Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Fear and Anxiety

My son listened to part of Dr. Randy Pausch's "Last Lecture" and he told me that he thinks I am definitely an Eeyore and that he and his dad are Tigger. I think as a 2E kid, he really gets what Dr. Pausch said about "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." He has told me before that he is fine with the way he is and doesn't care that other people might think he is different. He once asked me who these people are that think they can decide for everyone else how they should be. He says he has always known he was different--an anomoly or "un-normally" as he liked to say it, but if he had to choose, he would rather have his intelligence than sports ability.

I don't think has the social anxiety problems that I grew up with because he doesn't mind sharing his opinion even if he thinks it might be different from all the others. He doesn't feel this need to conform and be like everyone else. He says he hates cliche. The freedictionary.com says cliche means a trite or overused expression or idea but it can also mean "a person or character whose behavior is predictable or superficial" and I think he does a pretty good job of avoiding cliche. I tell him this is a positive thing even though some people might not think so. Some people just prefer the cliche.

I think my son successfully uses humor to deal with some things. For example, this morning he was really worried that something might be wrong with a sensitive area of his body but he seemed a little embarrassed and didn't want to give me too many details. I asked him if he might have accidentally bumped into something that might have caused the pain and he said "No, but it feels like a UFO crash landed in my Area 51" and "remember that show we saw about urban legends and there was a guy that went swimming in a river and a fish swam up his..., well the pain is near that area." So I said, Well you haven't been swimming in the Amazon have you? and he said something like "No, but while I was surfing on Amazon, I fell in the EBay."

Yesterday he told me that as the child of Baby Boomer parents, he must have been a "Baby Bummer" and he wanted to know how we felt when we learned that I was pregnant with him. My husband and I assured him that we were very happy when he was born and that we think he is a great kid and we love his sense of humor.

He seemed to have a lot of anxiety last Saturday night when his dad, who had gone out of town with the PGR, was riding a motorcycle home after midnight. He said he couldn't go to sleep until he saw his dad and he kept asking me when I thought his dad would be home. Then he asked me if all men were like this with their other interests more important than being with their family. He said his sister often tells him that she is mad at her boyfriend because he stays out late working out at the gym or he is with friends instead of being with her as much as she wants him to be. He said he could imagine himself 20 years from now at a Gamestop and his girlfriend or wife calls him on the cell phone and asks him to hurry home. "Yes, sweetie, I'll be home in a few minutes." but then I sees a game that I've been looking for and I forget all about the girlfriend. An hour later, I realize that I am going to be in trouble with the girlfriend so I have to come up with a good excuse for being late. I decide to hurry to her favorite restaurant to get something she really likes. I get home, hand it to her, saying that I would have been home sooner but the restaurant took longer than usual to make her favorite food." He told his dad about his imaginary scenario when he finally got home from the PGR ride at 1:00 a.m. hoping to make his dad feel guilty, but his dad just said that he never lies about what he is doing.

My son denies that he has any anxiety at all, but he seems to have an excessive fear of something bad happening to my husband or me or maybe it is just a fear of being alone. His fear is bad enough that he even wants me to stand outside the door every time he has to go to the bathroom "so he can talk to me." When I am in the bathroom for more than a few minutes, he comes to the door because he "just to make sure I am doing okay." He doesn't like being left alone when I have to go next door to help my dad with my mother so he comes with me or if he doesn't he has the phone in his hand and calls me just to make sure I am okay. I wish I knew how to help him get over this fear. I know that I had some of the same fears as a child and I outgrew them, but we have been dealing with this for a while now. I think it might help if I could find a good book for both of us to read and discuss on dealing with anxiety and fear.

http://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Edmund-Bourne/dp/157224223X

Here is a good starter. Admittedly, it looks a little cliche! As in trite- boring from much use; not fresh or original!

However, I think it's a pretty good measuring tool to determine if there is a problem or not.

Neato

Lori, is the fear a relatively new thing? It sounds like he's hit puberty and the rush of hormones, along with being a very perceptive kid, could have him acting this way.

