Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion social challenges - MS girl

Hi all -
I suspect what my DD almost-12 is going through is pretty typical middle school angst...but I'm still sad to see her unhappy.

Over the past few months, she pretty regularly will tell me sadly that she "has no friends." The thing is, she DOES have a group of about 5-6 girls that she is "in" with, who include her, who she eats lunch with. But she tells me that a "true friend" is someone you can share your feelings and emotions and ideas with, and trust them, and they'll always be there for you, etc., etc., and she doesn't have anyone like that.

I know she got upset with this group because of the drama this year. One would say something, the other would take offense, it would be a big drama, then they'd make it up. My DD feels VERY deeply, and these displays upset her.

She just finished her first year in a new school - small, but big enough that there are 15 or so other girls outside of this small group, so next year her social circle is likely to change a bit. That may help. But I feel like she has a glowing, idealized view of friendship that is making all others fall short...

My only idea for right now is to try to set her up this summer with one-on-one activities with these girls - hoping that she'll be able to enjoy that without the group drama from the year. But I'm wondering if anyone else has ideas or suggestions?

Thank you!

Because it is possible that visiting with each girl individually may provide more opportunity for drama (as each other girl may feel excluded at times), it may also be worth considering using the summer to meet new kids with whom your daughter may decide to strike up a friendship. Summer can be ideal for exploring new topics and interests.

I would be open with her about some of the factors that produce these dramas. My mother did that when I was about that age... it helped to know that it was common, didn't actually have much to do with me (if anything) and that it eventually goes away. (If you choose your world carefully as an adult!) Am sure there are books on this topic that others may be able to suggest.

If you live somewhere that has activities for gifted children, you might consider enrolling her. Chances are she could find someone outside of school who could be a true friend. Especially today, the friends don't even have to be local!

4-H is another activity that is usually drama-free and provides leadership development.

ITA with ConnectingDots. I have a dd going into 8th grade next year, and I've seen it happen both with her friends, and with the girls in my older ds' grade when he was around the same age. The thing with *both* sets of kids is - it passed. Truly. Some of the kids had a bit of a drama-edge to their innate personalities and that didn't go away, but the overall hormone-spiked group drama of that age *did* pass, and passed relatively quickly.

I agree with indigo too - setting up individual hang-outs with girls from the group isn't necessarily going to help and it might just spark more drama. I'd actually recommend two things - first, I'd set up group activities with the full group every now and then so your dd can stay connected. It might sound counter-productive, but I'd do that with the thought that yes, there's drama at the moment. No, these girls might not be friends forever, but yes, they are friends now, and let's let them have some fun together over the summer.

Then I'd also do what cd and indigo both suggested - look for activities where your dd can meet and make a few new friends. There is always room for more friends


This is very true, but as the mom of a 13-year-old in the age of social media, I'd also be aware that real-life drama can increase 1000-fold in an instant when kids are communicating online... which most 7-8th graders I know are very caught up in.

Best wishes,

polarbear

This may be very area- and kid-dependent, but this was around the age that my DD discovered boys- and I don't mean in the romantic sense. She found them to be refreshingly direct, with a distinct lack of that grill-drama that permeates many of the girlfriend interactions around that age. She also found them to have much more aligned interests, particularly in books and movies and board games. Social media/texting was definitely helpful in that boys were much more likely to have genuine conversations when they were not surrounded by other boys, and DD gradually found quite a few boys who grew to be her crowd.

I realize not all girls will find this useful, and I sometimes wonder if my DD is truly different in this regard, or if she has just been unlucky in that she has never found a local girl who is a true best friend in the idealized sense of the word. Even in high school, she has a lot of girl acquaintances, but the kids she shares most with tend to be boys.

This is very true, but as the mom of a 13-year-old in the age of social media, I'd also be aware that real-life drama can increase 1000-fold in an instant when kids are communicating online... which most 7-8th graders I know are very caught up in.

Best wishes,

polarbear

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Agreed! To clarify, I was thinking of Skype, Facetime, phone calls... I'm not a fan of Facebook or other sites, etc. for pre-teens or teens.

You've received great advice. I agree with polarbear about talking with your daughter, and with ConnectingDots that books can be a great way to open those conversations.

The American Girl "Smart Girl Guides" include titles such as
- Drama, Rumors, & Secrets: Staying True to Yourself In Changing Times,
- The Feelings Book: The Care & Keeping of Your Emotions
- Friendship Troubles: dealing with fights, being left out & the whole popularity thing
- Know What to Say: finding the words to fit any situation

Rosalind Wiseman's Queen Bees and Wannabes is an in-depth look at relation aggression.

I found another good resource this year. It's called the Girls Leadership Institute. They have some videos on this specific topic of idealized friendships. They also hold many classes for girls and girls with their parents. It seems to be a great resource for both kids and their parents. I think they're most active on the coasts though.

MomC,

That looks interesting will have investigate that some more...

Thank you all so much for the ideas and resources! This is exactly what I was hoping for. The Girls Leadership Institute even has a video on "The Myth of the BFF." :-) We do have a one-on-one visit scheduled today, but I'll keep in mind the potential for more drama. I appreciate the input and BTDT stories!!!