Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Social issues - feels more deeply than others...

My DS12 has been having some social issues at school. He is generally an easy going happy kid (with some anxiety) but lately he has been excluded from some social groups at school. It bothers him so much he has been refusing to go to school.

I have discussed the topic with him along the lines of these things happen, see if you can find anything to learn from it and if not then do your your best to find other groups or ignore. I also explained that he might be feeling this more deeply because of his giftedness.

I'm not sure what else to say.

The crux of it though seems to be some posturing by the boys with stronger personalities announcing what is cool with a bit of bullying. I think most kids would feel a bit crummy but get on with it but he is taking it completely to heart.

He has had more than a few mornings of complete tearful refusal to go to school. I am having trouble dealing with this.


Advice?

I'd have a word with his teacher/ councillor and see if they can help. Schools have a responsibility to deal with bullying. They can probably let you in on what the issue really is. It may be worse than he is admitting to as well. In the meantime make sure he has a safe place to to at lunch (library / club/ table?) and that he has some coping skills for bullying that are age appropriate. It probably is something that will pass but you want to make sure he isn't turning himself into an easy target because he doesn't know how to handle it.

Sorry if I sound negative, I think that 12 is a vulnerable age and we can forget as adults how utterly devastating it can feel to not have friends and feel powerless to help ourselves. As gt and with anxiety your DS just might not have the ability to suck it up and find new friends without support.

I think you've given your son good advice, based on the information you've shared in your post. To help determine whether the school refusal stems from inappropriate behavior on the part of others which rises to the definition of bullying, from your child's sensitivities, or some degree of both, you may wish to work with him on describing each incident in observable, factual terms (who, what, when, where, how), and possibly keeping a log.

It is my understanding that assessing "why" would be considered conjecture and not an observable fact.

It is also my understanding that not all exclusion or negative commentary rises to the definition of bullying, but rather that the negative treatment must be a repeated pattern, after being told to stop.

Some children may be missing social cues which others pick up on, or may have quirks which may tend to unknowingly send a body language message that raises red flags, even possibly signaling that they prefer to be alone. Different parents have varying views on teaching social awareness and/or instructing others to accept their child's "quirks".

Resources on social teaching, on anxiety, and on bullying are found in a number of threads on the forums. Here is one resource-y post which may be of interest. Developing healthy interpersonal boundaries may also be of interest.

Mahagogo5:

Thanks for your comments. I have spoken to his teacher who hasn't seen any signs of conflict - though I imagine most of them happen when she isn't around (lunch,recess).

There actually is no way to spend lunch recess away from the group (must eat together in class and must go to the schoolyard).

You're right - I remember very well the emotions of that age and how deeply things can hurt. This is what makes it difficult to insist that he go to school. I know he must but I really feel how much he doesn't want to. Being a very empathetic parent makes things both easier and more difficult.

Indigo:

Thanks for your comments as well. You're exactly right - he could definitely be seeing issues that others would easily shrug off. Unfortunately that doesn't affect how deeply he feels them.

I have pointed out some inconsistencies in his accounts (where he is doing the same thing that they are). Another potential factor, his hair is halfway down his back (very long) and he has no intention of cutting it. This makes him different than the group. Most of them are quite sporty and have short hair. He will need to get a fairly thick skin to deal with any attention this eccentricity will bring him - esp in high school which starts in grade 8 here.

I'll look into the resource link you've included. Thanks!

I think that middle school, particularly 6th and 7th grades, are the most difficult/stressful for kids to navigate. There will always be kids who try to dominate and exclude. If your DS is willing to discuss the particular details with you, then you may be better able to determine whether he is a actual target of bullying. In general, if he can focus on like-minded peers and perhaps get a feel for how they feel about these boys, it can be a relief for him.

Quantum2003:

That is a good point. These years are difficult. Lessons learned now will serve him in high school. Though high school might be a bit easier as there are more groups to belong to/more people to choose from.

Thanks for the extra info. I think it is very important that you do start building those anti bullying skills now ( assertiveness, confidence etc I'm sure they are in indigo's link) as you are aware that he may attract attention in high school. In the mean time can he take a book or something with him to read while eating ( I used to hide in the library!) I also got the book "the unwritten rules of friendship" to help guide my dd because I simply don't have the skill set to ensure she has a good friendship base.

Our ds was not getting along well with other in ms, similar sounding situation. We decided to homeschool because we just couldn't see putting him through three years of that. We wanted to give the other kids time to mature into more reasonable and kind people. I am not sure what it is about that age, but kids are at just about their worst, when it comes to bullying others and of course not having the experience to handle it well if you are on the receiving end.
"Lessons learned", to my thinking, would be mainly how to feel crappy about oneself, and we figured ds could skip that. He definitely had/has some social issues, but he is a confident guy at this point and I'm not sure that would be the case had he just continued on at the ms.
A lot of people still don't "get" him right off the bat, but since he is older now, he is able to roll with it better. (Going back to hs in the fall, so we'll see, but so far on his soccer team, etc., things have been ok to down right good.)

Sorry to hear about your ds' situation. Crying is NOT a good sign. Definitely take this up with the counselor. Some kind of change is needed. (not necessarily on his part).

I have known one of my relative's children to be bullied in a subtle but targeted manner to the point that she was writing notes about hurting herself. It doesn't make sense to an adult, but for a child this can seem like the end of the world. The school was able to transfer her to another entire set of classes so she was not around the main person doing the bullying. The bully eventually even moved away, but at least there was some immediate interim help.

Thank you for your comments chris1234. Good for you for responding so quickly to the problem and avoiding what could have been a really bad situation. That took courage.

I sometimes talk about homeschooling or unschooling so he did ask if he could do that. We're at the end of the school year so we'll have the summer for everyone to mature and become more confident. If things are bad in the fall then we'll need to look into coping skills, counselling and maybe an alternative school method for the year.

Thanks for your help. This forum is such a great resource!