Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Finding a therapist

DH and I think it's time for DD10 to go work with a therapist. She saw a psychologist last year and just kept saying "She is weird." It was not a good fit. I want to try again to find someone DD will respect and find comfortable. I have read all the articles about finding someone who "gets" gifted kids so I know the questions to ask. I spent a couple of hours this morning reading up on local therapists/psychologists and have not found anyone who takes our insurance who even mentions giftedness (except for testing).
What about seeing someone via Skype? Or any other advice?

Where are you IRL?

Keep trying? In our experience, you only find success when you put your child (preteen through adolescence) into the driver's seat and step firmly OUT of the therapeutic relationship, and that can be a huge leap of faith.

In other words, any therapist gets exactly 2 visits to make a favorable impression on my DD, or she doesn't go back. She also dictates the frequency, and the pacing, and what happens in sessions. She's got great metacognition, and she's pretty self-aware. She needs a therapist that is willing to call her out sometimes, and that means that a therapist has to be someone that she cannot bamboozle. That's a tall order, and this becomes a matter of trying pretty much everything until you find something that fits. Think Cinderella's slipper.

We have found that this is personality-dependent as much as it's related to LOG or anything else. I figure that I'd mention that, because we had a number of intersecting issues that made it tough to decide which of them needed to be top priority. In the end, we went with increasing difficulty of getting appointments, and used word of mouth otherwise.

Good luck.

We lucked out (truly) and found a 2E adult who was also the parent of a 2E kid so she got giftedness in spades. She even took our insurance. When I spoke to her about DD the first time she said "Oh she sounds so much like me. I'm dyslexic but I went to Harvard." Don't count on lightening striking twice, though. Even our wonderful find has stopped taking insurance. I know several parents that have had to change providers every year or so to stay with their insurance coverage. Depending on your child this may not be the best option. Some folks find that going out of network costs only a little more and allows them to work with whoever they feel is best for their child.

Our wonderful person trained at the Anna Freud Center in London. She may have been equally fabulous if she had trained elsewhere or this may be a good search criteria to find someone in your area.

Also ditto to HK's comments regarding letting your DD be involved and finding someone who will call her on her "stuff". Some gifted kids would likely see through any sort of patronizing nonsense and have little respect for someone who let them totally steer the ship.

Good luck! Word of mouth is probably your best bet so try to plug into a local group for parents of gifted kids if you can.

I'm also wondering if you meant psychologist or counselor?


Ditto our experience with trying to find counselors. I'm also wondering - does your dd want to see a counselor, or is this something you think she needs to do and she's being dragged into it? If it's the latter, it might be extra tough to find someone who she can develop a good working relationship with. That doesn't mean it isn't worth seeking out the help, but it might mean stepping back and rethinking it. We've been through high-anxiety phases with our ds where we thought counseling was important (same for our younger dd), and neither child meshed well with any of the counselors we tried so we let it go and did our best to help them deal with it at home. Later on, ds needed therapy for other issues, and we found that it was much easier to find a good fit on the therapist at that time because he saw the value in the sessions. Hope that makes sense.

Best wishes,

polarbear

ps - re how to find someone - network network network... ask anyone and everyone you know who's had any kind of knowledge of local professionals. Ask your ped, ask your friends, call up and talk to people, research online. I'm also perhaps an outlier on this angle, but I've found with my kids that it is more important to focus on the personality and approach of the counselor/etc more so than require that they have extensive experience with gifted children.

We lucked out finding a therapist for DS. I was trying to find an education therapist and/or tutor. We found one who didn't work out but she suggested a psychologist who would be good. Unfortunately she isn't under our insurance. She does specifically work with gifted teens & adults but at this time isn't taking new patients so I couldn't send you her way even if you were local.

I admit it's tricky to find someone good with gifted kids.

We have wasted time with therapists who were not a good fit with DD. I think the 2 visit trial is a very good idea. DD is VERY particular about who she likes.

I would definitely agree that you need buy in from your DC. If the client sees nothing to be gained from therapy, that is exactly what you will get.

I also always encourage my adolescent students (and this would apply to GT preadolescents as well) to

1) reflect on what is most important to them as goals of therapy;
2) articulate these goals for any prospective therapist (and your parents);
3) remember that you are the customer (i.e., advocate for your own felt needs); BUT ALSO,
4) be open to additional goals that might be suggested by people who know you and wish you well (e.g., your parents).

If you and the therapist cannot develop clear communication on the goals of therapy, and how you are working together to achieve them, then this partnership is not a successful one (not that this is a poor therapist, necessarily, or that you are an intractable client, but that it is not an effective combination), and you should cordially say your goodbyes and move on.

And I emphasize that I am having the same conversation with them that I would with an adult, because they are self-aware and personally responsible enough not to be treated as powerless small children.

Ugh. Just lost my whole reply.
Ok, trying again. Therapists (MSW's and LPC's)are generally trained in motivational interviewing, therapeutic relationships, etc. They are wonderful!! They just get very little schooling in educational/giftedness/LD issues unless they specialize later (going for CEU's on those topics/special trainings). The realm of giftedness is a mystery. My sister-in-law is a school social worker. I was foolish enough to give her my DD's IQ when she asked what it was. Sister in law thought it was run of the mill. Her idea of gifted IQ is 170 - which worries me because that means probably she discounts all the rest of the kids at her school who have those "average IQ's" of 130-169 (sigh). Sister in law just hasn't had training in this subject. DH warned me not to try to educate SIL. Our elementary MSW was the same way as SIL. Some psychologists not only focus on testing but also get training in therapy techniques (DBT, CBT, etc). They fill 2 roles - tester and therapist. It is a great combo because they know what an IQ number really means. That's what I am looking for - IQ/2E/therapeutic relationship individual. Throw in the fact that DD is an adoptee dealing with that, and it gets REALLY tricky.
I did some digging this afternoon and found that the woman who tested DD now is at a clinic that takes our insurance. I left a message and hope to hear from her soon.

I found some good ideas here and will be on the computer and phone again tomorrow.
PS - I was generalizing about psychs., MSWs, and LPC's so feel free to discuss the differences. I am going by what I know from my career and family members' positions.

Just picking up on your question on the pros and cons of going by Skype. We haven't done counselling, but we have done vision therapy, dyslexia assessment and coding lessons virtually, both before and after working with the person face-to-face.

Generally, the interaction via computer is not ideal. Lag can be frustrating and you may find yourself talking over each other. Visual cues are reduced and the interaction is more stilted, less fluid. Skype is no substitute for an unhindered conversation between two human beings.

That said, it does have some advantages. For example, it's possible your DD might find that extra distance and impersonal approach makes therapy feel less intrusive and easier to engage with. Sometimes it's easier to say hard things when the person isn't quite right in front of us. We can feel a little safer when our body language and cues aren't so obvious, when it's easier not to look the person in the eye, or even to wander around a little, sit on a yoga ball, stand on the wobble board, or whatever.

There are also advantages to being on your own turf, in your home environment, able to choose what your child needs to be comfortable. The right set-up, chair, fidget toys, stuffie, whatever it takes. And the ability to provide snacks, hot chocolate or a small treat when I judge a little booster is needed to get through a session helps too.

Finally, not having to drive results not only in time savings, but also seems to de-escalate the stress around appointments. You don't have that "going to the doctor" [insert operatic music here] big-deal feeling. You're just making a call. It's much lower key, more relaxed and informal.

So while Skype is not ideal, it does have a few unexpected advantages, especially when it comes to trying out a new specialist.