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I think the answers are straightforward, but not easy-- first, we need (and are) teaching better social and general functioning skills with therapy.

I also think DS needs to feel comfortable with his own set of talents (to nurture) and challenges (to work on).

Finally, because DS is still young, I need to help him fill a social need with a more group oriented activity. We're looking into cub scouts as an option. I would also like him in some kind of after school activity-- not necessarily competitive.

I think intellectual/ academic competitions are later... DS has been labeled by peers as the "smart kid." However DS may view that, it's become a part of his current identity-- I want him to put it into perspective by discovering other qualities and skills that he views as integral to who he is. To put it plainly, if he thinks he's "the smart kid" and he loses (because let's face it, there's always someone smarter or more skilled), it might put his self esteem into further tailspin.

I appreciate all of the input. It helps me think through these things.

This is the thread I was talking about:
http://giftedissues.davidsongifted.org/BB/ubbthreads.php/topics/221963/1.html

You may appreciate the advice from everyone, if only for how many people GET it!

Edited to add that just like in our case, there may be deeper issues at play, exemplified by your oblique "two years and one play date" comment. That is extremely sad for your child and I wish I could ship my little one over, they might get on like a house on fire! DH and I give thanks every time the issue comes up how much better DS9 is integrated in school than either of us ever were - not popular, rather on the fringes, but not an outsider, few friends, but he does have them, they do have the occasional play dates, and he gets invited to a few birthday parties. How about organizing play dates with kids from swim class or martial arts class, maybe cub scouts if he gets into it? I found that even if I set up play dates and they did not work so well, DS got social practice in and memories of occasionally having fun times with other kids, even if they play date wasn't repeated. I see it as "training" as well, just like sports I a way - training how to be a social being, and, god love me, training how to be a "normal" child and experiencing a "normal" childhood. He may look back and realize he had horribly eccentric parents living in an horribly eccentric house and doing eccentric family pursuits, but he will have memories of where he fit into mainstream childhood and managed all right. Dunno how other people just live their lives raising their kids, to me it's like an endless exhausting project without blueprints whatsoever. Throw a child with severe disabilities in the mix and "fitting in" takes on yet another meaning. With all ball sports out of the picture, things are even harder.
Have you tried minecraft as a social tool?

If it is a team sport, and you are not looking for ball sports, in a few years, maybe you can look into rowing. We have had lots of middle school kids start out around 6th grade and high school teams can be competitive. It is very different from other team sports in that the "team" aspect is synchronization and working on finer techniques of the same motion but it is definitely very much a team sport in that you tend to form bonds within the boat. We have had people who were dismal in ball sports excel in rowing - boys and girls.

ETA: what I mean by synchronization - meaning every single rower has to move in unison - no passing balls, running patterns. everyone has to be doing the same motion and paying attention to the coxswain or bow. and power is not all of it - I have won with "weaker" teammates simply because we meshed in our motions (once, we stunned our coach in college because on paper, we should have been slow but crushed the faster boat with better technique).

cammom, my DS is in a musical ensemble - a local music school offers an ensemble class and group performance opportunities - DS loves it, looks forward to it on the weekends, writes his own music and practices it in order to play it and receive feedback from the group and has made several friends in the group because of shared interests and time spent together. The group is made up of 7-10 year olds and has diverse skill sets and skill levels. They put up 2 performances on stage per year and do a weekly mini performance in their class. If your music writing son can get into one such group, he can be himself, feel validated, not be labeled as a "smart kid" and have fun with a group of peers. It is also great for self-esteem and will make him feel that his contribution to the group is worthy.

My son insisted on joining a soccer club. He accidentally tried out for the team 2 years up and made it in. Then they shifted him to his "proper" age group. He just could not gel with the kids there. To him they were babies who could not follow instructions. He LOVED the drills - learning what to do. He hated the matches. he would get sidetracked by working out random things like the rate of scoring per side, the number of floodlights on and therefore the percentage of the off lights. And since in a team sport it matches that count, he just could not "do well" anyway - despite being technically brilliant.

As suggested, I am waiting for my boys to turn 10 so that they can start rowing. It's incredible as a sport and really does seem to generally draw a significantly high percentage of "doers" - you need a serious amount of determination and grit to see it through - even the training sessions are intense!

My oldest son also wants to do a team sport - he says he wants to feel a part of a team, but seriously between his Visual Discrimination and his need to always be knowledgable, I'm not at all sure how any other sport would work for him in a team setting. He despised soccer when he was younger (again could be the Visual stuff).

At the end of the day, they need to embrace what they are good at, and accept that either they will work on the stuff they want to be better at or acknowledge that its just not them.

Good luck for managing this (and the maths thing!)

One of my DDs has ADHD and I found this article to be helpful when she was having difficulties with soccer. http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/5708.html

I actually like the idea of joining in a musical group like ashley has suggested, if your DS likes music or plays instruments. Also, maybe sign up for camps that involve math or reading or science or any subject that your DS is interested in. There your DS will find kids who share the same interest as he. He will most likely make friends there.

My DS6 is not so good at sports either. He likes b-ball so we signed him up for a b-ball league, for the main purpose of having him learn how to play in a team environment and improve his social skills (he has a hard time making friends with his own age kids). We are starting next week and we'll see how he does. His piano teacher also suggested that he goes to a conservatory prep school on weekends to have master class with kids close to his age and study music together. That would help him with social skills and working with a group too (as ashley's DS has proven true :-))