Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Elementary school -- remembering to be responsible

What is a reasonable expectation for a 3rd grader, as far as remembering stuff is concerned ? I know there is a wide variation, however, he forgets to bring things back home, if he is not reminded by the teacher. Sometimes even that fails. He seems to think that if he forgets things, he always gets blamed. He informed me today that he is very sensitive, and that he should not be blamed for forgetting stuff. Sometimes, it is stuff like a lunchbox or a pencil, sometimes it is homework.

Checklists work with him, but he has to be reminded to use the checklist (sometimes, multiple times, before he starts to use it). Last year, his teacher was super organized and made him do the checklist every single day. This year's teacher seems a lot more laid-back -- all the teacher cares about is whether each child is happy, working at their best level, giving something a decent amount of effort etc (and not so much about the organizational aspects).

He does have a 504 and the checklist is part of the 504. I sent copies of the checklist, but the teacher does not follow it. On an average, my child misplaces homework or lunchbox or some item or the other once every 4 days.

I know some forgetting is normal, but forgetting stuff 6-7 times a month seems excessive.

Any suggestions ?

6 or 7 times a month seems fine to me.

I am admittedly a touchy-feely type, but I agree with your DS! He should not be blamed, but supported. I hate that these things are always framed as "responsibility" instead of "organizational skills." No wonder sensitive kids get down on themselves--when they make mistakes, it's addressed with characterological language instead of skill-based.

Being forgetful isn't a character problem. And 6-7 times a month really doesn't seem excessive (however, my whole family has huge EF challenges). If the checklist works, I'd ask the teacher to begin using it. I think the idea is eventually it becomes more automatic for the child--but they need a lot of support (and reminders--but I'd call them "cues") in the process.

I just told my dd10 today that I will give her 3 free passes this year for forgetting things and requiring me to make an additional trip to school.
It sounds like the teacher needs to be reminded to follow the 504 plan exactly. Can you make the checklist and laminate it so your child can wipe it clean each morning and start new?

I check for my child everyday at pickup time. He loses things once every week or so and also hates being held responsible for it. He say things like "someone took it away" when it is not the truth - he probably forgot his lunchbag at the lunch area or left his water bottle in class. I am working on reminding him that historically, all his lost items were found again in places where he left them by mistake and that nobody ever wants to take other kids' used water bottles or lunch bags. He is able to remember better as the school year progresses and the routines are more familiar. I put his checklist in a dry erase pocket and ask him to check off the items everyday. I only hold him accountable for using the check list every day and not for items lost as he is a "sensitive" soul too and gets upset even by changes in my tone of voice when I ask about missing items. For items lost, I check at pickup time and go and look for them for him in the beginning of the year. He does not want to walk around campus with mom in tow looking for things, so he quickly gets into the checking habit in a few weeks and then we have better results!

mom2one, 3rd graders are still learning EF/organizational skills, so there are going to be some kids for whom 6-7 times a month is totally normal. OTOH, I would think that for your ds (based on his past testing that you've posted about and diagnoses), that it's quite probable his organizational challenges are related to his other challenges. I think it's amazingly insightful that he *told* you he is sensitive and shouldn't be blamed for forgetting his "stuff". I think even for non-sensitive children, if the challenge is potentially related to a disability, it's really important to structure your thoughts and the conversations with your ds and the things you do for support from a framework of helping him learn a skill, not viewing it and responding to it as something he's forgetting to do. I hope that makes sense!

My ds was very forgetful at the same age - we had a very annoying annual tradition of losing his new winter ski jacket every year during the first week of recess when it was cold outside. He lost his lunchbox so many times *he* decided he should buy hot lunch so he wouldn't lose his lunchbox.

If the checklist accommodation on his 504 isn't being used or isn't working, first ask the teacher why she isn't following the 504, explain the challenge, then remind/request that she *follow* it, then if that doesn't work I'd call the school's 504 director and ask for advice re how to proceed. You might need to have a team meeting, or the 504 director might choose to have a conversation with the teacher before a team meeting is called - and a simple reminder from a school admin might be really all the teacher needs.

Best wishes,

polarbear

This was what my mother believed, too. But in fact I was being bullied by a group of girls who took my lunchbox to the lost and found every day as soon as my back was turned. Like, once, I walked ten feet away and looked back and the gang of them was already picking up my lunchbox and carrying it too the school office. They looked like the "sweet, helpful" girls, but in fact they were doing everything they could to get me in trouble without getting caught themselves.

Fortunately, we moved after about a month of this.

If your system is working for you, that's good, but I caution you against vocally disbelieving your son when he insists that someone is stealing his stuff. Sometimes it really is being taken, in a sneaky way that doesn't leave evidence for Mom.

Thank you very much for the caution, Elizabeth, as I have walked in those shoes myself as a child who was very small for my age and who was also grade skipped and got stuff taken away by older bully girls in my early elementary years (decades ago). I will keep your caution in mind to see if there is a pattern of this happening and ask DS who was around him when he loses stuff.

Six to seven times a month sounds like heaven to me! Both of my kiddos have been horrendous at remembering things. I have to keep reminding DS, who doesn't go to the brick-and-mortar school anymore, that he was, indeed, as bad as his sister is at remembering to bring things home -- because he's always teasing her about it, and he's the pot calling the kettle black.

Fortunately for them, I'm no good at remembering things, either, so I do understand. I remember vividly my days of standing by my locker at the end of the day, mentally going over each class to see which books I needed to take home, and making sure I had my coat, and my boots, etc. I had to do that checklist or it was hopeless.

Ds8 owns four polar fleeces. Several times he has gone to school on friday with instructions to find one of the ones he has lost when he gets there and put it on. He hardly ever remembers to hand in his homework on Friday but luckily his teacher accepts it on Monday instead though it doesn't matter much really as he learnt while doing it not by giving it to the teacher.