Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional DS8 calls himself a freak of nature

I totally agree with all of you, too, that individual sports with a view to outdoor activity and lifelong fitness are the way to go, and competitive sports are OUT. We don't watch TV, but did get into the soccer World Cup a bit - he enjoyed the rules and the statistics and he was very proud he got to stay up and watch the final, and I did buy him a Brazuca ball which he kicked around for a bit (because I was so happy he finally showed an interest in a ball, seriously, he hated balls as a little kid, but I did refuse do buy the 90 Euro goalkeeper jersey). His interest waned quickly when he was kept out of the teams during recess. So, that was it for competitive games,

The problem with the individual sports is, he needs someone to go and do them with him! There are two younger siblings, one of them with special needs using a wheelchair who needs PT three times a day, I barely manage that one, I have neither the time nor the energy to tire out a soon to be 9'year old boy. And when we do go cycling as a family, it's torture - constant squabbling between him and his sister, constant moaning about the place we are going, constant shrieking because he bangs his toes or his shins or his helmet itches or whatever - it takes about a hour for him to settle into an activity and begin to enjoy it. By then, his siblings have enough and begin moaning and shrieking,..

The dog suggestion is spot on too - he loves going out with my brother and his large dog, but they don't live close, We can't get a dog ourselves, our house is tiny, we have a cat and his younger siblings are terrified of dogs, as was he at their age. I wish my husband would take him biking more often, but he moans he doesn't have time either (and says he was just as useless at sports and grew up fine regardless, conveniently forgetting that he must have been one of the unhappiest middle schoolers around. So, no buy in there, which is one of the problems,)
I will ask my FIL to take him biking more often, they get on well doing it but he's 73, there are limits there, too.
He loves scootering, but does not really have a friend to do it with, and won't go out on his own.
I have put him on the wait list for a swim club that does recreational swimming. I will also drive him to the kayaking winter pool training as often as I can, to find out whether they can manage to motivte him to put his head underwater, agree it has to come from him ultimately - if they can't, kayaking's over. Again, husband hates having to take the kids places, need more buy in there because I can't do it all alone.
One of the problems with the martial arts class he did up to now was that whenever I didn't drive him, husband wouldn't either, so he fell behind and was really frustrated. The other being that he is at a point where he needs to actually try hard, get out of his comfort zone. He won't. He rather told the instructor he didn't want to be there anyway. Sigh. I mean, I'm used to ignoring the moaning, but coaches just can't take this, and I get it. the instructor actually happens to be a psychomotor therapist in her day job but when she's coaching she's got her coaching hat on. I'll try to motivate him to try once more for the yellow belt,maybe he'll find his motivation, and if not, he can quit after. But again, there are limits to other peoples understanding and patience. Oh, and it's judo, and of course they do competitions. Another reason he is sabotaging himself I think, because he is so afraid that he might have to take part soon.

Skiing is again hard to organize on my own. Slopes are over an hour away and I can't just drive us for the day, I'm afraid I'd fall asleep at the wheel going back. We would have to go for the weekend and I need my husband for that. Sigh. More dependence. And I'd need an instructor and later, a class for him to make progress - he sure won't let me teach him! (I happen to be a very good skier. One of my sports - I realize I actually have several).

Rock climbing - he tried it first at a birthday party I had to basically force him to attend - I allowed to take his e-reader, but made him stay with the group - told him he didn't have to climb, but have to be there, not hide away with me. After two hours, he finally decided to try it out and loved it. He did express an interest in continuing, so I signed him up for a beginners class. He'll have to do an advanced class as well before he can train in earnest though, and they only do fortnightly training for kids. And I'm just not sure how much if a workout you actually get. And it's expensive, sigh.
Running - there's no one to run with him. And I can't put him in track. Too poor an athlete for a regular team, I'd just set him up for failure. Same for dance, he'd hate it, as uncoordinated as he is.
Rowing is absolutely on my radar - but you have to be twelve where we live. Another one of my sports, I was actually told I had a talent for it, but was twenty two, so recreational rowing all the way. I do not currently have the time, but would love to start again with him! So, it's kayaking on our river until then or nothing!

I have recently organized therapeutic riding for my disabled youngest. I may try to sign him up too, to instructor is sceptical, or try to organize proper riding lessons, the problem again, it's quite a drive wherever we want to go.

I wish wish wish for something I could just drop him off for weekly that's not dependent on weather, or better even he could get to under his own speed, and someone else is in charge of tiring him out. Because frankly, the way it usually works my three tire ME out.

Oh, my weather independent weekly sport? Gymnastics, believe it or not. It was a fluke - my mom kept making me try stuff out because she had a somewhat waldorfian view of balance, bless her, trying to get me " out of my head", but I am grateful, because I did get hooked. there were kids from my school I liked, I liked the coach, the coach liked me and enjoyed my measly progress for what it was. I was easily the worst on the team, but I WAS on the team, and soon I was one of the sportier kids in school, simply for working hard twice a week.

