter age appropriate to the grade she's in? Playing a bit of catch up here. Haven't been on this board for a long time. The issues are addressed differently for kids that are young.

I have a call out to a psych. whom I interviewed awhile back. DD is NOT going to be happy about trying therapy again, but on the other hand, she isn't happy where she is. At any rate, I can run all this past the psych. and get her response.

I checked out the charter schools ages ago - they just don't cater to accelerated/gifted kids. One of the charter school principals is very anti-acceleration, and the others stated that they work with the middle of the road kids. Can I say, "I don't know" about 3 times about online/homeschooling???!! The idea is good - and the reality scares me to death. I only work part time so it is feasible.

She is 10, and in middle school so 1-2 years younger than her classmates. I have wondered if she should have been accelerated yet she had friendship issues in grade school as well. She was told she was weird for things she said, and her 4th grade teacher refused to give her any advanced work. She currently is getting all A's in school plus is in an advanced math class.

Depending on where you are, it doesn't have to be therapy with a psych. We had reached out to a psych about DS6's social and emotional issues and she suggested that we try a few sessions with a child behavioural specialist with whom she frequently collaborated. This woman was nothing short of a miracle worker! It's sort of akin to CBT, but done in a very practical way. The objective is basically to coach your child to help them improve their social skills, and even just to be more successful with what skills they do have. So for instance, she would have worked with your DD on the ruler incident to provide her with the tools to better interact in those types of situations.

Unfortunately for us she has since retired and we haven't found anyone to replace her yet, but we love that approach. We credit her with guiding DS6 through most of the progress he has made thus far.

Makes my heart break because I was terribly bullied in junior high and I know of rough it is. BTW things did get better in H.S. but 3 years is a long time.

What I would do if I were you in GO INTO the office and demand to talk with the principal & AIG about the bullying. Since email's haven't worked you need to take in PERSON. Your daughter is clearly being bullied, this is more than just junior high girls being mean IMO. Most schools these days claim are anti-bulling but it's very very tricky because many times the kids doing the worst of is are as sweet as can be to the adults. And if they don't have an anti-bullying plan in place they need one ASAP.

I might also email teachers and ask nonjudgmentally what they are seeing in class as far as your DD interacting with others. DD recently had an issue with another child where I couldn't quite figure out what was going on, and DD could not explain, but they knew. Many teachers know exactly what's happening socially. We can't be that fly on the wall, but they can.