Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Anxiety and Atlantic article on coddling

Re: this article
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/09/the-coddling-of-the-american-mind/399356/

I have an 8yo 2E kid who is on the anxious side. If a kid falls on the playground, she covers her ears and kind of freaks out. She gets very anxious about doing things wrong. She also freaks out when bad things happen in novels or movies. When she was 4, she had trouble with TV shows (like Caillou) where bad things happened to people (like skinning a knee). She also worries a lot. Our solution was to get rid of the TV. As a result, we've sheltered her from current events.

BUT she's a history kid, loves everything history, knows a lot about world history, and has never really had a problem with bad things happening in the past. She can sensibly self sensor when she runs across things she can't handle. She recently stopped reading a book on Edgar Allen Poe, for example, and put it in her shelf for when she is older. BUT she's reading about the ways people died in the Dust Bowl and that is working out fine.

She is starting to read the news on the internet, so we are starting to try to bring current events (i.e., Syria, etc.) to her gently because it is not going to stay gentle to her for long.

So when I read this Atlantic article and how it relates to anxiousness, I wonder how to handle this stage in a gentle enough way without coddling so much that it messes her up.

In the last two days I have noticed several young children being very articulate about what makes them uncomfortable with the expectation that parents won't expect them to leave their comfort zones, and I'm wondering that our gentleness around their anxieties actually makes them worse.

Any thoughts?

Basically agree; the main way out of anxiety is exposure and developing coping skills.

Though one can take this thesis too far: I also believe some people are wired for anxiety and it's not necessarily the parents' fault if the child is anxious.

We do not censor reading material, only lightly censor radio news, newspapers are readily available. There is no TV news here (because misleading, not because frightening).

We have definitely had moments where kids learned of very upsetting things through reading the newspaper; we answer their questions frankly and try to show them how WE (as adults) cope with such terrible news. Sharing our thinking strategies has helped enormously.

Ditto what DeeDee said.

Building healthy coping skills is very, very key to fostering resilience in the face of what life throws at pretty much everyone. Those who are more sensitive probably need even more robust and varied methods of coping well.

We found that using the Jane Goodall approach worked very well in literature and film selections-- that is, in fiction, DD (even at 3-5yo) had the necessary distance to analytically evaluate the humanoids as they interacted and resolved conflict. She could speculate about their motivations and emotions behind statements and actions, etc. (Yes, the Spock voice is intentional there-- this is actually a VERY effective tool for gifted children, I think.)

This also played to her empathetic strengths, in that it allowed her to see that even "scary" human behaviors often serve a purpose in the person exhibiting them. That is, they are still human beings, reacting in very human ways.

She was eventually able to leverage that understanding and empathy for truly formidable coping skills and social awareness.

Social anxiety is not a huge problem for her-- and she is definitely hard wired for major anxiety otherwise. So I think that this method was highly successful for her. Individual results will vary, though, I expect-- kids are really individualistic.

My suggestion is to leverage strengths to help develop that insight and with it, better coping skills. DD retreats into "analytical" mode to cope with emotionally overwhelming circumstances, which is a fairly adaptive method under most conditions.

My take on "trigger warnings" and this article are that it's how we USE trigger warnings not that they exist. The term trigger warning is fairly new but teachers have for years warned students that what they are about to read is graphic in some way but that didn't stop them from assigning it. Trigger warnings started as a way for people who while they are being entertained (trolling the internet for fic to read for pleasure) could avoid things that bother them. Young people today on social media often ask people to put trigger warnings so they can avoid reading stories or accidentally reading about situations that really bother them. This isn't unlike checking out a movies rating & details of the rating before watching.

The problem as I see it is young people pushing this idea that if it bother them therefore they don't need to read/see it into the classroom. I do think it's entirely reasonable for the teacher in the syllabus to a class to mention that some of the books will be of a sensitive nature in one way or another. But that doesn't excuse you from needed to read it. We all grow from reading things that bother us.

Back to the OP's daughter. I have an anxious son myself. DS freaks out by another Charlie & the Chocolate Factory. Doesn't even like looking at the cover of the book or DVD. Had a incident in 2nd grade and still as a High School student it bothers him. Since there is no real reason he NEEDS to read/watch this one particular book we avoid it. As he has grown older he has become a lot less sensitive to things like this.

I think it's very reasonable to pick and choose what is appropriate for an 8 year old. There are many movies for example I wouldn't show an 8 year old because they are too violent. I do think being exposed to things that bother her will eventually help the anxiety. But no need to be extreme about it. Having her learn through history about bad things is probably a good way to expose her.

I agree that movies (and tv) are another matter and that age appropriate choices are good.

I am fairly sensitive to violence in movies and my kids are too. I don't think that's a bad thing. We do try to keep them aware of what peers are watching when possible, for social reasons. But I think movies operate at a far more visceral level than reading does, and needs to be handled differently. IMO.

I'm pretty protective about unnecessarily triggering anxiety in my kids (we talk about guarding what "goes in" and avoid gratuitous violence/disturbing content in entertainment, for instance).

I don't think that's coddling--coddling is allowing your child to avoid any uncomfortable situation, IMO.

OTOH, if you have a clinically anxious child, you soon learn that normal things can be triggers. Those can't be avoided. Then the safest approach is to build coping skills and use systematic desensitization. I don't think that's coddling, either, but careful and compassionate.

Maybe contemporary parents are overly focused on protecting their children--but I still prefer that approach to throwing them to the wolves. I was a very anxious child, though, so my view is biased.

OT (kinda) but since this is the only other time I've *ever* seen this book referenced such: that is one of the creepiest, most disturbing books I ever read, as a child. Your DS is in good company. Or at least company. :P Ick, sends chills through my spine.

He is 16 and just last spring he asked if whe HAD to keep the Charlie & The Chocolate Factory DVD. It bugged him that it was sitting on the shelf. Oddly it really the only movie/book that I know of that he reacts to like this.

In second grade I got called into the principals office once because of a problem with DS. As I remember it the story was that the teacher had been reading above mentioned book to the class over the past few days. He knew my it bothered my son so he they had come to an agreement that DS could play educational games on the computer just outside class where he could see him during that time. But that day the schedule was rearranged and my son had either forgotten or wasn't listening when it was announced. He ended up throwing a fit in class when he wasn't allowed to leave class.

I grew up in a house with no TV and had limited exposure to news. I see no need for my 8 year old to be confront starving children or dwaesperate refugees. Ds8 can't handle kids movies and why should he if he doesn't want to? Later i expect he will read and watch things he finds uncomfortable but at 8 dealing with classmates who have cancer and playground bullies is enough.

My thing was my son had general anxiety 24/7 and specific triggers (approaching phobias but not quite). He experienced panic attacks....living with him was hard as heck. So, yes, you might say for a certain period of time we coddled him. But no one can live in the fight or flight level for that amount of time. So you modify the environment, get therapy, homeschool in his case, and yes coddle a bit. But then you can work on the things that make him uncomfortable. Would I do the same thing again? yes!