Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion I am a hot housing helicopter parent?

Well said, Megmeg.

This thread is giving me insight into why people consider any attempt to have my kids do anything at all as being pushy, but I must say it still really annoys me. What happened to moderation? Why do they assume that if I make them change the kitty litter that I'm also standing over a piano with a stick to make sure they get into Julliard?

Here's the difference: normal kids do a lot of stuff they don't want to do or find difficult at school. They're asked to strive and figure things out, to progress and learn new things, then they go home and are asked to do a bit of physical activity, help around the house with boring tasks. Hothoused kids do this and then go on to a cram school to do more hard academic stuff because more is better. Our kids go to a normal school and sit around doing essentially nothing, so why is it automatically the same as the hothoused kids if we decide it's good for them to get a fraction of the same experience as a normal child gets? Why do our kids get thrown under the bus? Very few of our children get anywhere close to appropriate schooling during school time and have to get it afterschool, so why is it OK for most kids to do appropriate work, but not OK for ours?

And, on the other end of the spectrum, I do think that if a child is getting appropriate academics during the day at school that they should be doing something different after school. I am a strong believer in boredom. With regard to sports, many top coaches are warning of over training and over specialisation in children. I think they have a point, but I have no idea how a single family can change the system if their child likes a team sport. If you want to play soccer, you have to participate in that system.

(our kids means pg kids of the people on here in general. Personally we afterschooled for academics in a bad school situation, and were able to stop when we found a good school situation, and now we're just battling the sports issue)

I understand what you're getting at, but I'll answer for me. My kids do not get enough at school (this is a lot more true for one than the other at present) but they still have to go to school all darn day. One child has a lot of homework, too. I don't think enough is being asked of them in terms of difficulty, but I just don't have it in me to ask them to formally afterschool. If they really wanted to, that might be different. I have done a bit of formal stuff over the summer at times. That's a different ballgame because time is much more abundant. During the year...they need time to do other nonschool things. They do both read voraciously.

I know they could be learning more math, in particular, so it bothers me sometimes, especially when I see what some of you are doing. Math does not appear to be their passion, though, although they are both good at it. Anyway, I try to seek out challenge and experiences that push them in other areas. With one child chess has been the answer. The other one has been harder, but her school experience is more difficult, so it's not as much of a need.

Well, because you already lose the entire 8 hours at school.

So, in order to get appropriate childhood experience, you need more hours in the day in order to replace these lost 8 hours of boredom and mindless sitting.

Since you don't have more hours in the day, you have to remove necessary childhood experiences in order to provide other necessary childhood experiences.

People see the other necessary childhood experiences being removed and they get upset because you *are* removing necessary childhood experiences that normally happen outside of school hours.

I think that the solution is to agitate for a much longer day. Perhaps a new legal day that is 32 hours long.

If we can create daylight savings time, we can create the 32 hour day!

I actually discarded DS's math homework that was completely inappropriate, and substituted something that was an appropriate challenge. This works for younger kids where grades don't really matter (if they are graded at all), but it's harder to pick and choose what your kids are going to do in older grades. I did this with two different teachers and I think one hated me because of it, and the other couldn't care less. I think she was of the mindset that second graders shouldn't even be getting homework, but she has to do what the district directs her to do. So she didn't care that he never did the homework.

Since then we moved DS to a school where they simply move the kids to where they need to be. So for DS, that meant going from second grade to fifth grade for math. The math schedules in the school are more or less aligned. It's not rocket science, but most schools wouldn't even consider doing anything like that. For reading, there are 3 teachers and each teacher takes a different group depending on ability level. That's how it is for math, too, but DS was so far out of range, they just moved him to a different grade which has it's own math ability grouping and the 3 teachers split up the kids according to ability level. So he is in a group that is doing pre-algebra.

Since the school has him doing the right level I don't need to "houthouse" or after-school anymore, and it's been a relief to no longer have to worry about him making no progress or acting like a lazy slug.

I think that many/most schools could follow a similar model, but they are too stuck in a traditional mindset and unwilling to consider/organize other possiblities.

Thanks for the reminder - I will need to have the 'helicopter' completely overhauled and refueled in anticipation of a meeting with DD's future middle school principal. Apparently all Maths schedules are aligned and high school geometry is available too and I need to be sure that DD will have the chance for an appropriate level if challenge *during* school hours next year.

Jon, this post is a Thing of Great Beauty.

Thank you.


This is why our estimation of "least worst" for our PG-let was a 20 hour school week and a 4y functional acceleration. (This meant the otherwise fairly gnarly and evil solution that I like to call public cyberschooling).

Because a 32 hour day wasn't going to become a reality for anyone, see.

We weren't robbing her of childhood or keeping her in bubble wrap-- we were walking a high wire trying to preserve SOME age-appropriate and ability-appropriate(-ish, I guess... ) life for as long as possible to give our child a childhood, and education, and an adulthood to follow it.


I guess if I examine this through the lens of MLB stats, we did pretty well. LOL. The only reason that a 0.300 batting average doesn't seem so hot to other parents is that they aren't up against Randy Johnson in his prime. We were in a classic no-win situation. Least-worst was the ONLY winning gambit, and it was a long shot anyway.

Oh well.

I did exactly what you are doing (after-schooling) for many years with both kids, but we finally found a school that "gets it". I don't think after-schooling is "helicoptering" (which I said earlier in this thread)--I think it's a normal parental response when dealing with the needs of a gifted kid stuck in a situation that sucks.

Different plants have different environmental needs: damp soils, dry soils, acidic soils, basic soils, loose soils, firm soils, high temps, moderate temps, direct sunlight, partial shade, etc. There are also a wide variety of ordinary maintenance needs... feeding, watering, pruning, weeding, pollenating, picking, etc.

To hothouse your child means to place them in an unnatural environment in order to force them to develop early. But moving your child into another environment that helps them with their own natural development? That's not hothousing. That's just gardening.

Up!

As an avid gardener, your post resonates with me. May I give it a 100 Likes?