Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional DCD/dyspraxia - how to discuss with DS?

Hi
In an earlier thread I described our recent OT assessment for DS7. Today I met with his school resource teacher, who was super helpful! There's another child at the school with the same thing (although more severe), so she was familiar with the types of accommodations required.

She's going to arrange a meeting with his teachers for next week so I can get a better idea of how he's coping in the classroom (and in gym).

My one concern is - how do I discuss this with DS? He is very sensitive and already hard on himself over tasks he's struggling with. I don't want him to feel worse about himself because of this. But I do need to tell him something, because they are going to start changing some things at school. For example she wants to pull him out once a day for 'body breaks' - which the other child does - 5-10 minutes to have a movement break and to do core-strength exercises.

Also, they would change his gym instruction a little bit, and potentially include some accommodations in the classroom (e.g. voice technology, typing) - although she said she'd position it in a way so as not to single him out too much.

Can I just tell him that his brain learns movement tasks differently? That these are things the OT (who he really liked) said to try? Or should I give more detail?

Any suggestions?

You could phrase it something along the lines that he needs a little more practice with those things. Some kids are behind with reading or math and get extra time practicing those things. He needs to practice more with X,Y,Z. Everyone has weaknesses they need to work on. He finds it difficult to write at this time but he will keep working on it, and typing will help him to get all his great thoughts out on paper. I don't think I'd phrase it as a disability at this point. Just point out all his strengths.

I'd start there. If he wants more detail, give it.

This is not ideally a "big reveal"-- it's ideally more like "here's a thing we know" where it can be discussed on many occasions over time (as a taken-for-granted fact) whenever he needs the information.

My kids find it very very good to have names for their challenges. Not just "I'm not good at this" but instead "this is challenging because of X and I can work around it by doing Y."

When we got DS's results (he was 6.5 at the time) we had a chat about everyone having different strengths and challenges. He was really good at X but Y was a challenge for him. Other kids were good at Y and struggled with X. We said that some things at school were going to change to help him and talked about a couple of the obvious ones.

TBH DS was visibly relieved. He had made the assumption that he was 'stupid' because everything wasn't easy. He knew exactly what his challenges were and was extremely sensitive about them as well.

Good luck!

Thanks for the responses! Part of my hesitation is that we don't yet have an 'official' diagnosis - just a suggestion from the OT. But I'll try the strengths and challenges tack - it is something we've discussed in the past around giftedness...

The strengths/challenges talk can happen as a simple acknowledgment of the child's experience. When he notices an issue, you can share recognition of it as a challenge.

I had forgotten that you only had an OT suggestion. I think you should pursue the neuropsych-- knowing is always better than not knowing IME.

Knowing might make him less hard on himself. We flat out told ours when she was 6.

She knew something was "wrong" with her. She doesn't put together predetermined art projects very well and isn't really able to draw objects on command. She can't climb on the bars like her friends can. She gets tired running around at recess. She really just can't do what the other kids do. Sometimes--a lot of times--she gets in trouble for not doing the things other kids can do (i.e., getting on her backpack in a timely manner). She annoys all but the most special teachers, and she knows it.

Knowing it has a name makes her feel less badly about herself as a person.

Is it possible that she uses the label sometimes to not do something she can do or to not try at something she thinks she can't do? Probably. But I'd rather that than have her feel like a total failure.

Agree with all the above great suggestions. Our frame was "Good news! We've figured out why this is so much harder for you than for others, because you need to learn it a different way than others do. So now that we know, we can start learning that other way, and you will become able to do this."

ITA. Not having an official diagnosis doesn't have to be limiting when you talk to your ds - let him know that you and the teachers at school (or whoever) is working to help figure out why certain types of things are more difficult for him than for other children.

Like a few others have mentioned in their replies, our ds was *very* aware that he wasn't able to do things other students seemed to be able to do without thinking about it. He was aware of it long before we realized it as parents, and it impacted him in a much larger way than I really understood when he was first diagnosed. It wasn't until we'd actually talked to him about it and let him know what we'd learned about his diagnosis and how it impacted him that we realized he was so very aware.

It was also such a huge relief to him to have people actually help him. We parents often see accommodations, remediation, pull-outs, push-ins etc as making our children appear to be "different" - but my ds saw them through a very different filter - he already knew he was struggling, and having extra help from school staff, having accommodations etc made him feel like school staff *cared* and wanted to help him be successful. I used to look up stories about successful dysgraphic/dyspraxic adults to share with my ds when he was discouraged, and there seemed to be a common thread to so many of them - the never-failing support of either a parent or a mentor or a teacher who cared. It may feel really hard to talk to him about it, but years down the road what he's going to remember is that you *did* talk to him about it and that you advocated for him and supported him. You may not realize it now, but by sharing with him and advocating for him, you are giving him something so much larger and more important than the things that dyspraxia (or whatever it is) have taken away.

Best wishes,

polarbear

This. Or more casual. You remember that lady you went to see the other day? She has seen kids who have the same problems and knows some tricks that might help.