Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school Sudden personality change/sensitivities?

Just checking to see if anyone has had a similar experience with their kid... my DS just turned 4 in April. As a baby/toddler, he was very observant, never a great sleeper but was pretty easy going. Never showed any separation anxiety, loved seeing new things, very easy to take out in public. He never showed any sensitivity to noises, textures, any of that sort of thing. I started posting he

In the past month, he's become a bit of a mess emotionally. Often when I leave the house for a quick errand, he'll cry and scream that he's going to miss me and please don't go. One day we went to a splash pad and he spent 45 minutes sitting on my lap instead of playing with his buddies because he 'didn't expect that there would be a playground AND a splash pad' (his explanation). He gets frustrated with his toys much more easily and just seems to have 'bad days' a lot more often. He's had a few incidents of kicking and hitting and just losing his temper.

I'm feeling very guilty because a possible catalyst for all of this is a weekend when my husband left town for a guys weekend and I wasn't feeling well while doing the child-care on my own. He had a meltdown during bath/bedtime and I lost my temper and yelled at him and just didn't handle it well. Now I'm scared that I somehow traumatized him, or I'm wondering if this is some sort of weird developmental thing. Anyone have a similar experience or insight?

I wouldn't feel guilty about losing your temper while your dh was out of town - I suspect that most of us parents have lost our temper at some point, and most likely our parents did too and we all survived it. It's possible he's reacting to having had his father out of town, but I doubt that it's related at all to your meltdown.

Re this type of sudden change - it did happen to two of my children, but in each case it was related to something in their environment that was going on or had changed. The thing is, it could be any number of 18 million different things, or it might be nothing other than just going through a developmental phase. You're doing what you need to do - noticing that your child is behaving differently than usual, and trying to think through what has happened. You can watch for more clues - pay attention to when he's upset and when he's happy, see if you can see any pattern to what happens. My gut feeling, based on him not wanting you to leave the house etc, is that it's quite possibly related to his dad's temporary absence. If that's the case, he'll eventually regain his sense of security.

Hang in there!

polarbear

eta - fwiw, my children's innate personalities didn't really change from toddlerhood to teen (and I'm guessing, won't change as adults). They did have times like this when they were reacting differently due to something having changed in their environments, but in general, their basic innate temperaments were evident even when they were very little. The big exception is puberty. That through things out of whack in all sorts of directions... but only temporarily

It could be anything. This sounds developmental, FWIW. You've probably considered all the obvious possible explanations (sleep, diet, etc.)

(As a PSA for others, when I hear "sudden personality change/sensitivities" my mind goes to PANS/PANDAS, but it doesn't sound like the sensitivities in this case rise anywhere close to that level; I might think differently if there were specific additional symptoms and/or recent infections)

I agree that it's likely developmental. I remember with my kids thinking the 'terrible twos' were not so bad, but man, age 3.5-4 was really rough!

Whenever we saw something like this in our DD at that age, we tended to find, a couple days down the line, that she had misinterpreted something she'd seen or heard in some humorous yet horrifying way, and this new idea was very much bothering her. In this case you already think something like that may have happened related to you losing your temper, but any casual remark or observation for which your DS lacks proper context could have done it.

My advice would be to break out the coloring books/Play Doh/Legos/other activity you can do together without making eye contact, make some chit-chat as you go, and see if he'll open up to you about whatever is bothering him. Car rides work well for this, too.

Thanks everyone, lots of good stuff to think about. The fearfulness was the biggest thing that threw me for a loop, since he's never been like that in the slightest. It's not really outside of the range of 'normal kids' but just weird for him.

Usually my husband is pretty good at getting explanations out of him (DH thinks i put words in his head, might be true) but we haven't heard anything other than he 'misses me' and 'really loves me' when I'm gone. I'm just a little stumped because he's been acting up a lot (being bossy, pushing lots of boundaries) but he seems insecure so I can't tell if he needs more discipline or more love, ha (I know they're not exclusive). Hopefully this too shall pass....

My take on his sudden sensitivity to "the little things" like a playground and a splash pad, etc. is he's showing that he's stressed and finding it difficult to deal with things he would have otherwise been able to with ease. Sort of like how you or I feel when one thing upon another piles up on us after a major life event. Suddenly, you find yourself blowing up over spilt milk.

Has there been a major change in his life recently? A new baby or babysitter? A friend who moved away or a new day care center? Is there tension in the family? Did he see or hear something inappropriate for his emotional age?

I think if you can determine what the major stressor is and remove it, he will go back to his easy-going self and be able to deal with the little stresses again.

Is it possible that it's not something that happened, but something that is coming up?

My kids, DS especially, go through June madness every year (with an echo before Christmas). Big transitions stress them, even transitioning to something as wonderful and gleefully anticipated as summer vacation. We have another week of school left. Over the month, I've watched the volatility ramp up, and the ability to deal with the tiniest iota of adversity - or even the slightly unanticipated - plummet. They'll continue to be nuts the first week of vacation, and then we will all slowly drift out of permanent red alert as they settle into the new normal.

Do you have any big transitions coming up, like finishing daycare or preschool by any chance?

Ditto on the car rides that Dude mentioned. I also take my daughter out on a walk and starting talking through things sometimes.

My DD8 thrives on being busy - 3 or 4 after-school activities, her own projects, library, makers lab, runs her own website, space club, holiday activities like horse riding and art class, I can barely keep up - BUT maybe once every year or so she'll hit the wall and be exhausted and we can only tell when she starts getting grouchy and over-emotional (and it stupidly takes us a while to click) so we convince her to drop everything and spend a few days vegging at home and having early nights … just an idea