Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Gifted self sabatoge

I have read that sometimes when teens spend all their youth finding tasks easy, that when they are finally challenged, they sabotage themselves by not working for a good result.
My daughter, aged almost 16, is experiencing this in two areas. 1-in language arts-she is a talented math/science student, and scores very high in non verbal ques. But in Language arts, she doesn't apply. She's in a gifted level class for world lit. I'm going to have to hold her hand to get her through this class with a B.
2-in ballet out side of school. She has been dancing for 12 years, and we just moved to a school that will give her a chance to perform more on stage-something she has always wanted. But she feels like she isn't as good as the other girls, who all have years more performing experience, and is skipping rehearsals-pretty much guarantying that she will not be prepared for her performance.
Its like she is finally getting what she wanted and the chance for success is scaring her, so she is not trying hard, so that when she makes a mistake on stage, she can brush it off like she doesn't care. Because if she tried hard, and acted like she cared, and then made a mistake, she would be embarrassed.
I'm looking for advice to motivate, and to help her at this age to take responsibility for herself.

Socially prescribed perfectionism?

That's the kind that is mostly associated with this constellation of features. It's what my DD wrestles with. Honestly, if you suspect this-- get her professional help, if she's cooperative. It's a beastly thing, this kind of perfectionism-- it leverages anxiety and poor self-worth into poor performance, and it also creates a downward spiral once it gets going.

[Honestly, if you suspect this-- get her professional help, if she's cooperative. It's a beastly thing, this kind of perfectionism-- it leverages anxiety and poor self-worth into poor performance, and it also creates a downward spiral once it gets going.]

Totally Agree!

And, if you do suspect this, and think that maybe professional help might, well, help, don't delay. Do it now. We waited with DS16, thinking it was all kinds of other things, and here we are anyway, with a bigger hole to climb out of than if we'd gone for professional help sooner.

Have you had a look around at sites like Hoagies? You might find some tips on how to talk to her about it: http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/perfectionism.htm

I just ran across an interesting article this morning about imposter syndrome. Worth a read.

Does she "not apply" because the work is harder or partly because she's not interested in it? I think that once a student is in high school and starting to formulate their own ideas about what types of study they want to pursue, sometimes it's ok to give up the "gifted"/accelerated/etc classes in the area they aren't really that interested in, unless they are completely unsure of what they want to study after high school or where their interests are. Dropping down to an easier class in one subject area doesn't mean a student won't have an opportunity to learn how to do challenging work - but let the student find the challenge in the classes they love. There's so very little free time and free choice (where I live) in the # and types of classes students can take, I would focus on taking as much and as challenging in the area of interest, and not over-challenge in the other. If being in an honors class means having a parent have to help support a neurotypical 16 year old though it just to get a B, jmo, but that's not worth it unless it's a class that is specifically focused in the student's area of interest.


I agree with the advice above, but also wonder if there might be something more to this situation. Moving into a new school etc can be difficult during the teen years - and it might not be all due to your dd's perception. Have the other students welcomed her? Does she feel like she fits in during class (socially, not just ballet skills)? Are the other dancers cliquish or do they have tight friendships that have developed through years of working together, or are there other girls at the school who are new to it? Did she know any of the new school's dancers before she switched into it? What are the teachers like? Is it possible that there is a subtle message coming across in the way they instruct that might lead your dd to believe she's not doing well? Can you observe classes? Also wondering, did she switch schools specifically so she *could* have more opportunities to be on stage, or did she switch schools for a different reason?

Best wishes,

polarbear

Thanks for posting.

Thanks for all the replies.

Regarding the dancing. She was very welcomed into this new studio, enjoyed the girls, and many go to her high school so it was a great transition. There was a fall show, in which she was in the corps, dancing a very hard part, and very excited to be in the show. She slimed down working so hard, she was happy with how dancing more was toning up her body. Then after the cast list for the christmas show came out, she rolled her ankle in an early rehearsal and was mad that she had to rest it for a couple of days because "you don't understand, mom! I LOVE dancing here!!" three weeks later I was hearing "its just not fun dancing when I'm not any good" "I just terrible at dancing." I spoke to the teacher, who said she has been pushing DD, she is going to try some sugar with her salt, so encourage her more.
I'm going to look at these articles, and see what I can do about finding her professional help.
I'm not opposed to her dropping down from Gifted Language Arts, but she won't be able to that until she enters 11th grade, for 10th grade she is here and practically, can't move her. Since next year she is likely to add more AP classes, and she doesn't enjoy language arts, its fine if she doesn't want to take the hard level class. But her teacher and I have spoken and her teacher says it is not an ability issue.

Two of my kids are only 12, but I have kept my eyes on this issue because there are few natural opportunities for them to be challenged unless we actively seek them out. We have done this through talent searches, competitions and extracurriculars from about age 7. Nevertheless, the issue of limiting effort and other "self-sabotage" do crop up from time to time. I have at times allowed my kids to sabotage themselves rather than jump in to manage them so that we can autopsy the whole experience with an eye to avoiding it in the future, particularly when the stakes matter more. You seem to have articulated her thought processes quite well so I would just have some heart to heart conversations with her when you are both relaxed and open. This could be a relaxing lunch or other outing where you have each other's undivided attention. Sometimes kids need to hear what they are thinking/doing spelled out and the consequences emphasized.