I don't think I'd focus too much on the fear/anxiety in your reading, but focus more on the emotional & physical changes in a boy entering puberty. If the fear/anxiety seems out of line with that, then I think I'd consult an expert.

It isn't a new thing, but it has gotten worse recently. He just had a growth spurt, put on a little weight but is normal by the weight charts, the voice teacher thinks his voice is starting to change a little, and I had my son read about puberty and he says that from what he read he is in the early stage of puberty. I didn't know it could start this early. He just turned 10 in May.

Thanks. The reason I want a book for us to read together is so we can both learn healthy ways of dealing with it. I know that deep breathing, exercise and getting enough rest helps, but I am hoping we can find even more ways to deal with it.

He doesn't have ADHD but he has a sensory issues and a motor learning disability and that probably contributes to the anxiety. I had trouble with anxiety as a child and I didn't have his additional issues to deal with.

He never seemed to have trouble with separating from us when he spent the night with friends, but he hasn't been invited to any sleepovers lately.

The book that was recommended to us by a gifted specialist was "The Anxiety Cure for Kids." It was the kind of book we could read together and I think both of us benefitted. I would recommend it.

I haven't been to the library yet, but I am hoping that one of these books can help us. I don't think my son has as much trouble with anxiety as I do--yet--but I don't think some of this can really be avoided. Things like deep breathing, getting plenty of exercise, and trying to think positively are good but I don't know if it will be enough. I think we are dealing with some things that the typical 10 year old does not deal with and this is probably going to be a really rough year. He still wants to continue homeschooling though, even though things are not ideal.

A few days ago, my son helped out by keeping an eye on his grandmother while my dad, sister, and I were in another room talking to a social worker about hospice care for my mother, who is close, if not in, the last stage of dementia. My dad has a black eye, bite marks, and marks on his arm from where he was pinched when he tried to change her clothes, so I can see how my son would have some anxiety about watching her even though he knows that she can't run after him. He was willing to help because he understands that this is what a family does when a family member is sick. He stayed in the hallway close enough to her that he could talk to her but far enough away that he could get away and alert us if he needed to.

I think our family situation might be another reason he feels so different from other kids his age and why he says he isn't really a kid. This is just one more thing that he can't talk about with other kids. He thinks about things that kids are not supposed to think about, but he can't talk about these things with anyone. So he deals with it at home with his humor. He can do the funniest immitations of people, using their typical mannerisms and typical things they might say and the one he does of his grandmother is really good. I used to worry about this being somewhat disrespectful, but I think as long as it is kept within our family, it is okay.

Today I read an article in the September issue of Reader's Digest written by a woman who has a six year old with Asperger's who uses dark humor in dealing with life. My son and my husband often use dark humor in dealing with difficult things. I have tried this and it doesn't work that well for me. Sometimes I joke about hiding a cyanide pill in the house just in case what happened to my mother happens to me. My husband says things like "Don't worry about me needing long term care, I'll kill myself before I let someone change my diapers" after I started wondering if we needed long term care insurance since he rides a motorcycle at night with coyotes and deer who don't obey traffic signs. My son who hears everything in spite of being in another room and playing games, says he thinks my chances of going crazy because of all the worrying I do is higher than the chance of his dad getting into an accident on his motorcycle and requiring long term care.

In the article a psychologist who studies the role of humor in stress was quoted as saying "The subjects who could look at the funny side of something grim really did seem to buffer themselves from anxiety."

I will try to remember this when we start homeschooling again on Thursday, while at the same time worrying about my parents. No matter what happens, I will try to find the humor in it.

There's only so much you can do, though, Lori. Yes, keep the humor flowing, but it really sounds like each of you need to find a way to get a break from caretaking at somepoint. Even if it's just for a few hours.
Perhaps your son could work independently at the library for a period of the day.
You are in such a difficult place right now. Caretaker to children and parents. It really is a heavy situation, I hope you know it's okay to say that!
Your son is so intelligent, but this situation is one more of life experience than intelligence, which he doesn't have a whole lot of yet.
Maybe the books will help, perhaps a grief counselor, I don't know the answer. But just take care of yourself and try to help your family do the same.

((hugs))

Neato