Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy daughter's concerns over friendship

DD11 and I had a couple of long conversations this weekend. One was about her dreams when she grows up, which was so wonderful. The other was about her concerns over friendship at school which was heart-breaking.

Nothing new, really, to parents with GT kids who stand out at school. She wishes she has more friends at school. 5th grade is the time when social cliques become obvious. She has a small group of friends (5 of them), and then there are the "fashion girls", there are the "Asian girls", and there are "girls who don't belong anywhere", and the "girls who don't care anyways"... You get the picture. She wants to have more friends, but feels that some girls don't even want to talk to her. She also says that it really bothers her that people hold her up to a very high standard, and whenever she makes a mistake the other kids laugh ("ooooh, the smart girl made a mistake", or "wooohooo!! I did better today than the smart girl!") She understands why they do that, but it hurts her feelings.

She feels very proud of her achievements. But she also wondered whether it would have been a good idea to "dumb down" herself a bit. She felt this kind of social pressure since 2nd grade, but now it's getting really annoying.

I was not surprised at all. But it broke my heart nonetheless. I knew some girls were not comfortable around her. I knew plenty of parents who were not comfortable around her! She has been very conscious about being low-key about whatever she does. But I think some things are just unavoidable. She has high hopes for DYS activities and the kids she might get to know through the program. It is not just that she wants to get along with kids at school; she also craves friends who are "like her". I plan to share stories with her (from books and from my own experience) as well to help her see that everyone faces challenges, and the social cliques will be her challenge. I worry about middle school -- DS had a terrible experience in middle school partly because of the social problems.

Oh well, thanks for reading. Just feel that I need to write it down. She knows full well that middle school will be tough; but there might be options for high school. We will see...

This is only from my own experience (since I don't have any daughters and my boys are young), but I would start by reminding her that most girls struggle with friendship at that age. Lots of girls have aspects of their personalities (or looks) that makes it harder to make friends. And even the ones who look to be so happy and popular might be stressed about friendships. It could be that they feel pressure to remain popular or that their friendships are superficial.

And she's lucky she has friends. If she looks hard enough, I'm pretty sure she'll find a few girls who are outcasts and/or who struggle to maintain even one friendship. I know it's easy enough to say this, but a small group of pretty good friends is better than a large group of fake ones. Plus, it would help to focus on the positive in her friendships - just because they're not "like her" doesn't mean that they don't have wonderful things to offer.

And finally, even if it's not friendships, everyone struggles with something. I have my own anecdote about that: When I was 17, a high school classmate found me in tears in the girls' bathroom. She was shocked when I told her that my mom had just died and she saw that I was deep in mourning. I'll never forget her words to me: "But I thought that your life was perfect!". Nobody's life is perfect. It's all about how we deal with what we've been dealt. Attitude plays a large role in it.

Great post, RRD. OP, we have been going through some of the same stuff with DD12.

Following because I have these same fears for my dd(8) in a few years.

I want to second that it is wonderful that she has knows how to make and keep friends although it sounds like she wants friends who really "get her". Our DD10 feels like an outcast in 6th grade, and it is certainly hard to see her suffer.
RBD - I talk with my DD about how we only see the "outside" of others, and we can only imagine what might be going on below the surface. Individuals show their "best" selves. Unfortunately DD will have none of that and refuses to believe that the popular girls are anything less than "perfect".
Anyway, yes, this is such a difficult age!!!!

Fair enough, I'm sure it's easier said than done to convince them of this. It may also depend on the DD if it will resonate with her. Is she at least willing to look beyond the popular girls to try to make other friends?

I feel for you, it isn't easy to see our DC suffer.

If DD could find just one person I would dance a happy dance. Lately she has said she has "friends" at school, but when asked if she would like to have them spend the night or get together on a Saturday, she says there is no one. I don't think the kids she mentions as friends are "popular". She just talks about the popular kids because she attempts to dissect the reason they are so popular. She has done that for several years.

Do you have any opportunities to observe her in the setting at all? DS6 kept saying the same thing last year but once I observed him a bit at daycare (and asked his teacher to see if she could notice if he played more with some kids), I realized that there were some kids that he would never mention even though he played with them. I was able to encourage a bit of friendship in those cases and he is now doing better. Of course it's easier when they are younger, since the parent can still invite the other child for a playdate.

Good luck, I know it's not easy to witness.

playandlearn,

I have a DS11 in 6th grade who is in his first year of middle school after having been in a gifted magnet for elementary. Even in the large circle of gifted kids, most of the boys don't get him. By and large, with a couple of exceptions, his closest friends are three girls from his gifted class in elementary who love his quirks and he likes their qualities which are, in turn, not always appreciated by girls in middle school. In other words, they "get" each other.
So perhaps your DS could expand her search for friends and see if there are boys who would appreciate her wonderful qualities. Good luck to her and you! Middle school is certainly tough so far.
Please keep us apprised of how things are going for her!

My DD11 (7th grader) is a self proclaimed nerd. She has friends who are "popular" but she does not hang out with them. The friends she hangs out with are mostly nerds like herself. She does not see anything wrong with that. She is happy that she finds someone who she shares similar interest and have things to talk about.

We often talks about the life after MS and HS for popular kids and nerds at home. The history (Bill Gates, Mark Zackerberg, etc..)and statistics (athelets, cheerleaders vs. top 1% academically in HS) are on our side. They encourage the underdog and tend to have lunch at the special need kids table. Hopefully they stay that way.