Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional DS8 calls himself a freak of nature

He does not want to be here. He has so many problems he does not want to live. When I called him out about lying to us about his computer and internet use (there are rules and safeguards, but he tries to work around them) he yelled at me to apologize for embarrassing him and threatened to jump out of the window otherwise. He hates being good at math and LA and bad at sports, insisting no one is ever embarrassed or has to suffer mean remarks for being bad at math, but he is embarrassed about being so poor at sports and is convinced everyone thinks less of him for being so.

Problem is, he is actually an awfully poor athlete. No coordination, low muscle tone, hypermobility, physically fearful, hates competition, vestibular and proprioceptive issues, absolutely useless at anything involving a ball. He is stalling in martial arts, enjoyed kayaking, but may not be able to get any where for hating to put his head under water. I had to pull him out of we swimming for that - his swimming actually got poorer the longer he was in that particular class that placed such an emphasis on it, as they should, frankly. Once he got over his fears, he made progress quite nicely with private skiing lessons and did well in an age appropriate class after, but of course it's useless as year round exercise. I am ready to pay for private lessons where possible but in clubs and teams, he is at an age where coaches aware losing patience with kids who are not only abysmal but show that they actually hate it, too. So, it is hard to be encouraging but truthful - I tell him that athletics simply isn't the thing for people born into our family, that his parents were just as poor, that we grew up and enjoyed our talents we do have regardless, but he is not currently receptive. Please believe me, I have NO personal ambition invested in this and do not think he thinks I do so, I couldn't care less about athletic success, but I wish he'd find "his" sport", it might work wonders for his confidence. I know it did for me! And he does need to get out and about for his health and sensory diet but I am at my wits end with this.

My shrink, whom I mentioned the suicidal ideation to, not sure how seriously to take it, has referred me to a child psychiatrist she insist knows his stuff. We were away, so can call only tomorrow. I'm full of doubt anyone can help with this combination of asynchrony (his FSIQ came in at 154). We are NOT In the US, so list like hoagies are not of use for us.

Or maybe we should have done the grade skip into fifth grade in the gifted middle school program. But he's not ready for middle school.

Not sure what I'm even asking for here. Sympathy, I guess, and if anyone's got ideas for how to go forward from here, I'm all ears!

"My" sport turned out to be competitive ballroom dancing in college. If he can get past the goofiness of the costumes, he might like it. He doesn't have to compete to enjoy dancing, and it might help the vestibular and proprioceptive issues. Just a thought - I don't know if it's actually helpful. If nothing else, I encourage you to broaden your focus a little and keep looking.

Later in life, I learned that the sports I liked were individual sports that absolutely did not involve reacting to (or working with) other people (which, for whatever reason, I'm really bad at).

My personal favorite sport is cycling. It's just me and the road, and getting better is beating personal bests (rather than beating other people). I'd lump swimming and running into that same category, but YMMV.

So sorry to hear he's going through such a rough spot! If it's any consolation to him, this is from a guy who was always picked last in gym class: it gets better.

Yes I would look at cross country or running in general, dance, stationary or outdoor biking, rock climbing, and yoga.

When my son was young, my gym had some " kid fit" classes run by a personal trainer that was fun in a group setting and much better than a PE class at elementary school. Something like that might be fun.

My heart goes out to you Tigerle, and to your son. He isn't alone. He's just got to believe that's true. So many of us have been in his shoes. And now we're in yours.

Same here, re traditional team/ball sports, though I love the feeling of working on a team. My solutions: (1) symphonic and marching band, (2) horses. My DH has a fair number of students that sound a bit like your DS. DH teaches guitar, and coaches a few garage bands. That really helps some of them too.

Take care,
Sue

What is your sport?

If he enjoyed kayaking, possibly a rowing machine may be of interest? Or other upper-body exercises?

If he enjoys skiing, possibly other lyrical lower-body movements such as a scooter, skateboard, skates, dancing or bicycling may be of interest?

Anyone can, at times, feel a mismatch between the self, and the body they were born into. One person may admire another's quick wit. Meanwhile that person may not know that they are being admired for taking time and providing a calm, thoughtful response. Someone may wish to be athletic, while someone else may wish for a higher IQ. We all have difficulties we must learn to deal with, and fortunately the world needs all kinds of talents, skills, and abilities.

Some may deconstruct this:
1- he yelled. Not OK
2- for embarrassing him. (In front of whom? Most likely not embarrassing him, if it was not in front of an audience, but rather he possibly felt guilty. Possibly he also felt not very clever as he was caught when he had hoped he had outsmarted you.) He may benefit from developing an enhanced vocabulary for feeling bad, and properly attributing the source of those feelings.
3- threatened. Possibly to make you feel bad, because he felt bad. Misery loves company.

It is good you sought professional help, and I hope someone can see him soon. In the meanwhile can you keep him in eyesight, keep the home very calm/consistent/stable, explain every rule? Make sure he knows the rules and your actions are all to help him. Are you able to document situations in a journal at home, or might this trigger a strong negative response from him? Is he at all interested in journaling about his experiences, writing or drawing pictures or cartoons to express himself?

Hoagies list of Psychologists familiar with the gifted includes parent-recommended psychologists not only in the US, but also Australia, Canada, England, Netherlands. If the person you've been referred to is not on the list and you find them to be knowledgeable about gifted and helpful to your son and your family, possibly you'd contact Hoagies with your recommendation, helping build the network and assisting future families?

I would lump rowing in with cycling and the others mentioned by George C. It's a favorite of the ball-challenged and a good lifetime activity.

Yoga is not bad either.

If animals are a possibility, I would include horses and maybe like fostering dogs or agility with dogs. I found refuge in the barn with horses and in working with animals.

Other options - hiking, rowing as others have mentioned (there is team and individual with rowing - and a single can be quite meditative). I am hoping when the kids are older that we will be able to do hikes like the Grand Canyon and other national parks. I believe you are in Europe so I am wondering if there are places like that to look forward to. I know when we stayed in Toscana, one of our favorite activities was walking on the trails by our hotel in the countryside. My parents have always been big on walking (like they would park a mile or two from city center and then we would walk in) and that has stuck with me today where I prefer to walk when possible. Could that be something that you can encourage as a family?

limit his exposure to performance sports


YES.

Focus on the reasons for LIFETIME fitness, as someone else noted. Talk about being active, and maintaining physical fitness as a lifelong thing, and one that supports cognitive functions later in life, and physical wellness at all ages.

Ask him for input on new activities that he'd like to try-- or maybe things that he'd like to do more of.

For our DD, she walks or runs her dog each morning. It's part of her routine, and she does it even when she doesn't "feel" like doing so, because-- it's her responsibility to the dog as much as to herself. Meeting a buddy to exercise is similar; it works because someone ELSE is counting on you to follow through.

Sometimes and external motivator like that is helpful-- even for kids. Something that doesn't require a lot of preparation or motivation is best-- that way there is not a lot of room for excuses.

I motivated myself to use my treadmill for a while by making a rule that I could only watch House episodes while I was walking or jogging on it. As an introvert, that worked for me. Gardening is pretty good physical activity, as well.

The only ball sport i have ever liked was squash. It was fast but the court was small and a lot of it was physics. I never played enough to find out if i was any good but i wasn't completely abysmal.

Sport is not important, exercise it. He is too young now but later he may enjoy the gym if he wears something to block out the insanely loud music.