I shouldn't forget the one I need buy in from most is DS - he doesn't want to work herd. When he realized his little sister could pump herself on the swing and he still couldn't, he attacked her for it rather than practicing himself, screaming the playground down. I first had to shield DD, them get hi to actually get back on and practice, yelling back that I knew he COULD do it if he only tried harder. (I was right, too). But it's one of those situations that leave me exhausted.

My heart goes out to all of you who had to suffer through horrible PE and games classes in school!

Forgot to mention that kid shrink is of course fully booked for the next three months, I mentioned suicidal ideation and they promised to move us to the top of the wait list and phone if there was a cancellation. Can do no more...

Possibly a good topic for the therapist or counselor you were referred to? It is possible that if the relationship were to improve the siblings could play together... some day bike/run/walk/kayak/scooter/practice soccer dribbling together?

In reading this about DH and this about DS Is it possible that DS has learned non-participation from DH? Possibly an aspect of the family dynamic to discuss with the counselor or therapist you were recommended to?

Tigerle you are dealing with an awful lot and doing well. I do wish you could get more support from your DH. Mine is rarely home so I get how hard it is to do stuff when you have so many other demands on your time.

Taking a different tack entirely, I was remembering that when my DD was in sixth grade she had vetoed a skip into High School (starts in year 7 here) and then totally regretted it. It was her worst school year. There was a lot of depression and I do remember a lot of angst over PE as yet another blow to her self esteem. Once she was in High School she didn't care so much that sport and PE were not her fortes as long as she was being challenged academically. It helped that she had a very supportive PE teacher for two of her years in PE. The one year she didn't have him but a very unsupportive teacher it was awful but she coped so much better because she no longer saw PE as a big deal.

So I was wondering......can you revisit your schooling option for next year? Do you think a better academic fit might relieve some of the other stress or do you think they are just too separate as issues?

Given everything you are doing in your life I would hate to generate any stress with that suggestion. I just know that for our DD being saisfied and challenged academically made dealing with other challenges so much easier.

For what is worth I went along with her veto of the grade skip at the time as she was a little 9 year old. She has now skipped into that year group anyway. She was talking the other day about how different life might have been if she had done the skip earlier brut to her credit, she identified lots of good things that she experienced anyway. So often there are no perfect answers, just trial and error and making do.

It's actually one of the things he says he hates about himself - his lack of impulse control concerning his sister! He gets into annoying or teasing moods and JUST WONT LEAVE HER ALONE! This has to get better, I agree, but I haven't much hope for having them exercise together, DD is almost for years younger.

He sure gets it from DH, but I think it's nature rather than nurture!
Can't think where he gets his tendency to blame others for everything though

God I keep revisiting it in my head all the time. I do not think they are separate issues at all, not with our kids.
The middle school with the gifted program is on the other side of town. He'd have to ride two buses, for an hour. He wouldn't know a soul. We are planning to to have DH take him as far as the second bus stop in the morning, so he at least won't have to change, and we will be moving closer in a few years (when the house that sucks so much of DHs time will be finished). There is also a kid in the neighbouring village going there and we might carpool, don't know how much driving they do, their kid being rather older. Middle school of course would mean nine subjects or so with subject teachers, huge EF demands, and he might actually have to study! I just don't think he's ready but keep wondering whether it's just me who isn't ready, sigh....right now, school is only half days and homework an after thought, and we can concentrate on enrichment. Does have its advantages.

His report card was glowing. All As (except for PE of course), lots of little compliments from his teacher on his social skills, even on his trying harder in PE. Biggest compliment: even though he is clearly above an beyond his classmates, especially for maths, he never acts bored or disengaged.

Umm. It all comes out at home, I guess.

I would like to add everyone that DH is a teacher, home a lot (when he's not working on the new house) and extremely supportive with everything BUT enrichment that necessitates driving and/or practicing, such as sports and music classes, because he feels we all have too much on our plates anyway.

I think I gave in easily when DD vetoed her grade skip to high school because I wasn't ready either. When she did go, 10 turning 11, I was also worried about the EF stuff but she thrived and became so much more organised and capable. It wasn't demanded of her before then! So they can surprise you. We didn't have the issue of buses and changing buses etc so there wasn't that pressure.

I do wonder though, if and when he gets to the middle school, whether you won't need to worry as much about extra activities and enrichment. The additional challenge with the EF side was almost enough to keep DD busy for a couple of months.

I am not sure your DH doesn't have a valid point that you are busy and do have a lot on your plate. The problem is there are just some things we do have to do no matter how tired and busy we are. And then we get tired and finding a way to make it all better becomes all the more elusive.

I hope you find sometime to breathe and then work out a plan for your DS. By the way, even though he doesn't have a diagnosed condition, some physical therapy can help improve his core strength and proprioception. I don't know how funding would work for you without a "named diagnosis". Some of the conditions related to hypermobility can be diagnoses of exclusion and not well understood by many people.

I forgot to say, your most telling statement for me was "it all comes out at home".
Yes. That is so what we saw. Trying to look interested and stay on task all day can be exhausting when the work really isn't very interesting. I think that says a lot about what your DS is struggling with.