Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Doesn't want to do anything

DS12 (high functioning ASD, anxiety, some depression and ODD) has not been interested in much for the last few months. This is coming to a head over the holiday break. Despite having a reasonable number of new toys, books, games, etc., he is spending the break moping around.

My wife and I have tried to engage him on countless occasions and he says "no" to 98% of what we suggest. He doesn't want to see people, go anywhere or even leave the house. He's also been sad, but can't say why.

If we tell him that the family is going somewhere, he will usually have a screaming meltdown. Not always, but he has. For the last couple of weeks we're avoided those by being accommodating, but we (especially my wife) are at wits end.

The symptoms sound like depression. He was on Prozac but it didn't work for him, and is now on other meds.

I'm looking for advice. Not necessarily things to do because he will just say no. Instead, strategies for approaching this kind of thing.

For instance, is this a normal phase in puberty? Should we wait it out? Should we just drag him somewhere and let what happens happen? Currently we are not doing things that we would normally do as a family because of this.

We will be seeing his psych in a couple of weeks. Until then, any thoughts? Thanks.

Does he do any better if you give him a lot of notice? That helps with my kid, does not like surprises.

Or what about telling he'll need to choose...something, anything.

Sorry, we have that too, here. I do think there is something to the puberty thing, mixed with the ASD and depression/anxiety. Do you think he has significant social anxiety and/or agoraphobia (usually associated with panic attacks)?

He generally does do better with a lot of notice, but he will still resist certain activities. Giving him a choice results in him saying "neither", of course

I don't think he has significant social anxiety, maybe some. He generally does ok in social situations modulo the occasional outburst. Lately he hasn't been into going outside - the weather has been lousy so we don't push it - but no panic attacks. He will panic if he sees a bee outside though.

OMG, I shouldn't but I laughed. We have the same phobia.

As far as a choice goes, I didn't mean either/or but you have to do SOMETHING for X amount of time, so decide.

I don't do this, because I'm worn out with it. But it has worked occasionally. Here are things that always work for DS:

1) When you do X, I'll drive you to GameStop
2) See 1).

It's so frustrating! Sorry you are having the same.

As an aside--how did homeschooling art turn out?

I have been deliberating on whether or not I want to deal with DS and his program any more, at all. He is so difficult when he is depressed/withdrawn.

FWIW, I don't think this is all ASD, depression, etc. I've heard same from many parents.

I swear, your DS and mine must have been separated at birth

Homeschooling art went ok. It got him away from the teacher. Ultimately, he never put in the time for it, so it essentially became "not doing art". My wife didn't push it with him and focused on academics instead.

The problem we have with forced choice is that he'll melt down if he doesn't like either choice. And then he becomes really hard to deal with.

Rewards are a mixed bag. They worked for a while, but since he doesn't really want anything right now...

How is DS doing in the program? One week of Xmas break here and I'm starting to forget how frustrating dealing with schools can be...

Well, I can just share our experience. DD started something like this when she was 12. It happened kind of gradually and we are still going through it a bit at 13.5. She just seemed to lose motivation for nearly everything. And she seemed unhappy a lot. I did come to understand it as related to adolescence. I remember reading something on adolescence somewhere and the author said something to the effect that this is a time when you stop caring about the things you used to care about. And i thought...yes! Some kids have a single strong interest like dance or a sport or something that they can ride right through the transition. But most don't. It is the loss of childhood. You used to care about Ninjago, or the Harry Potter or going fishing with your dad or having manicures with mom. And then those things just don't matter any more. It really is a huge loss and terribly sad, but you may not even know what you are sad about. And no one around you says "you are going through your first major life transition during which you will lose most of who you have been, and this should be consciously grieved and mourned."

This is sounding a little familiar to me with a DD with some similar issues and of a similar age. It's not as intense, and she still wants to to socialize, but I'm seeing a lot of just sitting around when she's at home. She's not even reading much, or if she is, she's flipping through magazines or looking at nonlinear books without really engaging. She has always been a very creatively active person, so I find it a bit sad to see. I have been guessing that the process of adolescing is sort of taking up energy or something.

On the bright side, he's been ok for the last two days, watched TV with us, even played a board game and cards. Now he's working on a puzzle. He doesn't seem so sad right now, just bored and lost.

The irony of course is that he won't try anything new - doesn't want to go anywhere. But he's bored...

OK, I just wanted to say thank you for this.

DD almost 13 has been going through the same 'not caring' thing and your comment really sparked my thinking. So I went and refreshed myself on the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

We had all of those. Denial was all about 'still being your little girl' and 'I still love my stuffies, do you think they're sad if I don't take them to camp?'. The anger phase was pretty challenging for our family. Bargaining was actually all about being really, really good and well-behaved (which was a nice change actually). We're in the midst of depression right now -- feeling empty, not caring.

I hope we move to acceptance soon.